I am new here. I have nearly 18 months of sobriety from alcohol. When I was 16 I was violently raped. I pretended it never happened as soon as he was done. I stuffed it and now I had to deal with it. It's so fresh at 34. I feel like I can smell him. The torment in my head is too much. My husband says sex isn't the same and I agree. I am afraid he is going to leave because I've been such a mess. I have 2 small children and have ptsd, depression, and anxiety. I wish I never opened this can of worms. I don't feel safe and I have no reason to not feel safe. I've lost nearly 40 lbs from depression and I take 3 showers a day because I'm so appalled with myself and feel so dirty. I feel like I know I can't do this much longer and <Mod Edit:Methods>I've never hurt this bad and therapy doesn't seem to help. I don't know what to do and I'm losing control. I need help and don't know where to start.