5 year need

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mcglothern, Sep 8, 2007.

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  1. mcglothern

    mcglothern New Member

    For 5 years i've wanted to end it, i wanted to so badly, and to this day i still do. I have no one to relate to, i dont want my family, and my friends aren't there for me. I once tried to reach out to a friend and ask her what to do, but all i was told is that i was a depressing person, and she asked me why i even had a best friend.

    That person was no help to me, and it really does hurt because she was the one whom i liked almost most out of all my friends. Even if she said something hurtful like that, i still have a debt to pay to her.

    I have my suicide planned, down to the very last detail. I have 2 back up plans if they were to pump my stomach before they were to get to me.

    There is no one there for me. My life is a long road with no end. Really thats all life is, a long road with no true endings, only turns. I lost my childhood when i was 8, something happend to me that should never happen to anyone. and because that bastard was only 17 he got off with therapy, and what happend to me? I was seperated from my family, not friends, i didnt have those. Even through all this i was fine, i didnt feel pain, or sadness i was almost even what i would call happy.

    The family i was living with gave me food and a room, which is more than what i have now that i am back with my parents. Time past, and as the 2 years went by that i lived with my new family i didn't have friends, and hormones were beginning to kick in. I began to wonder, why don't the kids treat me like they do other kids.

    In everyone elses eye i was a short, ugly, skinny, four eyed, white kid that was annoying.

    Now i was "allowed" to move back with my family because my new family had signed a paper returning guardianship to my mom. ofcourse only after saving all the money up from childsupport, and other benifits from the state. They no longer needed me, so they cast me back in the pavement like a old peice of gum to stick on the shoe of another and bring them trouble.

    now that i was at the main part of my hormone developement, and experiencing depression which affected the way my chemicals are released(i laugh in the present of sad things, even if i dont want to)

    It was a different type of school, and i was actually tolerated for the first time in my life, note* this is different from accepted. I was tolerated, and people recognized that i took up that space that was once empty, though they seemed to frown at interaction with me. I walked home everyday, it wasnt far, maybe 2/3 of a mile, or a 15 minute walk. while all the other kids had been driven

    now ofcourse i had emotions of fondness for females. I liked someone like everyone did. she however liked one of the people whos mothers made them talk to me. the person who i guess i called a friend. this crushed me.

    now the year ends we all go to middle school, but i get taken out of theirs, and put in a new enviroment. it was a richer school, and they werent fond of my longer hair, so i was looked down upon by most everyone. I had my first friend who didnt hang out with me because he was made too. it was just me and him that whole year.

    the next year we couldnt afford the neighborhood so we moved, and my friend moved to another state to live with his dad. I attended a school where everyone liked my long hair, and everyone knew my name. no one knew me, but they all knew the kid with the "coke bottle glasses, and long hair" to them i resembled john lennon whom i didnt know was the beatles until after that.

    again i had no friends, and i blindly sought to be with the people who tolerated me. I made it into their highschool, and everyone remembered me, but still they were a bit uneasy, and accepted me a little more than before. Eventually we began to hang out, but still i was distant from them. I asked the girl whom i still liked out, and we went out for a while.

    Although it was weird, there were many rules that could not be broken.
    1. no kissing
    2. she comes first
    3. she will not tell me what she wants, it is my job to guess and check
    4 her parents will not know
    5. we can't be together outside of school

    We didn't get that far, and everyone expected her to dump me. She cried very easily, and i made her do so unwillingly due to my stupidity in the relationship feild. Seeing that i was doing more damage than good, i broke up with her, and she hates me now, all her friends hate me, and we don't talk.

    now im at were im at, my family is getting the message that i am going to end this crappy shell of a life, but they think im acting out for attention.

    make no mistake, im not hesitating on it, im waiting. the second i can get my hands on sleeping pills, i will put my plans into action. i truly hate this world, and the fact that i have emotions. if i could not take the bad, even if i had to give up the good, i would. lets just call this my "last will"
  2. Fallout

    Fallout New Member

    Fuck that girl, sounds liek a controling bitch dont even worry about her.
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