5 years

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Hache, Oct 22, 2012.

  1. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Not posted here in a while because I had been ok through the summer. Not now.

    I've just noticed that I've been registered here 5 years this month. When I look back to how I was then at 19 and the difficulties with spells of depression over these years I find I have changed a lot and yet I still suffer from depression, in large for the same reason but interpreted differently, that being that the number 1 cause of my difficulties is a lack of adequate relationships, socially and intimately. When I have those to what is my brains satisfactory measure I am cured, I become confident and I live life.

    For the first 3 years of this 5 my brain was still in a development stage, my world was small and frustration, the feeling of being trapped, needing to get out and experience but unable to was a very strong feature. This also saw a spell of self harm and anxiety fits.

    Eventually I got friends and a girlfriend, it took a while because I had to do it alone. the world was coming together and I was being freed. But then 18 months ago, bang, it ended, university was over, I lost all my friends and my girl, returned back to my prison cell, in this room, in my mind. I had reached full brain development by this age. My depression eventually came back in the longer I was in this prison. I found an alarming and worrying mental sate now occurred, self harm and the anxiety belonged to an earlier period, a reaction to the need to get out then, now my depression was overcome with defeatism and ultimately acceptance that I had it, I lost it, there is no way for it to come back, the opportunities are gone, there's nothing to fight for. It was now that suicide became very real.

    I managed to work a new opening in the summer and had a spell of about a month where my confidence and being was growing tenfold. If only I had that when I was a teenager and then I could have had a great life. But yet again these relationships came to an abrupt ending. I returned to my prison cell.

    It's coming back, the acceptance that opportunities are over, I missed the boat, those I once knew have not, there is no life for me in this world.

    In the past I had opportunities through education, going to university, then through travel. Now though I am unemployed, my time is done in education, my travel is done and I come out of it wih no relationships. I am in a disturbingly precarious position, I am unemployed and I have no friends, no intimacy, no support. I'm struggling to find a job and dangerously the next move, this job, this is my career and future, my entire well being and it's not in my hands, I can't choose where I work or what I do, I could once choose my education and travels in order to begin the journey towards achieving these relationships. This next move is out of my hands, it could push me over the edge entirely, it could be the beginning, but it is right now most likely to be the end, if I make it as far as to get employed, this could go on for months. My fear is that the inevitable is I gt a job which means I am underemployed, to which the last hope will be sucked away, the hope of going on to be someone I was supposed to be and is worthy of it in my own mind will be gone.

    I am delicately in the balance.
  2. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    nothing is like the reminder of this time and how it looks when looking back

    i like how you look back but now with different eyes... then i see your point

    i know you tried so hard back when and over time

    a job doesn't not define the kind of friend and person you are already

    traveling does not define you

    but time now that really does help make you who you are

    i don't know if traveling is really over for you

    but i do remember the world you re entered and the place you are writing from

    before you would have listened to a thousand suggustions and followed through on some of them

    i just know that you are a friend to people: a friend to me

    that is not enough to define you.... i wish this time off would give you a chance to befriend yourself and hold on

    it only takes a little bit to make anyone feel bad

    and you have had a good deal more then that

    thank you for being you even if its the hardest thing in the world to be

    i will keep hoping for new change to come into your life as you seem to hope for the same thing
    best friends
  3. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Thank you Suzy :) they were really nice words that have helped! I hope you can find happiness as well.