There are many people who post in the crisis forum, and most, if not all of them, are more worthy of concern and sympathy than my own. So why start a diary thread? Well, in my life this is a major event. It also speaks to my illness, and what illness drives you to, along with the fear of what triggers an episode of depression. First a little about myself. I was, supposedly, a normal functioning human being for 50 years. I'm married, and my wife is from foreign lands (non-Europe). I am in the UK. The relevance of my wife being from outside the UK is that she has "no recourse to public funds". Meaning she can get no assistance here. This is important a little later. I was working away, and doing okay. However, my drinking (alcohol) was gaining ground. So much so that it became a problem. This resulted in full blown depression, diagnosed as "Acute Depression". I couldn't work. My doctor has been terrific, and after 9 months or so he found a medication regimen which helped a lot. At times I was suicidal, and I don't want to hide that. I self-harmed, I planned my end. I continued to drink initially. Then something terrific happened. Once the doctor had hit upon a drug regimen that made me feel better - I lost my taste for alcohol. What I mean is, the desire to have a drink, to be drunk, just completely went away. So weird, but it feels like it was over night. I just wasn't interested, and it has been that way for coming on two years. Alcohol plays no part in my life now. The depression is permanent. I am on social assistance right now. Since my wife is non-EU, she is not entitled to any help. Therefore, we get by on single person's allowance (which is an impossibility and involves things getting left behind, but two people cannot live in one persons money without great sacrifice.) Our housing is a private rental. A flat (or apartment in US parlance). The social system here is such that the rent is mostly paid by the government. They have limits on how much they will pay for a person's rent, and since my claim is for a single person, the limit is how much they'd pay a single person. Still, we found this place, and it's been 7 years of living here. Yesterday we found out we had 60 days to get out, since the owner wants to sell. It goes without saying that we have no money in reserve. Zero. Nothing. Worse, we have dogs, and people hate to rent to dogs. There is some social housing, but we tried to get some before and were basically told that it all went to families with kids. We don't have any children. In effect, social housing is out. Normal rental procedure here is to pay 6 weeks rent up front, it'll likely be 8 weeks with the dogs. My health is such that it's unlikely I'll be able to move myself. Up until 6 months ago I couldn't walk more than 100 yards. I'm actually a bit healthier in that regard, but I'm not going to be able to move home. As I say, most people here have terrible problems, and mine seems minor in comparison. I know that. I have some great fears. Firstly, I'll be homeless. Secondly, my depression. I've learned over my years of treatment that you don't cure depression - you manage it. For me I call it "Dark clouds amassing on the horizon". I can feel it coming, almost see it. My extreme anxiety has never been addressed medically. This situation may trigger a depressive episode, and when I go down I really go down. As I said, suicidal thoughts became part of my life. I am NOT feeling that way now, I'm sort of preparing myself for the worst. I will try to keep this thread as a diary of the countdown of days. If I miss days and events, then I hope you understand - if a depressive episode kicks in, I won't be writing. I love life, I love my wife, and God knows I wish I had gotten treatment many moons ago. Now thrust into uncertainty, with no clear path to resolution, I have to find my way without a map. Maybe writing this thread will help. And maybe this thread is just too long, and too much to read. I understand that. But I'll use it, if for nothing else, for selfish reasons, and to leave a record of what happens to people all the time, all over the world, when some decision someone they don't know makes, directly impacts on the feelings and wellness of others. Today is day 59.