48 hours

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ezi, Dec 20, 2010.

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  1. ezi

    ezi Member

    Firstly a big thank you to the many people who have chatted to me in my short time here. I stumbled across the site by accident while looking for a slightly different suicide topic.
    In 48 hours I will be leaving my family on a one way journey. An awful thing to be doing, particularly so close to the christmas that the children are so excited about.
    The short version of my story is that I have used money that wasn't mine and face years of prison. I used the money to cover debt accrued as a result of having to care for my unwell wife and two kids for quite a few years. This will happen on wednesday, I do not intend being around for it.
    My wife will cope badly on her own however there is more chance of her keeping the children if she is not claiming benefit as I have an old insurance policy which covers for suicide so she will be ok financially. Either way she will not be well mentally but having discussed it she will do her best to keep things together. Were it not for the children she would be coming with me and none of this would be a problem - in fact it would be a relief to us.
    I know my solution is not ideal, there is no ideal except maybe the lottery! I have of course begged etc with family and whats left of friends, most of whom have been scared away by her illness.
    I have been very bad, not intentionally and not for personal gain as such, we live a very modest life. Unfortunately whatever could go wrong pretty much has done which seems to be a popular story here.
    Came to the site looking for a partner, wrong place for that but found a lot of really good people.
    Thank you all.
  2. FlashingFlickering

    FlashingFlickering Well-Known Member

    Please reconsider this, money is not everything. There is always the possibility that you could fail, even with the most "fool-proof" method, and that would cause your family much, much more debt in hospitalization.
    There is always social services and other ways to get money, not only life insurance.
    How would you feel if the children were to find you dead?
    And you say your wife knows about this... It's possible she could get in trouble with the law for assisted suicide if you go along with this plan.

    As easy and desirable as suicide might seem right now, you really need to reconsider in a better state of mind.
    What exactly will you be doing (or are you supposed to be doing) on Wednesday?
  3. ezi

    ezi Member

    Thanks for the reply. I appreciate all that you say.

    On wednesday I will be jailed, probably for four years, it will be dropped if I can find the money but this is very unlikely. Social services won't lend be 40k!!

    I have thought about this and planned for many weeks. I will probably be found by the authorities, no plan is foolproof but I doubt it will fail, you probably gathered this is a rational plan (my state of mind is as clear as can be considering the available options) and not a drink or drug type of attempt nor a cry for help. My wife will not be helping as such, I am leaving home wednesday morning not to return.
  4. luka

    luka Active Member

    your family would be hurt if anything happened to you, they'd rather you then money anyday, money doesnt buy anything, love is everything

    i hope you make the right choice because death is not an option, theres people out there who support you just like me and others on this forum, we're here to help you

    life is about being happy, will money make you happy? no. will dying make your family happy? no. do you want your children to be orphans? no.

    do you want to be there for your wife and family? YES
    do you want to live your life being with them because its their the best thing in your life? YES
    do you love them? YES
    do they LOVE you? YES

    life isnt easy, you cant choose the cards you are dealt but you can choose how you play your hand

    its not about the bad experiences in your life, its about how you deal with them, its gonna be a hard time but at the end of it, its ognna be worth it =]

    come wednesday, i hope you reply us with updates

    ill be waiting for you

  5. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Money means jack shit in this world thats simple, i am a dad too, and have hung in there for them, as i know they should not carry my baggage all their lives, and they would, if i killed myself, we both know that.
    I have also served a prison sentence in the past,and i here i stand, an ok bloke and someone who cares about others.
    Lets face it, its the debt and the hurt you wish to leave behind, not your wife and kids.
    Please stick around, post a little, maybe listen a little too, the answers are always here if we choose to look for them, i hope you do.
    If you want to talk privately about this, please pm me and i will be here for you. Regards Pete
  6. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member


    I am imploring you not to do this! Please! Even if the worse happens and you have to go to prison, your wife and your kids will still be able to see you.

    If you leave this world now, your kids will miss you every single day of their lives. Please think about things from this angle.

