6 years ago i met random man from net and i lost my virginity to him. i was depress that time. i gave myself to him but it takes 4 hours before it happened because i didnt want to do it. i was scared what would happened after we had sex. back to the present time, everytime i feel suicidal. i want to meet someone and have sex before i kill myself. i read somewhere here that seems i used sex as a self-harm. this is my question. do you think was it a form of abuse? do you think my present reaction when im suicidal has connection in my past?