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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Needshelp, Jun 24, 2009.

  1. Needshelp

    Needshelp Well-Known Member

    im thinking more and more about just doing it. seriously what the fuck do i have going for me right now? notta godamn thing. so why not? my family hates me more and more on a daily basis because im a lazy, sleazy, good for nothing piece of shit. and i feel worse and worse everyday. seriously the only people i can call "friends" are drunks and drug addicts. and anyone else i try to reach out to doesnt want a fuckin thing to do with me. i didnt realize ive fucked my name up to the point where people wont even talk to me. hmmm.. just another reason. ive been thinking moving out of state would help, but i dont think it would do much good. submerge myself in a city i dont know would probably just give me the extra incentive to just go ahead and paint the walls of my room with my gray matter. oh well. we all go someday dont we? it might hurt my family a little bit at first. but ireally think itll be an advantage in the end...
     
  2. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Hey, I don't know you, so.... have you seen a doctor about this? a psychiatrist? tried medications or therapy? natural medicine?

    I feel an agonizing amount of despair too, of course my situation is different than yours... but the way I see it, is we should hang on until we've exhausted every possible option for healing, because its very possible these feelings are temporary.

    Sometimes I'm afraid when the pain gets so intense that I lose control, I've hurt myself quite a bit and I fear that if it gets any worse I'll wind up dead by suicide, hardly by choice but only because the pain of the moment really was too much to bear...

    Anways I'm off track.

    I don't know your family, and I understand it might be a very strained and unhealthy relationship or worse, but suicide is very traumatic for the people who witness it, regardless I think. They might be hurt more than you'd think. They might value you more than you realize. Do you live with your family?
     
  3. Needshelp

    Needshelp Well-Known Member

    ive tried multiple therapists and ive tried medications. none of which did anything for me. my therapist was more like a second mom than anything. whenever i would come in and talk about my problems, she would react more like a mother and interrogate me and question me. i just felt pressured everytime i went, so i quit going. well that and i ran out of insurance. i do live with my family, and frankly it gets worse almost day to day. i just dont know how much longer i can deal with all of this shit. my brother is a bi polar fucking lunatic. he snaps and starts throwing shit and flippin out of some of the most trvial, small things you could. he treats my parents like complete shit and they never say a word to him about it. but when i say shit, or hell when i first wake up, my dad starts picking fights with me, and physically wanting to beat my ass. ever since my brother was born hes been the favorite in his eyes though. its really really obvious. but oh well live and cope i guess. im just not gonna live with this shit anymore. hell, ever since i could walk my dads been cussin like a trucker. but whatever. my moms a fuckin whack job too. but thats what years and years and years of hardcore prescription use does. even when you dont abuse it.or at least that i know of. seriously the only good thing i have going for me is i play in a band. but i feel i suck at that too, and its kinda starting to come out. the people i play with are amazing dudes too. and amazing players, i just feel i cant keep up anymore.

    i know id hurt my family, but man anymore im really starting to lose care. but i think if i did it might just start a chain reaction of suicide....god i feel helpless..
     
  4. Needshelp

    Needshelp Well-Known Member

    im done with it. im just about to say fuck it and bury myself alive just for the pleasure of it. i hate this world. starting to just hate life all together.
     
  5. DynamiteKid

    DynamiteKid Well-Known Member

    i feel u man
     
  6. Needshelp

    Needshelp Well-Known Member

    seriously thinking about just blowing my fucking brains out everywhere... cant go a single day without thinking that.. i just think anymore that its the only way im gonna get better. im too pathetic to save now. would it even be worth it? seriously... even since i was a little kid ive never made a positive difference in this world... im pretty convinced the rest of this world hates me.. and its alright. i dont even hate them anymore. i guess ive never really enjoyed the company of people.. ive always been a loner and im pretty sure im gonna be one for the rest of my life.. oh well... if not by myself alone, alone with the worms.. i just really cant get over this self hatred... i really cant. i fucking hate myself.. seriously. im a fat, good for nothing loser that doesnt deserve anything good in their life..oh well.. i cant honestly say when i die i hope no one shows to my funeral.. everyones got better things to do then watch em bury a nasty disgusting piece of dog shit... wont be worth their time..
     
  7. Needshelp

    Needshelp Well-Known Member

    so even the shit that i do thats "fun" to me i cant really enjoy anymore. i hate everything and i hate everyone pretty much. my parents pretty much make sure i cant make any new friends or relationships with how fucked up they are. i cant bring anyone to my house because theyre both the most embarassing, annoying and immature people around. if theres a way to get people to stop talking to you, itd be that way. theyre just weird and scare all my friends and girls off. no wonder why no one calls me when they leave my house. cuz no one wants to ever talk to me again.i keep having really fucked up dreams. well not too fucked up. but strange.like me getting back with m y ex. had that reoccuring dream the past few nights, and i wake up with the cold relatiy that im all alone. whatever. ill get used to being alone sometime i guess...im just so fucking lonely... and the only girls that will talk to me(and please dont get offended) are fat, nasty, abso-fucking-lutely crazy. maybe i should just be a chubby chaser. having meaningless sex with a bunch of fat girls.. they seem to be the only ones that even talk to me. oh well. once i get the money to get a handgun shits gonna go downhill really fast
     
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think you being in a band is a positive thing.. Maybe talk to them about where your having problems keeping up and they can give you suggestions.. You sound as if you didn't have all this anger built up inside of you that you are a very nice person.. You just have been delt alot of shit over the years..You say you can;t afford a therapist anymore.. Have you thought of maybe joining a group therapy.. You can call your hospital and ask for someone in mental health and they should be able to help you find a group...
    I don't know how old you are but you should avoid your parents until you can move out.. At 16 you can become an immancepated child and move out..All you have to do is prove your working so you will need to get a job before you apply..Suicide is not the answer.. I know because I have tried three times.. Thru therapy I have grown stronger and the dailey thoughts of ending it are easier to handle..I have delt with this since I was thirteen and I am fifty two now so I have a long history of this..I wish you all the best and hope things look up for you.Check out the group therapy thing!!!