2 years ago I started feeling sad. 1.5 Years ago I started thinking about suicide. Last year I started reading about methods. 6 months ago I chose one and gathered all of the materials and tried to kill myself. What went wrong? I couldn't do it, I was afraid, but my state of mind now is much more different, and I'm ready and heres why. Is it not possible there are hopeless situations out there? Is it not possible? I think it is possible. Here I sit thinking about death. I've done enough thinking, I just found out I'll have the house to myself next week and for a long time. I'm going to get the equipment I need to kill myself. Its hard to say just in a few words why and how a situation becomes hopeless, but I can it. My dad is dead. My mom is a cruel, valueless, bitch that only cares about me if it makes herself feel good. Shes also a little crazy. My brother is worse, he is a nonviolent psychopath. I have no friends. I have no other family I feel comfortable talking too. I have no one I can trust. I'm glad I don't, if things weren't so bad I would be this suicidal. I not only do not have anyone to talk to, but have anger over past and recent wrongs towards myself. I'm not talking about petty things, I'm talking about my brother smiling while seeing the rope I was going to hang myself - that was the worst thing, I think. But its constant terrible harassment done in suttle ways so that if I tell anyone they would think I'm nuts (unless I wrote like a 10 page paper on how he is being suttle). But you know what, that won't change anything. I told my mom a while ago how my brother was hurting me, and she told me to deal with it, and smirked at me. These events are not isolated, there patterns of the unstable, cruel, and psycho environment that I live in. So the solution would be to move far away. Fine, but then I have no one. And if you don't have family or friends life isn't worth a damn. I'm not going to be posting on here next week (I find writing on here helps stop me from doing it). Is anyone else here completely alone? I mean not having someone to talk to at all? I mean that if you try to tell someone they will not just listen but scream and or cry for just telling what your upset about. I never told anyone I'm suicidal, and I'm glad because no one will know and know one can me. In the event (which I don't think is possible as I've cleaned my tracks very well) that my family should find out about this name ryanglander - this decision of mine to die is of no ones fault. As I was depressed before dad got sick, and I was already down this road, in summary I blame no one for my actions, in the long-run people's mistakes will punish themselves.