50 and life just ended for me two days ago

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by tigerpaws, Apr 25, 2013.

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  1. tigerpaws

    tigerpaws Member

    i'm 50 yrs old and have been through the worst time of my life in the past to years. just when i thought it couldn't get an worse, it did.... to tell where it started and how it got so bad is a long story but it started with my first divorce and a really bad bought of depression several years ago. i fought back hard. had a relapse and fought back from that. up until now all i've had is panic attacks. but the last three days have left me in a very dark place with feelings of being worthless and not being sure i have to strength to face the road ahead.

    in the past two years everything i have worked for my entire life has been taken from me. first my health with the ups and downs of type 1 or type 2 diabetes, they can't really tell. then kidney stones. then i lost a court case and ended up with a judgement against me for court fees because i fought for my three children from my 1st divorce. that lead to bankruptcy and i still had to pay the judgement. this year i lost my job of 25 years due to downsizing. i figured i was going to end up loosing my home and my wife and two children from my second marriage would be out on the street.

    stress has been high with my wife but i made a huge mistake when we got into a shouting match on monday. i yelled at her and she called 911. i ended up being arrested, spent the night in the county jail and now am facing criminal charges of domestic battery. i never touched her, just yelled. i've never had any criminal problems or even a traffic ticket. now this. now my ex wife is going to fight to stop me from seeing my other 3 children all because of an accusation. i haven't been found guilty of anything yet. my current wife is going to divorce me and wants to see me go to jail. which might be a good thing because she is verbally abusive to me and all of my children.

    i'm really feeling like my life has just been sucked out of me. i guess i am just too nice and put up with things that i should have stopped long ago.

    i'm tired of feeling this way. feeling trapped. feeling hopeless. feeling alone and now potentially having everything taken away from me. i can't go through a nasty second divorce and i'm simply too old to start over. i don't have the motivation i did when i was in my 30's.

    i just want to go to bed and not wake up. close my eyes one last time, think of my kids and not wake up to tomorrow. i did call a therapist today and have an appointment tomorrow but i am even afraid to see them because if i so much as give a hit that i'm done with life, then the next fun stage will start of being admitted to the hospital. this gives even more ammo to my wife and my ex-wife to keep my kids away from me. so what do you do to get help? who do you talk to?

    i just feel this is a no win situation for me. all my life i've done right. helped others and now this is what i have. what a total waste my life has been.

    thanks reading this. i really don't know who else to turn to. everyone tells me i am a very good person but being treated like i am a guilty has me feeling there really isn't much left to hold on to..... i am in a very dark place now.
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    It's more than difficult but the only person who can change your life is you. You've had help in the past, try again and stick with it. Venting is good but only works for a while. On earlier posts you've spoken of changing jobs every year. You must have skills that employers need so getting a new job is not impossible. Good luck.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Going to hospital to get help shows strenght hun shows judge you are willing to do everything to get y ourself well and strong for your kids. Yelling throwing threats anger hun perhaps getting some help to deal with that anger will help to. You can move forward you still have a lot of life to live hun so don't give up yet ok Just take one day at a time ok one day time.
  4. tigerpaws

    tigerpaws Member

    Two items that helped me get through today. Saw a therapist and that helped a lot. Cried my eyes out. Was told that I should not "devastize" being arrested. Don't automatically assume the worst. Was told the same thing by a criminal attorney that I retained. So those two things helped a bunch.

    Today I went through a bunch of notes that my wife and I sent to each other over the past few years. I took them with to the therapist. She suggested that I read up on hypomania. So I did. A bipolar disorder that fits many of the behaviors my wife exhibits. I know just reading something on the internet isn't a quick simple answer. But it gives me hope. Hope that this might all be fixed. Hope that maybe I can get back on my feet and not have such a dark outlook on life.

    One thing really made my cry last night and again today. My little girl gave my oldest son a hand drawn picture to give to me. It simple said "I miss you daddy" & "I love you daddy". Ripped my heart right out of my chest.

    When I went through a past episode of depression and wanted to end it all, my therapist gave me a safety thought - it was my oldest son. Now I am using my youngest daughter.

    I have to stay strong and try to get help for my wife, myself and the family. I pray someone will listen and be reasonable. Having a problem is one thing, not admitting to it is another. Not getting help is the worst.

    Glad I went for the help today. Glad for the kind words on this site. Hopefully sharing some of the positives will help others to seek help too. I'll update more if I slip back or if I move forward.
  5. fatloser

    fatloser Banned Member

    If you didn't hit her, then why were you arrested? It's not illegal to get into an argument with someone. Did you threaten her? If I were you, go through with the divorce and be on your own for awhile, because it seems like it's your ex wives that are causing a lot of this. I am going through a divorce as well, and I can say that I don't ever see myself getting married again. It's just not worth the bullshit you have to put up with, not only while married, but trying to end a marriage. If you love someone, what about marriage changes anything? It's just a license to get the state involved so they can get their cut. Seeing a therapist will help, because they will teach you ways to cope with some of the problems you face. Good luck with everything, life can sure be a bitch sometimes.
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    glad to hear that the therapy has been helping, tigerpaws. hope that talking here can help, and that things get better soon!
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so glad therapy was helpful, and that you have kind words from your children to hold onto. :hug: Let us know how you're doing... feel free to drop me a PM if you ever need to talk.
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