52 years old. Been suicidal for over 30 years. It never got better

[jonsmith]

I notice a lot of young people post here. i am the ghost of christmas future. life never got better for me. i was a depressed young person and remained so till middle age. Was always a loner. still am. no friends left. no woman. job i dont like. alone on all holidays and every moment inbetween. i'll be alone. thanksgiving. christmas and new years i'll have to work. i drive limos so i am exposed to all the happy involved people while i am the antitthesis of them. feel like crying but i'm all cried out.

would appreciate it if someone would acknowledge my post as i am ignored by hummanity

 

[Dhanjot]

Hey Jonsmith,

Acknowledged. Hey, I'm kind of in the same boat as you. Difference is I have no job.

 

[jonsmith]

thanks dhan for the nod. in addition i failed at my attempts for preferred carrer choices which is why i'm stuck with a lonely, shitty job like mine. also i never got over my last relationship which ended 9 years ago. it was hardly a relationship, btw. more of a fling. it was very brief. it is common for loners to carry a torch because there is never anyone to replace the loss. i fail at every asperation iv had. is anyone else like this? btw, dhan, there are always crappy jobs out there if you're open to doing them

 

[Sadeyes]

Hi and I do know how you feel...for the holidays, we are starting a Caring Circle (See News and Announcements) to support all of us,send e-gifts to those that desire them, and to let everyone know that they count...my PM box is always open if any time you want a reminder that you are acknowledged and very much wanted here

 

[JmpMster]

Hey Jonsmith - glad you stopped in to see us. Many things we cannot change about ourselves and our lives, but some we certainly can. By posting here you may have started some small change for yourself - the opportunity to interact and converse with people that have more in common with you then those you see at your job as an example. Keep posting, put some of those years of experience to work in offering a tidbit of advice if you see a way to help somebody on here- stop into the chat room and say hello if so inclined, send me a private message if you want... no need to hide around here..

Take Care and Be safe

Ben

 

[Brighid Moon]

Hey, Jon, I understand totally. At 47 I've fought depression and suicidality (did I just make up a new word?) for 40 years. It does seem to go on interminably, but you just keep fighting. I've spent countless holidays and birthdays alone (many of them living on the street). They can really be the worst. But even before that, they were bad, when I was a child. So I pretty well have this love/hate relationship with them. I've learned that its not that I want to die, its that I want things to either stop, or change. That's been my lesson. That, and I don't have to listen to the voice in my brain that drones on and on the same old tapes. I just let it drone, and don't act on it, any longer. I let myself feel the emotions behind it all, so that they're validated, and then just keep going. Not that its easy, and not that it isn't frustrating or depressing. I gave up on relationships when I realized I don't pick well, and yes, the little tiny voice inside also tells me that no one will ever love me, for myself. Its probably not true, but its there, and has been validated numerous enough times for me to not argue with it any more. So, while being a hopeless romantic, I have destined myself to just be alone, and have learned to deal with it. All those happy people out there? The ones you deal with on a daily basis? Perhaps they're not so happy, either. I think everyone has their troubles. Sometimes I sit back and look at those people and wonder what their's are, or what their secrets are inside. Or perhaps they're just shallow. There are a lot of shallow people in this world, who can be happy because they're ignorant about things going on around them (purposefully or not). Anyhow, this got long, and all I meant to say is,

You're Not Alone.

:hug:

 

[Petal]

Hi there, the holidays can be a very low moment when you feel you have no-one especially with a job driving limos and seeing all the 'party' people, maybe even weddings etc.. I can understand how that would make someone feel over whelmed. Just know you can post here any time, and you will not be ignored.

 

[WildCherry]

Just replying so that you know we care. :hug: I hope you'll continue to reach out here... I know it's not the same as having someone in person, but it's a start, a way to connect with other people and feel less alone. My PM box is always open if you ever want to talk.

 

[sadhart]

I just want to say, I'm sorry that life hasn't been great for you. Age doesn't matter....you're human like the rest of us, and may be this is hypocritical of me but I think you still have something to live for. Perhaps there are some social groups in your area that may make the holidays less lonely? Sorry if I said any of this wrong. Take care.

 

[jonsmith]

thanks for the comments. i should add my mother and brother commited suicide so it is a very real thing in my family. i cannot do it because i have a younger sister. and i would never hurt her like that.........found out i have to work thanksgiving. just as well. no where to go and nothing to do. finally an entrpenurial project ive been working on for some time just crashed and burned. i fail at everything

 

[jonsmith]

just feel like venting. i stopped myself tonight from driving by the home of the woman i mentioned in one of my previous posts. she lives only a mile from me so the oppertunity is constant. ironically i pass her intersection on a daily basis on my limo route. i always crane my neck as i pass by wondering if her car might be approaching at that instant. My day off was today so tonight (a little while ago) i drove to the intersection but could not bring myself to turn down her street.. no matter what i might see or not see would upset me. Her car in the drive way, not in the drive way, another car parked in front of her house, her lights on, not on. the list is endless. i decided it would just be too painful no matter what and turned the car around and went home

as i said, the other day my entrepenurial project collapsed after a long, long period of effort and work. nothing good ever occurs in my life. have to work tommorow. i hate it. someone said all those affluent people may not be happy but nothing is worse than a solitary life with zero interaction. sorry for all the self pity but i have no one to confide in or vent to. the few friends i had are gone

 

[WildCherry]

Please don't apologize, you can post here and vent anytime. Someone will always be listening.

