I have a friend called Daniel, who used to be an extreme social outcast. For the past 5 or so years I've tried my hardest to get him to come out with me and my friends, join in, socialize. It's been a difficult road but slowly I saw him start to get some confidence even if only a little. There'd been difficult points, like times when he decided to insult me. Ignore me for days on end without explanation. Call me a whore. Laugh at my miscarriage. Yet somehow I still tried because I figured, the guy is programmed that way. I know he doesn't mean it. It isn't his fault.
Of course it has been difficult. I have my own issues as you all well know. Things hit hard, especially the miscarriage thing. He yells at me for not letting him forget it, but the miscarriage was only 2 months ago (two months today, actually...) so... it's impossible for me to forget the hurtful things that he said and sometimes they come back to me when things with the miscarriage get hard.
Anyway, I'm deviating here. My point is, I did put my all in. Honestly, I did. I once remember saying, if I could halve my confidence, and give half to him, I would do it. 'Because he deserves it'.
Yet, now, because of my mental illness getting worse over the past 7 months, he has decided that I'm not good enough for him. He has said things such as "I can honestly say I don't care anymore about the select few within the groups problems anymore. It's caused me nothing but grief for the last several months and I've had enough. I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to see them. I want to forget that the last 7 months even happened" and "Maybe with so much free time on my hands now I can concentrate on getting the best grades possible and making new friends that are actually stable enough to not fuck me over mentally."
Am I wrong to feel... Well... Like I've just wasted 5 years of my life on someone who was just not worth my time at all? Like I've just been abandoned by an absolute fucking prick who found it funny to joke about things such as there being "just an arm" left of my baby in my womb when I went for my ultrasound?
Am I wrong to wonder why I even called this guy a 'friend' to start with?
Am I wrong to wish I could turn back the clock 5 years and just tell him to go and fuck himself?
Kaz x
Of course it has been difficult. I have my own issues as you all well know. Things hit hard, especially the miscarriage thing. He yells at me for not letting him forget it, but the miscarriage was only 2 months ago (two months today, actually...) so... it's impossible for me to forget the hurtful things that he said and sometimes they come back to me when things with the miscarriage get hard.
Anyway, I'm deviating here. My point is, I did put my all in. Honestly, I did. I once remember saying, if I could halve my confidence, and give half to him, I would do it. 'Because he deserves it'.
Yet, now, because of my mental illness getting worse over the past 7 months, he has decided that I'm not good enough for him. He has said things such as "I can honestly say I don't care anymore about the select few within the groups problems anymore. It's caused me nothing but grief for the last several months and I've had enough. I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to see them. I want to forget that the last 7 months even happened" and "Maybe with so much free time on my hands now I can concentrate on getting the best grades possible and making new friends that are actually stable enough to not fuck me over mentally."
Am I wrong to feel... Well... Like I've just wasted 5 years of my life on someone who was just not worth my time at all? Like I've just been abandoned by an absolute fucking prick who found it funny to joke about things such as there being "just an arm" left of my baby in my womb when I went for my ultrasound?
Am I wrong to wonder why I even called this guy a 'friend' to start with?
Am I wrong to wish I could turn back the clock 5 years and just tell him to go and fuck himself?
Kaz x