4 Months Left

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Godsdrummer, Aug 17, 2009.

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  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I know....a suicide threat that far out? Is he serious? Yep. I want to spend the rest of this year enjoying my family. We have plans on going to an amusement park in September. Then of course Halloween will be upon us and then the Holidays. Will be really good times.

    But then January will come. It will be the dead of winter, what better time.

    And...like yesterday....many days will happen between now and then of which I will be plagued, harrassed and quite frankly pushed to the limit by my mother.

    I am tired, ever so tired or worrying about the future with my dumbass parents.

    In a way, I wish it had been my daughter that had been molested by my father, and not my niece. Not that I would ever wish that on my daughter, but then it would be my sister having to deal with this shit, and not me.

    My Mom continues to constantly drag me down into her personal hell. Going so far as to call my work to harrass me over stupid SHIT.

    Well that is going to end. It's only going to get worse. As she ages and her health worsens, I will be the one that will be called upon. I will be the one that will be at her beck and call.

    And....here's the irony. She (My Mom) blames what my Father did on his depression. And She blames his depression on HIS mother, ( My grandmother) who constantly called on him at her beck and call. And he dutifully responded EVERY time.

    Well I can't and I won't. And...so...it ends. January.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    In a way, I wish it had been my daughter that had been molested by my father, and not my niece. Not that I would ever wish that on my daughter, but then it would be my sister having to deal with this shit, and not me.

    That part of your post doesn't make any sense to me. Sorry.

    It's not worth abandoning your kids and leaving them without a father because of your parents. Just because your mother calls upon you doesn't mean you have to respond every time.

    If your kids woke up one morning and found out you're gone forever, they're not going to understand why you left them. Nothing will take away that emptiness and pain ... no reasoning, no excuses. You'll just be gone, and they'll have to go through life without a father, wondering what it is they could have done to make you want to stay with them.
  3. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    I know you don't really know who I am, but I've seen you around on the forum and you seem like such a fantastic guy. I'm sorry that things are so terrible at the moment.. but I was looking back through one of your threads just last night.

    You said, "if I ever get back to that point where I want to end it all, I want all of you to remind me of those words."

    So I'm reminding you.

    "WE ARE TALKING ABOUT YOUR LIFE HERE. And not just your life, but the lives of all of those you will damage if you die. Your friends, your family, your coworkers.

    Damn it people, there is help out there, grab it, take it, run with it."

    I understand that we haven't spoken much.. that you might feel that I don't understand what you're going through right now or I don't know enough about you to ask you to reconsider.. but I do know that whats happening at the moment seems to mostly have been caused by your parents and I know that you can work through it. You can stop them making your life miserable.. without ending things.

    Please, allow us to at least try and help a little. Talk to us. See if we can find a solution together.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have come so far and now it is time to go farther in your recovery Time to tell MOM NO MORE I am an adult and willnot be at your beckon call. I have a family of my own now they come first. I need you to quit tormenting me and use other means to get what you want. She has a phone and uses it well tell her to call others call a taxi when she needs ride call other relatives but for now leave your phone off the hook disconnect not available to anyone but you and your children okay. Youve done well keep going and NO MORE thoughts of leaving your children with the pain of a parent who has chosen death over them. YOur a FIGHTER A SURVIVOR keep on pushing forward okay
  5. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    That's ok. My life stopped making sense a long time ago.

    BTW...I would never wish illwill on my daughter. The point was that I envy my sister. She has abandoned my parents and no longer has to deal with this shit. I am the one who has been left to clean up the mess.
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2009
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    The thing is, you don't HAVE to clean up the mess. You're one person. You can only do so much. You have a family, two kids to take care of. It's okay to tell your mom no, to let her know that you just can't do it. Let her know that you won't take her calls while you're at work, and that your first priority is taking care of your kids. But don't let her bring you down to the point where your kids lose their father.
  7. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Thanks WC!

