Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by QuadLazer, Jul 26, 2009.

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  1. QuadLazer

    QuadLazer Well-Known Member

    I don't know if any of you saw the thread in the uncertainity forum, but basically this is what's been going on...

    I currently have a plan to end my own life. I know the what's and where's, just still working on the when part of it. I have tried to do this before, once when I was 16. Obviously, I was not successful.

    Even though I really, really don't want it- I probably need some help at this time. I don't really feel depressed- I don't know what I feel like anymore. Things are going reasonably well in life right now, I've just lost what interest I had in living.

    Now I'm sure a lot of you are thinking the best thing to do would be to talk to a couselor, get on medication, go to a hospital, call a hotline, something- but here's two problems with that:

    1. Everything I listed has already been tried on several different occassions. I've seen probably around ten or so different counselors, and about half as many doctors. I've been drugged up on so much different shit, it's not even funny. I've gone to the hospital four times now. I've called suicide hotlines/information lines quite a number of times.

    One thing that all of these have in common- the fact that they did not help. In some cases, like the medication or the hotline, they, in fact, made things much worse.

    2. IF I went to get help. Say I tell myself things have gone too far and I go to someone and tell them I have a plan to kill myself- what will they do? More than likely, I'll go back to the hospital. IF THIS HAPPENS: I'd lose my job, I'd have to quit school (which I'm paying out the ass for), no one would be able to pay for it (I'm not medically insured), and worst of all I'd be out of a home because the family I live with already told me that they would not have things like this going on in their house.

    I honestly probably do need to be in a hospital right now, not because I want to, but just because it's the safest thing... FOR THE MOMENT. Sure it would put me in a safe place for the time being, but just how safe will I be when I get out? With no home? With no job?

    So, basically, this thread is a "I don't know what to do" thread. Because it's true. I don't. I'm fucked either way I go. Sure, I could just choose not to go the hospital and continue what I'm doing, but eventually I'll probably kill myself.
  2. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Wow - I don't have any solid answers....Losing interest in living, Why?

    Yeah - In my opinion, you do need action of some kind....this apathetic kinda feeling is horrible. NOT suicidal action!!!!!

    Could you take a "vacation" and find a sliding scale type of mental health counseling group or facility? That way you keep your job and do this incognito....just a suggestion. I know we have the sliding scale facilities here in my area of the US -

    When you've had so many counselors that didn't work it is next to impossible to give another a chance. I went through a large number of them before finding a good match. He says most are "idiots" (technical term) But they just couldn't "get" me and I could read them better than they could read me.

    What are your issues besides wanting to die? (isn't that enough?) You sound quite organized....
    Maybe if you look up whatever is bugging you the most, you will find a solution. Try going to a PHD type with expertise in your area rather than a MS in counseling... Ultimately it is you that does the work - not the counselor or therapist.

    I've rambled enough - just want to say - DON'T! Give it another day and then another and then another and look for different solutions - excercise on a daily basis helps some, art, writing..... Look for a purpose to keep going - you have something to contribute to this world...find out what!
  3. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: just thought i'd say i'm here for you if you ever need anything, anyone to talk to or something :smile: xx
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Same goes for me :)

    I'm always around if you need to talk,I hope things improve for you soon :arms:
  5. QuadLazer

    QuadLazer Well-Known Member

    I do currently have a therapist, but I've only seen them once so far. They thankfully didn't ask me about anything related to suicide during the first appointment, and I have another one next month. I actually got out of the hospital not too long ago (a couple months maybe?). It's just, it doesn't take a genius to know that if you tell a therapist, doctor, whoever that you have a plan like this- they're GOING to put you in a hospital come hell or high water, even if it requires calling the cops. That's what they are trained to do. And I just can't afford that at this time in life. Yeah, I probably do need it, but you know I need a home more. I need to work more. I need to stay in school more. The simple reality is that these things (especially keeping a job) come first in line in life and everything else is just secondary, even things like this that may others would think should be really important. Yeah, it's unfortunate and like I said, I can guarantee I'd be safer in a hospital, but tough shit, you know?

    When I told the people at the hospital that I was worried about follow-up with a job, they kept reassuring me like "What's the big deal? People work and get treatment everyday." And, you know something, that's one of the biggest loads of bullshit I've heard in years. As soon as I got finished with the outpatient program, I got myself a job and cancelled SEVEN APPOINTMENTS IN A ROW (all within probably a two month time span) due to my work schedule. These were mostly therapy appointments, but I think two of them were with my doctor. I even called the hospital and told them this, just to kinda scare them, but there wasn't really any point in it.

    As for why I've lost interest in life, I really wish I had a straight answer for that one. Otherwise, I wouldn't be posting here to begin with.
  6. QuadLazer

    QuadLazer Well-Known Member

    So... any other ideas?

  7. QuadLazer

    QuadLazer Well-Known Member

    Please? I'm getting really desperate... I don't want things to get worse before something gets done about it.
  8. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Tell your therapist - be honest....that is what they are there for...

    So, they might want to put you in a hospital, or they might help you stay out...especially if you aren't an immediate threat to yourself. Are you?

    I just told my therapist not an hour ago that I wanted to kill myself - I was and have been in a horrible placeall week....He helped me identify the why and throw out the how.....

    He didn't hospitalize me - but he did tell me to be kinder to myself and to call him more often....

    Find a therapist that can see you off hours so that you can maintain your work schedule, that is what I did - it takes looking, but they do exist.
  9. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    they should have asked you about suicide
    .Mine did.I was honest and I hope you would be too...your job and everything you want to hold onto?..what does it matter if you get so bad you go through with it? Life comes first..then everything else.
  10. QuadLazer

    QuadLazer Well-Known Member

    But who is to say it will get that bad? You're making that assumption.

    If I go to a hospital, it will get worse. I've already listed everything I'd lose, ON TOP of the fact that I've already been FOUR TIMES in the past two years. What makes you think going to someone, telling them I have a plan, getting put in the hospital for the FIFTH time, and LOSING what I have in life is going to help???

  11. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I feel that there is a battle going on inside you....I'm sorry the struggle is so intense

    I hope things get better - sounds like you need to make the move to find help that you can accept - on your terms....

    Take care of yourself and don't quit looking for a way out - there is one and it isn't death....
  12. QuadLazer

    QuadLazer Well-Known Member

    Well, just as an update, things haven't changed at all. I'm still working on a time to execute this and I'm thinking the end of this month, possibly the beginning of Sept. just so I can get some things squared away and also so I can see if more efficient methods pass by me. I have an appointment with my new therapist on the 10th, and I suppose I may as well go to it even though I still think it's a waste of money...
  13. QuadLazer

    QuadLazer Well-Known Member

    I am so fucking sick of this.
  14. Pianocrazee

    Pianocrazee New Member

    I want you to write.

    I don't care what you write about.

    The only thing is you can't stop writing till you absolutely know you've finished what you need to say.

    I want you to go outside.

    Lay down.

    And just breath.

    Just. Breath.

    Fuck whatever is happening, going to happen, or already has.

    That doesn't matter.

    I'll do it with you.

    When you feel like it's only you on the planet...

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