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Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by hopeless, Nov 16, 2008.

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  1. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    my parents defended the very person that molested me. in fact they hired him a lawyer and tried to pretend like nothing ever happened.

    i guess i should have expected this. from the day i went into the hospital 13 years ago until now (i've been in and out of hospitals ever since) i've been blamed for messing up their family.

    i was seen as the problem. it was my fault that i was molested and my fault that i got depressed about it and tried to kill myself.

    i messed up their 'happy' little family and i'm forever branded by my entire family as a trouble-maker and the problem in the family.

    never mind the fact that i was molested by my brother for 2 years and passed around to all of his friends.

    i wanted to disappear then and i want to disappear now.

    i still think about 'dropping off of the face of the earth'

    i often thought about changing my name and moving to a place where no one could find me and never talking to anyone from my past again.

    the only problem now is that i have a 7 month old daughter and a husband. my husband's family actually cares for me so i would feel bad about doing that to them.

    i'm still alone though. it doesn't matter how many people are around i'm alone.

    i can't tell anyone what's going on because they can't handle me. they don't understand the cutting and suicidal thoughts.

    the therapist i was seeing keeps canceling my appointments so that isn't doing me any good at all.

    my daughter doesn't need to be around me feeling this way. i don't want her to have to grow up visiting me in the hospital or afraid mommy is going to cut or kill herself. that's no way for a child to live. if something doesn't happen i'm afraid i'm going to have to make a very hard decision. one that i've been debating since i had her.

    i'm going to have to leave. she deserves better than i could ever give her. i know she won't understand but it's for her own good. her daddy and his family will take good care of her and they won't let anything happen to her like what happened to me.

    i just can't seem to get better. no matter how hard i try. therapy doesn't help much, meds don't help because i can't remember to take them, hospitals don't help, family doesn't help, nothing helps except on occasion writing.
     
  2. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I'm so incredibly sorry :( The way your family treated you is just....terrible. You're so strong to survive all you've been through.
     
  3. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    Hopeless

    If you need someone to talk to , please pm me anytime. I feel for you all that yo uhave and are going through. :hug: Please don't give up hope, reach out to us here and let us support you.
     
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Does your husband know about your brother molesting you? Is there any way you could just put this awful experience behind you?
     
  5. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    First of all, they are not family, family would never consider doing this to their own child.

    Secondly, please do not feel like any of this is your fault. Are your family the whole "be in with the community" type as they appear to care more how they are represented than their own child's safety.

    Short of getting arrested, I would do anything in my power to ruin these so called "people's" reputation. Your life was drastically damaged, they live for a reputation, sounds fair to me for you to name and shame them.

    PM me if you need to talk, Love lou x
     
  6. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    May I also add, I am amazed at the courage and strength you have to give your daughter a happy life after this.
     
  7. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member


    yes he knows and it takes all he has and all of my persuasion not to have him "experience" something "similar" if you know what i mean

    he knows people from his younger days when he was not-so-nice and he so wants to call them up and have my brother taken care of

    the fact that he knows helps some. it makes it easier at times when i don't feel intimate with him. other times it makes it worse because he knows someone who this happened to and they have been able to get over it so he wants to know why i can't

    my husband is sort-of a supporter and a hinderence

    it depends on his mood and level of tollerance and how i've been lately as to how he reacts. all i can say is he really tries to help
     
  8. hopeless

    hopeless Well-Known Member

    but i'm not strong at all. i'm only alive because i keep failing at trying to kill myself. i am constantly in agony and i just can't seem to get over this. i don't think i'll ever get better or recover from what happened.

    and what's worse is my brother won't even acknowledge that it happened and he's lying to his wife about the whole thing.

    i really want to write him a letter and tell him everything that he's done to me but i can't find the letter that i wrote a few years ago. it said it perfectly and i don't feel up to writing another letter.

    oh well, i guess when i get the energy to write i will get it done.:sad:
     
  9. Jacko99

    Jacko99 New Member

    Can I just say that i totally agree with ripper, you must be really strong to have been through what you have and still have a personal battle within yourself about what you should do.
    However, to your daughter you are irreplaceable, a child NEEDS it's mother, I have lost a loving parent and i would not wish it to happen to anyone else out there.
    Who knows, maybe you'll find even more strength in your daughter as you watch her grow up.

    Take care of that precious life that was placed in your hands, Jacko99
     
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