    Nevermind. I will be ok.
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2009
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you will be okay I too had to tell my mom and family slow down your killing me here. I took on too much now look at me a total ffff mess. We just need to tell them okay i get it you need me but i hope you get it too i need some breathing space right now I need you to understand me for a change as i too am needy at times. Try to just slowly break this pattern okay i went to getting calls everyday now only maybe once a week. that i can handle
    I really hope you can really take time now for just you and your family enjoy them laugh with them because too soon they grow up and leave. Please stay well please look after you okay
  9. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Thanks Violet!
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Bill, if it is your mother causing the roots of these feelings, then it is time for you to alk away from her and what she is putting you through. You owe her nothing. Your children need you sooo much. Your entire family are victims to what your father chose to do. Your sister walked away. You can as well. Maybe it is what your mother needs to stop the denial. Her reasoning does not make sense. Depression does not make someone molest a child. Let alone their granddaughter. The blame lies with him and him only. Even had he been molested as a child, the decidion to molest was still his to make. Your mother needs to face reality, but I am sure it is too painful for her. She may even know it deep down. Please Bill no timelines, no countdowns. Take it one day at a time if that is what you need. :hug:
  11. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Thanks Admin.

    I think that is what I have to do. I just have to walk away. For my own sanity and that of my family.
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Bill in the time you've been here hun you have been walking away. Occassionally you slip but with the help of your friends and members here you get back up and keep going. This is another "slip". Besides tigger's always bounce back right? Walking away from the demons (like your Mom) and finding ways to walk further ahead in recovery not doom. So.... we're picking you up again, wiping you off and showing the right direction to keep moving forward. Please take a good look at the long path behind you that you have travelled. Now look at the path in front of you and say "I can do this!"
    This is you path Bill, not your mothers. So time to sternly push her off and move on. You feel like you owe her these things because she is your mother. But you stopped being her little boy many years ago. Now you are an adult with adult issues. She isnt willing to help you with them but rather hinder you. So politely put... tell her to stop interferring with your life and to get one of her own. Because your's doesnt include being pulled down into hers!!! Dont wait for her to cut you loose, do it yourself hun and fly!!!!
  13. tls5669

    tls5669 Active Member

    It's not worth it. The most painful thing for your kids/s would be not having a parent.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    your going to throw away your family and all that fun you know your gunna have in the next 4 months will mean NOTHING to the rest of your family.

    all because of your mother ??!!

    stop and think about what you are doing. your not punishing them .. your punishing yourself and your family.
    im assumiming you have kids. what about them ?
    i think you need to take a step back .. or many steps back from your parents and start living YOUR LIFE and your familys life.

    dont let your parents ruin what you have and what you obviously enjoy.

    sometimes its time to let go of what holds you back and drives you nuts.
    i didnt read all of the posts here, but i think you owe it to YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY TO dettach from your parents.
    if you dont and you live,, they win. if you dont and you kill yourself they win.

    you have wide open berth to make changes in your life for the future. i hear of no other real issues setting you back.

    cut the strings on that which is messin you up. if you dont, it will in time mess up the rest of your family ... meaning when you take your life. why make their life miserable like YOUR parents are doing to you ?? HMMMMM ?
    i wish you the best.
  15. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Thanks Odie!

    But it's cool. Thanks to a post someone else put up in the SF, I now have a method, that I hadnt though of before, at least not that completely.

    So now I have a foolproof method. Kinda exciting!!!
  16. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    i hope the foolproof method is a cure...
  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    ...hopefully a cure that involves you living, not dying.
  18. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Nah...I am just keeping it in my back pocket, in case I need it one day.
  19. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Sounds like you really need to clean out your pockets and get rid of some stuff then. That way, you can focus your energy on ways to live, not die.
  20. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    - agrees with WC ^ -

    Bill, you're stronger than you think, so please toss out that idea you're keeping in your back pocket. Maybe a better idea is to replace it with thoughts and memories of loved ones and friends and the good things you are doing for yourself and others.

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