my parents defended the very person that molested me. in fact they hired him a lawyer and tried to pretend like nothing ever happened. i guess i should have expected this. from the day i went into the hospital 13 years ago until now (i've been in and out of hospitals ever since) i've been blamed for messing up their family. i was seen as the problem. it was my fault that i was molested and my fault that i got depressed about it and tried to kill myself. i messed up their 'happy' little family and i'm forever branded by my entire family as a trouble-maker and the problem in the family. never mind the fact that i was molested by my brother for 2 years and passed around to all of his friends. i wanted to disappear then and i want to disappear now. i still think about 'dropping off of the face of the earth' i often thought about changing my name and moving to a place where no one could find me and never talking to anyone from my past again. the only problem now is that i have a 7 month old daughter and a husband. my husband's family actually cares for me so i would feel bad about doing that to them. i'm still alone though. it doesn't matter how many people are around i'm alone. i can't tell anyone what's going on because they can't handle me. they don't understand the cutting and suicidal thoughts. the therapist i was seeing keeps canceling my appointments so that isn't doing me any good at all. my daughter doesn't need to be around me feeling this way. i don't want her to have to grow up visiting me in the hospital or afraid mommy is going to cut or kill herself. that's no way for a child to live. if something doesn't happen i'm afraid i'm going to have to make a very hard decision. one that i've been debating since i had her. i'm going to have to leave. she deserves better than i could ever give her. i know she won't understand but it's for her own good. her daddy and his family will take good care of her and they won't let anything happen to her like what happened to me. i just can't seem to get better. no matter how hard i try. therapy doesn't help much, meds don't help because i can't remember to take them, hospitals don't help, family doesn't help, nothing helps except on occasion writing.