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- Thread starter Sidewalk Slam
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I don't know.. there's a few reasons that have always stuck that I can't seem to deal with like a normal human being. The fact that everybody I love is going to die even though it's just life. The fact that animal abuse exists in this world and abuse/neglect/conning of the elderly. Those are the three (yeah, for some reason those specific three) main three reasons. They just get to me so horribly bad is debilitating.. Every day. Every day I think about at least one of them and cry. For years. Of course there's other things. Currently I'm frustrated about getting into community college. I just realized I have to wait another four months to get in due to getting financial aid.. but see, waiting is something I can't do like a normal human being either. 4 months to me is 40 years. The only thing I had to look forward to was school and I just don't think I can survive four more months of waiting. Waiting to me is like torture. Don't take that lightly, waiting to me is REALLY a suicidal trigger for some reason. Along with all the other crap.
Also, my boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately which I can handle.. and he's a sweetheart don't get me wrong.. but I stopped taking citalopram because I wasn't taking it faithfully anyway and it's not even prescribed to me, it's my moms.. anyway he's been yelling at me while were fighting things along the lines of - "You need to be on meds." "You have a split personality" (I don't, and I'm sure he doesn't mean that literally. I think he means bipolar by it.) "You need to be institutionalized." I know he says these out of anger but for some reason it feels like the worst things he could say to me. I think it's because it's a sensitive area for me. Nobody realizes how completely fucked-up-out-of-my-fucking-head depressed I am, including him. I haven't been able to talk about it for a couple of years now.
I'm 20 now.. and I hoped it was a teenage hormone thing.. but as the years go by.. it just gets worse. I don't think it's a phase. I think I need help, but nobody else seems to think I do.
Also, my boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately which I can handle.. and he's a sweetheart don't get me wrong.. but I stopped taking citalopram because I wasn't taking it faithfully anyway and it's not even prescribed to me, it's my moms.. anyway he's been yelling at me while were fighting things along the lines of - "You need to be on meds." "You have a split personality" (I don't, and I'm sure he doesn't mean that literally. I think he means bipolar by it.) "You need to be institutionalized." I know he says these out of anger but for some reason it feels like the worst things he could say to me. I think it's because it's a sensitive area for me. Nobody realizes how completely fucked-up-out-of-my-fucking-head depressed I am, including him. I haven't been able to talk about it for a couple of years now.
I'm 20 now.. and I hoped it was a teenage hormone thing.. but as the years go by.. it just gets worse. I don't think it's a phase. I think I need help, but nobody else seems to think I do.
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Not sure by your post so gonna ask. Do you have a therapist or pdoc or go for any counselling? If you dont and you are using your mom's meds, might be a good idea to find some professional help. They might be able to find a med that works much better for you and be able to figure out what mental health issues you are struggling with.
Another good thing is a support group. Great place to be able to really talk about your thoughts and feelings among others that really understand. Sort of like being here but able to put faces to the advice. Might help to lift the tension between you and the bf. If you find it helpful and are comfortable with the idea you might even want to bring him once or twice so that he sees that what you are dealing with is REAL and a lot of other REAL people are going through the same thing.
And of course you always have here to find support for those times when there is no one else around that you can talk to.
I dont think the suicidal thoughts ever leave. But I know a lot of people that have learned ways to keep them buried away well enough that they dont control their thoughts or lives. Another good reason to see a therapist or support group. Get some new coping methods to use. I hope that you can find some help. You are young and deserve to live a good life and not one always haunted by fear and thoughts of suicide. :arms:
Another good thing is a support group. Great place to be able to really talk about your thoughts and feelings among others that really understand. Sort of like being here but able to put faces to the advice. Might help to lift the tension between you and the bf. If you find it helpful and are comfortable with the idea you might even want to bring him once or twice so that he sees that what you are dealing with is REAL and a lot of other REAL people are going through the same thing.
And of course you always have here to find support for those times when there is no one else around that you can talk to.
I dont think the suicidal thoughts ever leave. But I know a lot of people that have learned ways to keep them buried away well enough that they dont control their thoughts or lives. Another good reason to see a therapist or support group. Get some new coping methods to use. I hope that you can find some help. You are young and deserve to live a good life and not one always haunted by fear and thoughts of suicide. :arms:
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