    Is there no other option to gain more time to get the money you need? Is there any way to agree on some sort of repayment plan? Given all you've gone through, there has to be someone, some way to provide some financial relief or way to make restitution while staying out of prison to take care of your family. There just has to be another way.
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    are you sure 100% you're going to jail ?
    if so at least you're still alive for your family..If your wife has a mental illness how will she manage without your support?
  8. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Are you so frightened of prison that you'd rather kill yourself? Or is it some sort of guilt because you think you've been really bad?
    For the record, you're not the world's most evil person here. You made a mistake but in all honesty it's a forgivable mistake and done for understandable reasons. There is really no need to kill yourself over it.
    Would prison be so bad? I know people who've survived prison. One person I know said the worse thing was being locked up for 23 hours a day with someone who couldn't read or write. That's in the UK though and I don't know where you are.
    Most importantly you can't leave your wife or children on such a permanent basis. At least in prison, you'd still have contact.
    If you've discussed this with your wife then the repercussions for her if you go through with it are immense. She might agree with you right now but after the fact will be another matter. She'll have incredible guilt and will never recover. What if she decides the children are better off without her? Do you seriously want to risk making them orphans?
    You owe your family more than this. You're also not in your right mind and need medical assistance. Please go and see a doctor or go to the hospital. You need help as soon as possible.
  9. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    Please Ezi don't do this. Just reading your pseudo made me smile as it is the name of a lovely dog I know, so even in your darkest time you have made somebody you don't know smile which is rare for me at the moment.
    There must be another way, can you not declare yourself bankrupt? Can you not agree to pay it in small amounts each month? They must have to take your situation into consideration surely. I know it is not the greatest situation but it is a start and you can rebuild from there.
    Money is truly evil when it can cause us so much misery and fear for the future but compared to you as a person, a valuable life which no money can measure, it means nothing.
    Your children would miss you for the rest of their lives, they love you nomatter what has happened and I am sure your wife couldn't put a value on your life so no life insurance will make her deal with the pain of losing you. Even if it sorted the money problem out their lives would lose value because you were no longer in it.

    Personally, speaking hypothetically as I have no partner, I would rather have to cope with money problems forever if it meant keeping the person I love alive and with me. Even if it was never easy, love for a partner and children really can pull you through anything.

    It is making me think of Charlie and the Choclate Factory, not trying to belittle or make fun in any way at all, but there is a part of the film where the grandfather is talking to Charlie when the boy says he wants to sell the golden ticket for lots of money as they are so poor and have nothing. The grandfather tells him that the ticket is special, only a few exist, but that they can always print more money, they print more everyday. He says 'would you really want to throw away your ticket for something as ordinary as money?'.

    I know it is just a silly film but I think it is a really nice way of looking at things, the ticket represents your life and is far too valuable to throw away and much more important than any amount of money. I know it doesn't feel it now but there is another way which will mean you can live and get through this. Please.X
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    like some other people on this thread i also have a criminal record. it got me fired from my job (which i loved) and deported from the usa (i'm a canadian citizen). when that happened i thought of suicide. alot. in fact i thought of nothing else. i was so despairing i even attempted.

    that was three years ago. i am so glad i didn't succeed. i learned to forgive myself. still, there are consequences to my actions i have had to accept. i wanted to retrain to become a nurse but i can't pass the security clearance. because it was a drugs offense i can't work in any position with what is called "vulnerable populations".

    don't do anything drastic. forgive yourself for your mistakes. your family will be there waiting for you when you get out. you can make it. don't let your pride get in the way.
  11. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    As someone who has trouble forgiving himself for his own past mistakes, I hope you'll try to forgive yourself for yours. I haven't gone to jail but, sometimes, I wish I would have so I could say to others, "Look, I've done my time and paid my debt to society." Maybe then it would be easier to forgive myself and to be forgiven by others. The world can be an unforgiving place.

    I believe in forgiveness and, albeit as a stranger, I offer it to you.

    I can't tell you what to do and am pro-choice, but I do hope you'll stick around for your kids. My childhood was not easy but I imagine it would have been even harder had one of my parents killed themselves.
  12. ezi

    ezi Member

    Thanks to all of you for the comments, particularly the ones that raise a small grin!
    Too many comments to address them all but...........
    I do not need medical help, seen that with my wife for the past nine years, I unfortunately have more faith in Santa. Horribly sane and logical hence trying to make sure my family are ok financially, there is far more chance of my boys not being taken into care if my wife is not on benefits and their father in prison.
    Yes I feel plenty of guilt, regrets, shame etc - I can live with these, been doing so for long enough. Held my family together through years of bipolar madness, wife being hospitalised. episodes after birth of both children leaving me to be mum between visiting hospitals - I obviously dont look for the easy way out or I'd have been gone years ago.
    Anyway, thanks again for your comments, particularly being compared to a dog - far more sensible than humans!
    Pro life, pro choice, think I'm pro climate change - sooner we're off the planet the better...........................
  13. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member


    In previous threads I've made, we spoke of rational suicide. Some time has passed, a couple of days to be exact, and my plans were derailed due to not being able to get the "materials" I was going to use.

