Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by morning rush, Jan 1, 2010.

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  1. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I feel so alone, so lost...I listen to my friend tell her great christmas and all her gifts... and to see how many friends she has...I got nothing, I'm alone...she's managed to go back to school and is working to be someone...

    I'm no one, I suck, I barely go out, and I think I'm starting not to want to get out of that slump...its almost as if I've given up...I failed...might as well end it...

    the new year is here, and I feel the same if not worse than I felt in 2009...I want to crawl into a hole and die...
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi, I am sorry you are feeling so sad but please know you are not alone. I am here for you and I truly care. I wish I knew you better so I could provide more comfort but as it is we have the common bond of hurting unbearably inside, which is enough for me to reach out but not really enough to know what to say.
    Please feel free to PM me and/or continue posting we all care for you here and want to help you during this time of intense pain you are having.
    Do you mind sharing more about yourself...if not here then in PM...we all have been there and/or are there right now.
    You are not alone as you have me however pathetic that may be I am sincere.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey your not alone i am here too if you want to talk Sorry your feeling so down but here you can talk with anybody they truly care. Hang in there okay.:hugtackles:
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I just want to cry...its not fair...why can't I care about myself, why is everything such a damn effort...and its so hard just to get myself to go out that it wipes me out completely...I dont have the energy to fight anymore...I'm so tired...so annoyed...and no one seems to notice, no one seems to help me...maybe I dont want help so people sense it I dunno...I've given up...

    there's no reason for me to be alive, no reason...all I'm doing is causing grief to my family...all I'm doing is living off the goverment...I'm a lump of flesh that shouldnt exist...I'm a waste of space...doesnt matter if I was dead...sure a few people would cry, but they would eventually forget about me and move on...and in the long run, it would be better for everyone...

    no one really wants me alive anyway...
  5. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I have to dispute that last sentence - there's at least three of us who want you alive, Kyo, Yuki and me!

    You know, there are times when I'm feeling so bad it feels like I'm radiating need from every part of me, and I wonder how come no-one seems to notice, and if someone does actually ask me if I'm ok do I want talk I want to yell NO I DON'T WANT TO TALK I WANT YOU TO GET INSIDE MY HEAD AND MINDREAD AND TELL ME EXACTLY THE RIGHT THNGS I NEED TO HEAR and I find myself getting really resentful and defensive and want to bite their head off because the more I need someone to be there the angrier I get that they don't seem to understand that.

    Ok not quite sure why I posted that, I think it's because I sense in your words that somewhere along with the pain and isolation you are feeling angry too - angry that your pain isn't noticed even though it's so obvious, angry in a hurt defensive way that only makes you feel like withdrawing even more (I could be totally wrong here, it's just what reading your words sparked in me.)

    I suppose what I'm trying to say is that the times you curl up in a ball because the pain is so great, those are the times you actually need to uncurl and reach out - maybe you could talk here some more about how you're feeling and why, let yourself be understood? :hug:
  6. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    wow...thats what im doing & im always Angry...you just got it.
  7. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    true, my babies want me alive...but what good am I if I'm not happy...doesn't that transpire to the piggies? Wouldnt they be better off with a better owner?

    today I'm up and all I feel like is sleeping forever...I wish we had an internal life switch that I could turn off when I want to die...it be so easier that way...just turn it off, prepare everyone before hand and making sure all my stuff is in order and then just die...end the misery...

    I'm so alone...no one is there...my mom is here and It's like everything is alright but its not...all I think about is death right now...

    maybe if I pierce through my wrist, and put my hand in a bucket so the blood doesnt dirty the appartment...that way I would get sleepy and numb before diying...
  8. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. And I feel helpless because I can't find a way of reaching you - all I can think of is your little piggies and how much you care about them and that that shows so much how good a person you are, that you deserve to be happy, to have someone care about you like you care about them. In a funny kind of way, they care about you too - might sound silly saying that about animals, but it's true. Please don't give up, you're a good person, don't withdraw, stay and talk some more.
  9. brokendoll83

    brokendoll83 Active Member

    My kitty helps me. She knows when i feel down. Animals are a great help.
  10. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I know my babies care...they like to cuddle and give licks...I love my babies...I would be sad to leave them...their about the only reason why I'm still alive, I know that sounds pathetic but its true...I dread when they will die, sometimes I have nightmares I'm so worried...I really am a loser...

    I still feel miserable...but a bit less angry.....

    your right about the anger...I am a really angry person...angry at how I'm dissmissed so easily...that everyone knows the problem but no one does anything...I'm angry at so many things...and I hate being angry, it reminds me too much of my dad and I dont want to be like him...I just dont know what to think anymore....
  11. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    :hug: alot of what you have posted i can relate to, and i can almost say you are describing me and some places you were describing just how i feel, so if u ever want to talk some more about it dont be affraid to wrtie me a PM, please remember you are not alone and we care for u here, please post again soon :hug:
  12. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I sympathize with hating feeling angry - it's such a dangerous feeling, seems to make everything so much worse. And the fact that you've got a bad 'role model' of anger in your father, yeah I can see how that would make it ten times worse for you to accept that feeling angry is actually ok. Because I think anger is also a really important feeling, it's what puts you on your side, lets you fight for you.

    And hey the fact that your piggies keep you alive, that you would be devastated if they died, that doesn't make you a loser, rather the complete opposite!

    You're a good person, you're not a 'really angry person' you just FEEL angry. The two are not the same. :hug:
  13. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I know that being anger is a healthy emotion but there some part of me that keeps thinking its wrong...its that side of me that needs to be perfect, loving and caring all the time...in my family being wrong is very frowned upon, we must be right at all times....and so I kind of grew up miss perfect...anger wasn't proper, and my dad always told me it was impolite and disrespectful to be angry or not agree with what he said...

    I'm so messed up, its not funny....and I try so hard to fix it, to be someone beyond all that...to not judge and to respect others...but I'm not perfect and sometimes I just fall into bad habits...

    I'm just so tired of it all....
  14. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Just want you to know you've been heard, how hard things are for you now - and that you are cared about and accepted for who you are here. :hug:
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