Not posted here in a while because I had been ok through the summer. Not now. I've just noticed that I've been registered here 5 years this month. When I look back to how I was then at 19 and the difficulties with spells of depression over these years I find I have changed a lot and yet I still suffer from depression, in large for the same reason but interpreted differently, that being that the number 1 cause of my difficulties is a lack of adequate relationships, socially and intimately. When I have those to what is my brains satisfactory measure I am cured, I become confident and I live life. For the first 3 years of this 5 my brain was still in a development stage, my world was small and frustration, the feeling of being trapped, needing to get out and experience but unable to was a very strong feature. This also saw a spell of self harm and anxiety fits. Eventually I got friends and a girlfriend, it took a while because I had to do it alone. the world was coming together and I was being freed. But then 18 months ago, bang, it ended, university was over, I lost all my friends and my girl, returned back to my prison cell, in this room, in my mind. I had reached full brain development by this age. My depression eventually came back in the longer I was in this prison. I found an alarming and worrying mental sate now occurred, self harm and the anxiety belonged to an earlier period, a reaction to the need to get out then, now my depression was overcome with defeatism and ultimately acceptance that I had it, I lost it, there is no way for it to come back, the opportunities are gone, there's nothing to fight for. It was now that suicide became very real. I managed to work a new opening in the summer and had a spell of about a month where my confidence and being was growing tenfold. If only I had that when I was a teenager and then I could have had a great life. But yet again these relationships came to an abrupt ending. I returned to my prison cell. It's coming back, the acceptance that opportunities are over, I missed the boat, those I once knew have not, there is no life for me in this world. In the past I had opportunities through education, going to university, then through travel. Now though I am unemployed, my time is done in education, my travel is done and I come out of it wih no relationships. I am in a disturbingly precarious position, I am unemployed and I have no friends, no intimacy, no support. I'm struggling to find a job and dangerously the next move, this job, this is my career and future, my entire well being and it's not in my hands, I can't choose where I work or what I do, I could once choose my education and travels in order to begin the journey towards achieving these relationships. This next move is out of my hands, it could push me over the edge entirely, it could be the beginning, but it is right now most likely to be the end, if I make it as far as to get employed, this could go on for months. My fear is that the inevitable is I gt a job which means I am underemployed, to which the last hope will be sucked away, the hope of going on to be someone I was supposed to be and is worthy of it in my own mind will be gone. I am delicately in the balance.