6 years ago

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by asking_advice, Dec 21, 2010.

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  1. asking_advice

    asking_advice Well-Known Member

    6 years ago i met random man from net and i lost my virginity to him. i was depress that time. i gave myself to him but it takes 4 hours before it happened because i didnt want to do it. i was scared what would happened after we had sex.

    back to the present time, everytime i feel suicidal. i want to meet someone and have sex before i kill myself. i read somewhere here that seems i used sex as a self-harm.

    this is my question. do you think was it a form of abuse? do you think my present reaction when im suicidal has connection in my past?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are going through this...often times we do something called revictimization...hurting ourselves so that we feel we have control over the hurt...I used to use sex to make sure I felt ashamed of myself, picking up total strangers in high class hotels and then waking up from my dissociations in time to feel like the lowest piece of garbage...dirty, screwed up and so unloveable that I had to f*** anyone...devoid of all caring about my health, drunk and thrown aware like a *****...I know this cycle well...J
  3. asking_advice

    asking_advice Well-Known Member

    exactly the reason why i want to do it. if i sleep with random stranger in net. i can say im garbage and dirty. it's easy to kill myself. i will search more about the revictimization. i want to overcome this thinking.
  4. damage.case

    damage.case Well-Known Member

    Why does sex with a stranger make you feel like dirty garbage?
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