    I still hurt. My brain malfunctions, my emotions rule me. But, this time, I am not going to the other side. Please, stay here on this side with me, with the rest of us. I will need help again, encouragement, maybe soon. You provided it before, please stay and do it again. We are all in this together. We're all on this forum because we have the same dark thoughts in our lives. Stay with us. We all need each other. And, we all need you to stay here with us. Yes, that's right.... we all need you to stay with us. So, please do that... stay with us.
  14. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Okay, you seriously need to get to a hospital
    What you're planning may seem sane and logical but it isn't. It's not sane and it's not logical. You are ill and you are ill with a depressive illness.
    I understand your mistrust of the psychiatric profession after your experiences with your wife. I'm sorry that you have had 9 years of hell and I know it was hell because I'm a wife and mother with Bipolar disorder.
    The stress of that 9 years has made you ill and its not surprising.
    It's ridiculous to think that your son's stand less chance of going into care with a father who is dead than a father in prison. Your sons will end up in care if you take this step. Your wife will never cope without you and sooner or later they'll be in care.
    The financial situation won't help either. You can guarantee that the Insurance company will find a way to refuse the payout. Your wife is in no condition to take them to court so they'll get away with it.
    Your wife will be skint, seriously mentally ill and unstable and what's going to happen to your sons then?
    Your arguments do not make sense, they're not logical and you're not looking at all the things that would happen if you take this step.
    Seriously, you are ill and you need help fast. We do not punish theft with the death sentence anymore.
    Go to hospital please.
  15. ezi

    ezi Member

    Thanks Beachdawg, very much on my level, so glad to have been of help to you - quite astounding considering Catherine thinks I'm utterly bonkers! I believe anyone that I have pm'd with knows this is not the case.
    The weather (snow and ice here) may have given me a little more time by delaying things, I sincerely hope so. I must be the only one other than thousands of children than hopes the snow keeps falling.
    People who live in glass houses should never throw stones. Encouragement is helpful for us all I believe, advice may be a different matter.................
  16. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Catherine is right one hundred percent, sometimes the truth hurts.
  17. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Firstly, I don't think you're utterly bonkers. I think that you're in a very deep depression and seriously ill. There's a difference.
    Secondly I wasn't throwing stones, I'm trying to help you. Encouraging you to commit suicide isn't helping you. Do you really think that you're the only person to feel this way? Do you think that I haven't felt the same way many times in my life? I'm trying to point out to you that your argument isn't logical and you're making a major mistake. If my honesty offends you...tough. Someone needs to say this to you and as Pete says, sometimes the truth hurts.
    Go and take another look at your insurance policy. Somewhere in the small print it probably says that in the case of suicide, all your wife will receive is the amount that you actually paid in and nothing more. How long will she live off that amount?
    You've made some mistakes in your life but this will be the biggest mistake of them all. You're not thinking logically and you need to get help.
    You haven't done anything that deserves a death sentance and your children are going to grow up thinking that you didn't care enough about them to stay alive. There's a very good chance that they will end up with mental health problems as a result. Think about that.
  18. ezi

    ezi Member

    Your honesty doesn't offend me, we are all virtual here so we can take in as much or as little of what is said as we wish and obviously anything that is said is merely an opinion based on what that person can see which is no doubt rarely the full picture.
    In honesty I am here for a bit of "chat therapy", it seems a lot of people are here for the same, to diminish the feeling of being lonely whilst trying to cope with things.
    There are people here with far greater and more permanent problems than my own (you will appreciate I have seen this with my wife), I certainly don't think I'm the only one with problems or the site wouldn't exist.
    At the very end of the day we will all do whatever we feel is the right thing, someone else may have a different opinion which they are of course most welcome to.
  19. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member


    Can you do me a favor? Just keep posting so I/we know you're still out there; I'm online later tonight because I fell asleep earlier after a long day at work.

    Catherine has also pointed out a couple things regarding your insurance that I hope you'll consider. Many policies don't pay out the full amount in the event of a suicide. And, if yours does, I know that insurance companies are stingy with payouts... your wife could very well end up in a protracted court battle.

    So, please please please look at those angles too. Not only would your wife and children miss you and have a huge void to fill, but your plans to help them financially could fall through. I know you don't believe this right now, but logically, more and more, it's becoming clearer and clearer the best course of action for you is to stay with us all.

    Oh, and when it snows here, I'm there with all the kids too rooting for it to keep on coming down. They often close businesses and stuff here so I get the occasional unplanned day off. It's kind of like finding a dollar bill in your jeans... a nice little surprise.
  20. SomeoneElse

    SomeoneElse Well-Known Member

    I take it no one's heard from ezi.
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