6 months ago I was on here, I'm back, but not for long...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ryanglander, Jan 7, 2010.

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  1. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    2 years ago I started feeling sad. 1.5 Years ago I started thinking about suicide. Last year I started reading about methods. 6 months ago I chose one and gathered all of the materials and tried to kill myself. What went wrong? I couldn't do it, I was afraid, but my state of mind now is much more different, and I'm ready and heres why.

    Is it not possible there are hopeless situations out there?
    Is it not possible? I think it is possible. Here I sit thinking about death. I've done enough thinking, I just found out I'll have the house to myself next week and for a long time.

    I'm going to get the equipment I need to kill myself.

    Its hard to say just in a few words why and how a situation becomes hopeless, but I can it.

    My dad is dead. My mom is a cruel, valueless, bitch that only cares about me if it makes herself feel good. Shes also a little crazy. My brother is worse, he is a nonviolent psychopath.

    I have no friends. I have no other family I feel comfortable talking too. I have no one I can trust. I'm glad I don't, if things weren't so bad I would be this suicidal.

    I not only do not have anyone to talk to, but have anger over past and recent wrongs towards myself. I'm not talking about petty things, I'm talking about my brother smiling while seeing the rope I was going to hang myself - that was the worst thing, I think. But its constant terrible harassment done in suttle ways so that if I tell anyone they would think I'm nuts (unless I wrote like a 10 page paper on how he is being suttle). But you know what, that won't change anything. I told my mom a while ago how my brother was hurting me, and she told me to deal with it, and smirked at me.

    These events are not isolated, there patterns of the unstable, cruel, and psycho environment that I live in.

    So the solution would be to move far away. Fine, but then I have no one. And if you don't have family or friends life isn't worth a damn. I'm not going to be posting on here next week (I find writing on here helps stop me from doing it).

    Is anyone else here completely alone? I mean not having someone to talk to at all? I mean that if you try to tell someone they will not just listen but scream and or cry for just telling what your upset about. I never told anyone I'm suicidal, and I'm glad because no one will know and know one can me.

    In the event (which I don't think is possible as I've cleaned my tracks very well) that my family should find out about this name ryanglander - this decision of mine to die is of no ones fault. As I was depressed before dad got sick, and I was already down this road, in summary I blame no one for my actions, in the long-run people's mistakes will punish themselves.
  2. serena

    serena Well-Known Member

    Hey. I'm truly sorry about all of this it SUCKS. I'm sorry you lost your dad too that must have been really hard and I bet it still is. Many times I see suicide as the best option but I've been able to keep postponing it. One thing that helps me is just setting small goals for myself like "I'll wait one week." Or even just 24 hours. How old are you? I'm 18 but I only ask because it can make a difference. If your under 18, it is only a few more years of hell before you can have control and do what you want with your life (by that I mean positive choices.) You'll be able to get your own place and move wherever in the country you want and just completely restart. I don't know what school or your life is like, but if you were considering college don't feel pressured. There is so much you can do with your life-- take a few classes, get a job, meet new people, etc. It sounds like you've never gotten the chance to talk to a therapist or anything like that so you must be very strong to make it this far. I know you said that you just want to scream, ad feel free to do anything along those lines while you have the house to yourself. It isn't my decision to make whether or not you attempt suicide, but I think you should at least give it sometime. You can always do it later. If you haven't tried therapy, you should figure out some way you can at least try it. It may take a while for it to work or for you to find someone you actually like, but it is worth a try. If you do end up trying it, give each person you try at least 4 sessions (unless you decide they are absolutely crazy and do more harm than good for you right away.) I know personally I do much better with young people than old people. For some reason I can not get along with any therapist over 40 so that's always one of my criterion. Another thing that might help you now is just making a list of anything you can think of that might be worth living for. For example, some things on my list include traveling to Fiji or somewhere similar, watching upcoming episodes of my favorite TV series, making a difference somewhere like traveling to a foreign country to participate in one of those programs where you get to volunteer at an orphanage, having sex haha, and possibly getting married or things like that. I even just look forward to things like partying in college. Honestly when your suicidal, you can pretty much look forward to doing whatever you want no matter how reckless.

    Hopefully this might help you rethink things even the tiniest bit. The last idea I want to mention is if you will have the house to yourself, as an alternative to suicide make it a mini vacation for yourself. You won't have to deal with any of your family crap and you can just try and relax and recuperate in peace.

    Sorry if anything I said pissed you off I really didn't mean any harm haha. Good luck and keep me posted I what is going on. I'll look at this post again next time I'm on. I hope you feel better soon. :smile:
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I really hope you change your mind. :hug: If you ever want to talk, or vent, or ANYTHING, you can PM me anytime. It doesn't have to end this way.
  4. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Thanks serena

    I plan not on posting here anymore, I've already mentioned why. But I think this will be my last post here, I may check this thread again but I will not respond, and within a week won't be able to respond.

    Thank you to the forum and everyone else for your time.

    Good bye,
  5. Ginger

    Ginger Member

    I'd hate to know that you still took your own life after we talked for so long last week. You even relieve some of my anxiety, and lessened the feeling that suicide is my only option. You helped me. Please don't go, because I'll miss you very much
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You said that posting on here stops you from doing it, which means there has to be a small part of you that might not want to do it. I really hope you come back here.
  7. asking_advice

    asking_advice Well-Known Member

    ryan, be strong :D pm me if you want to talk someone
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