Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Scum, Apr 27, 2009.

  1. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm just not coping. IT's a good pretence. 'apparently competent'. functioning outwardly. falling inwardly. its all so messy,. all so wrong.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Can you talk about how you're REALLY feeling?

    You can be yourself here. You don't have to keep it together or act a certain way. Sometimes it helps just to let everything out.
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    i cant be myself here. i cant be myself. i dont eve know who i am.

    i dot know how to not function outwardly, i dont know how to not hide. i am apparently comptetent everyhwree where i go until i cant do it anymore.

    i dont even know why this is in this forum. brain fade. sorry.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's okay. I think your post is fine where it is.

    Would it help to post what's going through your head, the thoughts you're having right now? Maybe just start to write, and see where it takes you.

    You don't have to hide; but I know it's not that easy if it's what you're used to doing, if it's how you're used to coping.
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hmm, what's going on in my heafd.

    I'm desperate. Desperate to get out. I feel trapped. I can't get out because I have a terminally ill animal I have to care for, which means I get no break, or potental break. I can't go anywhere, even hospital. I can't communicate to anyone what's going on. I can't explain or articulate enough. My body is struggling and organ failur eis a very real risk and that thrillls one part of me and scaresa another part. I'm dicing with death and its like a challenge. I pretty much feel no emotions anymore. They may slip out and then tey get pushed down. not by choice. I feel dead inside. I was told that I'm always going to be in and out oif crises but that i should be able to cope generally, although i will always have slips and bumps. that took the pressure off of ever needing to get compeltely well because i know i never will. i feel completely alone and like im doing this all by myself and its so cold and hard and islated. im scared, not sure what of though. i havent been reported missing for three and a half years, but the dissociation is trying to make me disappear again. it takes me places and then i am technically missing, even if i come back as soon as i 'cpme round'. i had a dream the other night that was really thrillingly self destructive and i was nearly leaving the house in the middle of the night to carry it out, except that the dream was spread between two places 150miles apart (you know how weird dreasm can be) so i couldnt. i was cnfused. i feel like im suffocating. proer like there is something tied around my neck. maybe its a sign for me to hang myself., i feel very hopeless because im failing therapy.

    oh dear, what a whinge, sorry.
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know the pain of taking care of a terminally ill animal. I had a Doberman once that developed a heart problem, and all I could do was make him comfortable and wait. *hugs* I'm sorry you have to go through it too. It hurts, to put it mildly.

    You CAN communicate what's going on though. Maybe sometimes you think you can't ... maybe there are times you feel trapped, not sure of how to communicate what you're thinking. But you can do it. You just did. I know that's not everything that's going on in your life, but it was a start.

    It's okay to be scared, even if you're not sure what it is you're afraid of. Sometimes we don't know. We just know that the fear is there, and it won't go away.

    It's not a sign for you to hang yourself. But it does sound like you've held so much in for so long that it's making you feel like you can't breathe.

    Therapy can be frustrating. Because there are times it can help, and then just when you think things are on track, it all goes in the opposite direction. But it can turn around again. Dont' give up on it.

    I love the word whinge, even though I'm not 100% sure what it means. And don't be sorry. It's okay to post, vent, talk about how you feel.
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    what pushes the emotions down?

    it's no wonder you're feeling the way you do when you say it like it is. it sounds so difficult and i wish i could be of more help. i found when i'm not addressing how i feel, my ED gets worse , just like how you say it.

    is there a family member that could help you with the animal you need to care for?
  8. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member


    I know it's hard to open up, but we're here to listen & we want to help any way we can honey.

    :hug: xx
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I read that over and it misses out so much of whats going on in my head, but i guess its a statr, right?

    my T cancelled tomorrows appointment. shes ill. again. i dont know how to feel. i could tell i strated to feel sad and panicked but then, nothing. just nothing at all. i have no further appointment booked. part of me is saying theres no point going back, another part of saying, that she is ill, it happens to people, its not her fault. i think i need to understand more. im confused. i feel a bit lost, actually.
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    'active passitivyt' you people do my head in. You make me feel worthless. You make me fele like a njothing. I knwo that's because thats what I am.

    'apparently competent', thats what i am. carry on regardless tell people how i feel but my body laguage doesnt meet up with my verbal communication and so its compeltely ingored. try to hide everything.

    i want to die. ive had enough.

    i hate tyou. and you. andyou. and you trigger the fuck out of me.

    i use you to make me feel worthles.s emotional self harm.

    and i need you. but youre not there.
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're right, it's a good start. And you can always post more if you want to.

    What's making you feel like there's no point in going back?

    What has you so confused? Sometimes writing it out, then going back and seeing everything written down, helps to sort things out in your head.

    You aren't worthless. How you feel, what you think and what you say are all important. You matter. Please keep talking here.
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I need her and she's not there. That's not her fault, but I just feel like if she is supposed to be there and now she's not, then there is no point me going back. Please understand that that is the BPD part of my talking because it's irrational. Rationally I can see she's ill and she needs to be at home and I can understand that and would never dispute it, but then my irrational side just won't listen to that at all.

    Why am I confused. Hmm, I'm confuwed about, well, lots of things actually. What I should or shouldn't be doing. What I do or don't need. What's wrong with me, or not. I feel like a tennis ball being batted from one opinion to another, never getting rested, just sometimes getting hit out of bounds and losing the plot.

    I just really need her. I'd worked really hard this week to write down stuff to talk about, to share, I hd stuff to tell her. I needed her to be there. And she isn't. I hold on all week for this and it's pointless doing that because she's ill. I just need her, that's all.
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I do understand. And I know it's complicated, because as much as you rationally KNOW she's sick, and it's not her fault, that irrational side is there and won't go away. It's like a mental tug-of-war between what you know and what you feel.

    It's okay to need her, and to feel let down because she can't be there. Can you make another appointment with her, maybe one that's sooner than your usual one?

    You can keep holding on! I know it's frustrating, because the appointment you had with her gave you something concrete to hold onto. But you're still holding on, and you can keep going!
  14. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for eplying. Please don#'t ever feel you have to.

    Yeh, the rational and irrational battl eall the time. Sometimes rational is stronger, sometimes irrational. I thin I need to talk to ehr about her being ill. I have some feelings about what might be causing it from things she has said. If I'm right then the rational will completely be in control because its something that affects my life daily.

    I have to wait for her to call me, so it depends when she is well enough to call and reschedule. I'll see what she says. I'm not going to be the only one who she has had to cancel and she will have to rescheduel for all of us, so I wouldn't want to copromise them, or also make it harder or more stressful for her when she is already ill.

    That's all very rational of me, and thats my 'apparently competetent' part coming out, becauser really I feel quite rejected and abandoned by her. I would love a sooner appointment but I won't ask for one, or get one. I think also waiting a week to see her (if she is well by then) will keep me in my routine and also it might help give these rejected and abandonment feelings a chance to ease, else I may react irrationally to her.

    Thank you so much.
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know I don't have to reply; I do it because I want to, because I care.

    I think talking to her about why she's sick is a good idea. It's worth a try, especially if you end up being right and can help her figure out what's wrong.

    Are there other reasons you feel rejected and abandoned by her, or is it just from her having to cancel this week?

    Sorry for asking so many questions. Just know that you can post how you feel, whether it's rational or not. Talking about the irrational might not make it go away, but at least you're acknowledging the feelings, putting them out there. You deserve to be heard!