4 years 2day and still devastated

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by purplecatqueen, Mar 4, 2009.

  1. 4 years 2day my world ended, my hubby broke the news to me that my mum had been found on train tracks, I was 34 wks pregnant, i can still here the scream in my head now, horror.........not a day passes without thinking of you mum.she suffered for years with depression, and then through no fault of her own decided to end her life by means of lying on a train track. At the funeral all i could do was picture her in the coffin in pieces, i have thoughts of thinking very deep, sometimes too deep. She never hurt a soul in her life, but i feel my life has ended that day. My son is called Neo he is almost 4 years old, and his name means new beginning, i know he keeps me ticking over, and he was a gift from god, took me and my hubby 16 years to have him.Thats what hurts most it was very complicated havin my son, and that day i died with mum.:sad:
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    In a way, the Universe seemed to have sent her back to you...it does not reduce the sadness of the loss, but does serve to make some testimony to the living...hoping with time and many joyous events, the pain eases...big hugs, J
  3. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    sorry that you have to go through this. It was really unfortunate that you have to live with this trauna for the rest of your life. Perhaps you may be able to 'help' some forumners in here as many of them are contemplating suicide with little thought of the consequences of their suicide on their loved ones. Perhaps then they might re-consider. My only advice to you is that you must learn to let go. You should and you must. Let go and move on.
  4. Thanks for your support, its the anniversary brings it all back like it happened yesterday.It all seems so fresh in all out heads my brothers feel the same. No one understands how it feels, only people on this forum, we will all heal at different paces, its the baggage we carry round with us, I know there was nothing we could do to save mum, she could not live the torment she was in, but all the same we are human, the what if's and but's and why's. It is too pain full to let go just yet, its like bing drip feed, slowly letting go day by day.

    My brother was in a bad way today, it was the 1st year it has hit him so hard, he broke down on the phone tonight, he has locked it away the pain, and now its coming out. he slit his wrists this past october, a big shock to us all, he is getting help now, we tried our best to save mum, and he carrying lots guilt.Its the waves of emotions still to this day, a bumpy journey still ahead.Mum wrote in her diary she had when she spent hrs in her car that cold night, before she ended it all, she wanted us all to be happy, and love one another .She had no idea of the hurt and pain this would leave behind, she would be horrified to get a glimmer of the devastation it leaves behind.
    We have a family history 4 family members have had breakdowns and been in secure units my mums dad, my mum, my mums sister and my brother, I am strong but it scares me sometimes how low i get, and i always feel like i am on the edge, fighting to keep above the surface.
  5. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    There is a saying that came to mind when I read your story about 'a life cannot come until one life here passes on'.

    My grandfather (natural death) was my loss before my son came. It gives me peace to know 'Poppie" made a way for my son to be here. I think that way.

    You are stong by personality and experiences, don't keep fighting to stay above, just do what is natual for you. Sometimes the strong ones can fall apart, yet, they're still the STRONG ones. :)
  6. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Part of the answer lies within your message. You named your son Neo, "new" and though it will take time (you never forget the loss of a parent...my dad died slowly from a horrible type of cancer) you will have a wonderful, meaningful life with your son. Keep him close and pass on to him what is in you-part of your mother.
  7. Thank you everyone its nice to know people care, yes Neo my son is a legacy and he is my tonic he keeps me here, I do believe in karma. we have a very close bond, and thats what carry's me. He is such a sweet loving child and I put in 1000% most of the time.I thank god for him.:mellow:
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Thank you for sharing with us purplecatqueen. I tell myself that my children will be okay as long as I let them know that they are not at fault and going is the only way I can find peace. Your post is giving me a bit more to think about. I am sorry you had to suffer this kind of pain. I know your son is a blessing to you and is a wonderful reason to move forward. A child is a precious gift. My thoughts are with you and your family during these rough times. :hug:
  9. just picking up from where i was 3 years ago, 7 year anniversary in a few days.very tearfull and churning stomach, It will be 7 years since mum has gone, its been very hard, its not got easier over time, its not a normal grief, my mum was very unwell, but its the fact she chose to leave me, I know she was very unwell in her mind, but she still chose to end her life, and thats it in a nutshell.everyday i treddingwater, thats how it feels, I have such a close bond with my son, he will be turning seven in june, he is the splitting image of my mum, its unreal it really is, i truly believe he was given to me, as a gift, to keep me here, the pain is so bad, its torture, wanting to be with mum, but I have my son and husband, and would never leave my son. only people who have been through this, understand, people try to compare, other grief like when you lose someone to cancer, car accidents, all the same tragic, but its on another level, i still feel the same as i did 7 years ago when my mum took her life, i still am screaming no in my head, as when my husband broke the news, you dont come to terms with it, I dont think I ever will, its just the case of having to live day to day.