The first time I thought of hurting myself was when I was five. I have been in psychotherapy for 40 years and been on various med cocktails for 20. Seven months ago my psychiatrist took me off of Abilify, because I started to develop Tardive Dyskinesia. Neurofeedback didn't work. ECT no longer works for me. Everything I read about TMS sounds negative. I don't have any faith that medicinal marijuana will work. This leaves surgery. VNS only works in 17% of cases. This leaves psychosurgery like DBS and cigulotomy. I would rather be dead than to have something go wrong in brain surgery. So I am looking at [method deleted]. I don't know if I have the balls to do it. If something goes wrong, I am afraid I will end up a vegetable. Life sucks and I don't know what to do. I have worked hard on getting better, but I am still sick and I still have symptoms. Not sure what there is to live for.