I think you did the right thing by not stopping at her house. The last thing you need is more pain. :hug: Please keep reaching out here, it can be a place where people find comfort and friendship, something to ease the loneliness.

 

[jonsmith]

i continue to be tempted to roll by her house. But everytime i approach her intersection i can never bring myself to turn down her street. As much as i hope to catch a glimpse of her the thought of seeing her rattles me, terribly. a year ago she called me and invited me over. i had the flu at the time and had to pass. a week later when i was better she no longer wanted to see me. i was hoping to hear from her again but no luck.

This holiday period is the worst for me. like it is for us all

 

[DarkLordVader]

your telling my story mate, your not alone there

 

[Count Floyd]

Jon, I'm going to be 50 in a few months. I'm with you, buddy. The difference between folks that I see in here and you and I that I always point out is these young people still have potential for great things to happen. I feel at my age the potential for anything good to happen is nil. It sucks. I recognize I have those chemicals in my brain that make me feel this way, but what sucks is when you're older and you have it like us. Feel free to email me, we have stuff in common, you are not alone my friend. I like to come in here and talk to younger people and encourage them to keep going. It's a good thing.

 

[jonsmith]

Thanks fellas. It helps to know there are people who can relate to what i go through

 

[Count Floyd]

I think driving a limo might be kind of cool. At least you're not actually working with people. When you have these issues and work a regular job, it's actually harder. I wish I could get a job that I didn't have to be around people at all. Sometimes it's hard to just get out of bed.

 

[LillMy8989]

Ive been suicidal since I was 5 years old so I understand your problems. I want this hell to stop and take a rest but neither the devil is with me anymore (no satanist god damned)!
Being alone is making it worser so try keep yourself outside and take walks, meet some new people (try go to the library) for company, what I would do if I was stronger.

 

[WldHair]

Jon, I reiterate what everyone else is saying that you're not alone. I'll be 49 in two months. I've found that what makes me the most depressed is other people. In looking back at my life, I was my happiest at being alone. I'm married with a family and its funny, we're a bunch of misfits, even my kids, so we kind of stay banded together, but we realized long ago that we just don't fit with everyone. I've had numerous deal that I've liked crash and burn, and don't ask me what made me pick up and keep trying, but I did, even when I was feeling my worst. I know disappointment all too well, but somehow HOPE still finds me and I pick up and move on as if nothing happened. There was a time I wished I had friends and I do get envious when people talk about going out and doing things with friends, and today having Thanksgiving dinner at their friends and family. Because we're working on our house, we will be eating out. Part of me was angry about this because of how people can seem so braggy about their Thanksgiving plans. One thing about me was every year I cooked, I always looked for "strays" and those who were alone to share a meal with my family and each year managed to get blessed, and this year I can't do that. However, there's next year. But I think what I want to say is that I've learned to be comfortable in being a loner. I do have a few friends and coworkers and there's been times when I feel like people really annoy me and I can't wait to get home and be alone. I manage to hold on to one business that I have - it doesn't bring in a lot of money but enough to keep it going and I love to do it.

I hope you can find something like that where you can immerse yourself in something you enjoy like books, writing, building something. It's these projects that have given me joy. I'd let the other woman go, holding on to those feelings do nothing but just aggravate you more.

Good luck!

 

[stormfront]

Wow, Wldhair, you and I are so similar - I'm 49, married with two kids myself. My one child is exactly like me, a total misfit and we get along great together.

I'm very happy when everyone is out of the house. I enjoy my alone time. Like I had said in another thread, I'm married to a very pretty woman and on the outside we have a great marriage. But I'm truly unhappy. 22 years together and I'm realizing that maybe we just shouldn't be together. I'm having a hard time this year financially since she lost her job and had to take one half the salary. Now I'm FORCED to work overtime, as opposed to working it because I liked it. I'm $40,000 in debt, both my cars have over 150k miles and break down monthly, my college age daughter gives me guilt trips because I can't afford to pay her college - we have rich relatives that think nothing of giving their kids ipads, iphones, xbox, playstations - and here I am, scraping up enough money to buy my kid a pay-as-you-go phone. I'm living check to check and one slip and I fall off that cliff. I'm one major car repair away from total disaster.

When I think about the life insurance policy, the SS widow benefits my wife will get, and other insurances I have, it all seems so logical now. They stand to get no less than 250k in cash - that would pay off all the bills, college, house, and get everyone nice new cars so there is nothing to worry about. My wife can now afford the house without a mortgage or bill payment. My kid would now be set for college. With me out of the way, she'll be able to find another guy who would be a better providing husband, not the anxious, depressed wreck she's married to now.

Edit to add: Oh yeah, its not getting any easier getting older. I'm 49, and I feel it more and more. I work in a very physically demanding job and the bones and joints hurt more and more each year. I'm going to the doctor more, things hurt easier now, I'm on 3 different meds now to control various ailments and I'll likely be on more in the next 5 years. I work with a lot of seniors and I see how bad it can get. I envision a future of canes, wheelchairs, prostate issues - you name it, I'll get it. I get winded just walking the dog now - seeing those younger than me blazing past me running just adds to my depression.