5 months and still feeling shit

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by *dilligaf*, Nov 11, 2007.

  1. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Nearly 5 months now, nearly 5 months of feeling like this, 5 months of being triggered by stupid stuff, 5 months of taking things out on the oneperson I truely love and 5 months of missing her like mad.

    I think it's because of christmas coming up, the first one without her, that I have started feeling so bad again recently. I had been doing okay really. Then suddenly *bang* it hits me again.

    * wants me to talk to her, to post about it and to be honest about how I'm feeling but I'm scared of soing that, I'm scared of how it will affect her. I saw how she got the other night at the mention of ******, I don't want to be the one to remind her, I don't want to be the one to upset her.

    It's stupid but I can't stand the thought of making plans without her. I am very happy to make a life with Vikki, to talk about moving in together, to get a job and that sort of thing...but as soon as the family tries to plan something that Nan should be involved in it upsets me. Mum was tlaking about our family going out for Christmas dinner this year last night...my Nan has money at the beginning of December every year to buy presents with and my Mum and uncle were talking about using some of that money to pay for the Christmas dinner. That's what set me off, and then I heard one of the songs that is on my Nan's online memorial that I created for her and I went upstairs to cut....I haven't done it in 26 days....Vik followed me though so I couldn't :smile:

    I want her back so much, more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. And it's killing me that I can't have it :cry:

    Nan, I love you darling and I always will. I will never forget you :hug:
  2. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

  3. savetoniqht

    savetoniqht Well-Known Member

    :sad: :sad: I'm so sorry hun, I know how much it hurts to lose people you love.. :sad: I wish I knew what to say to make it better, but I don't know if there really is anything I can say.. I'm sorry though. I know it doesn't help too much, but I'm here for you. :hug: