4th step and rape

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by allycat200453, Aug 21, 2016.

  1. allycat200453

    allycat200453 New Member

    I am new here. I have nearly 18 months of sobriety from alcohol. When I was 16 I was violently raped. I pretended it never happened as soon as he was done. I stuffed it and now I had to deal with it. It's so fresh at 34. I feel like I can smell him. The torment in my head is too much. My husband says sex isn't the same and I agree. I am afraid he is going to leave because I've been such a mess. I have 2 small children and have ptsd, depression, and anxiety. I wish I never opened this can of worms. I don't feel safe and I have no reason to not feel safe. I've lost nearly 40 lbs from depression and I take 3 showers a day because I'm so appalled with myself and feel so dirty. I feel like I know I can't do this much longer and <Mod Edit:Methods>I've never hurt this bad and therapy doesn't seem to help. I don't know what to do and I'm losing control. I need help and don't know where to start.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2016
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi @allycat200453 and welcome to the forums.

    What you have gone through is horrific and the fact you feel the need to take 3 showers a day shows how much it is affecting you. You need to get professional help, maybe you and your partner could go to counselling together? Would that help save your relationship do you think? Always remember it was NOT your fault in any which way. I am glad you have come on here and posted, that is a step forward in my opinion. Talk to your husband about it as much as you can and explain you cannot help how its making you feel.

    ((big hugs))
    allycat200453 likes this.
  3. allycat200453

    allycat200453 New Member

    Thank you. I've read some of the threads and I feel sad in comforted having the same emotions. He is sick he contacted me asking if I wore the same perfume. I was 16 and now I'm 34. So sick. I deactivated all social media and find myself isolating which is very dangerous territory for an addict. I called some hotlines and found some free programs that might help. I don't understand why it has his much of a hold on me. Does one simply "get over it" and move on? i will talk to my husband and see if he will be willing. I'm sure he will be.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi again. You are very welcome. It's okay to feel ''cool'' about relating to the other threads here, I am a survivor of rape too. I was raped when I was 12, I know how horrendous it can be and how mentally destroying it really is. I don't think it is a matter off simply getting over it and moving on but rather finding closure, what would you like to see happen? Would you like to attend counselling and find skills to help you cope with this? Would you like to report him to the authorities? What would be your idea of closure? I am so sorry for what you are going through but at the same time I totally understand. Rape is one of the worst crimes if not the worst. I really feel for you (hugs)
  5. allycat200453

    allycat200453 New Member

    Right now I just don't want to feel scared. Like its to the point I feel like others have it out for me. I'm very confused who I can and can't trust. My goal is to not feel this way. I stuffed it for so long that it is coming out in awful behaviors. I am in counseling but the biggest effect is my marriage. I don't think I can handle police at all. I want closure. I want to be ok and feel safe. I want my marriage back. I'm not exactly sure what my idea of closure is honestly. I just want to stop hurting.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Could you go to couples counselling? Does he already go with you or not? I hope that you do stop hurting soon and the pain and memories ease on you, you do not deserve that at all. Talk to your husband, explain your fears and go from there... :) I really hope you begin to feel better soon, rape can definitely screw one's mind up beyond hell so please make sure you get this treated in counselling and if its not helping, find another counsellor!
  7. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hello Ally, I'm sorry you're going through this. There's a Doctor Gabor Mate' in Canada here and he worked with those addicted to alcohol and drugs, he stated that every one of his female and some male patients had been raped/molested in their past. It may be surfacing more now, since stopping the alcohol(which probably helped suppress the memories/feelings) as Petal suggested, therapy is probably the best way to deal with it. If you look up Dr.Gabor Mate' on YouTube he has many videos of his talks, maybe you and your husband could get some understanding from watching.
    I hope things get better for you both and congratulations on your 18mnths sobriety.
    Petal likes this.
  8. SunShine1973

    SunShine1973 Active Member

    Hi my story is very similar to yours therefore I wanted to thank you for sharing it and say hi