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6 years left of my pathetic little life? What should I do now?

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What the fuck am I doing? I don't think I fucking know. All I know is that I feel lonely as hell.

I'll save you the sob stories. I've only got myself to blame...

I am a strange person you see. I was tormented both in school and in my personal life, and now my head is messed up. I have never felt so alone and worthless in my life. I also need to deal with some conditions which I suffer, such as the Sadistic Personality Disorder, which I still need to fully diagnose properly even after I’ve had it for nearly 7 years.

Everyone who doesn't know me is either afraid of me or just plainly resents me.

My voice makes other afraid and my movements are silent. Most people won't raise their heads at me, while some challenge me. I throw harsh insults at them, but deep down I’m a coward who believes everything they say.
I am not afraid anymore of other people like I once was. Now, I’m afraid of myself. I've become a mess.

There are some 'good' things in life I have. For one, I’m an expert with computers. As in, I can hack pretty much any network pretty fast and my Social Engineering skills are top to none. I can also achieve constructive things with computers, such as creating some of the best security networks you'll ever see.

(I remember this one time I got so annoyed with my friend being infected with a Trojan Horse that I tracked down its source and sent its Chinese creators something to cry for :D)

There has been 2 people in my life that saw through my charade. For the purpose of security, I'll call them Sarah and Jess instead of using their real names.

Sarah told me that I was the nicest guy she ever saw, and that my "plan to pretend I’m evil" was ruined by the fact that I saved her from an emotional breakdown.

Then there is Jess. We still speak regularly today and I know for a fact she can see through me like a book.

Want to know a secret? I have a weakness! In fact, I have multiple weaknesses!

Want to know the first? I can't insult both Sarah and Jess the way I can with other people. Why you might say? I don't fucking know why, but its pissing me right off. Sure, I can throw insults at them easily, but not meaningful insults. Don't even say I care, because I don't...

In fact, let’s just skip the bullshit and move on to the reason I wrote this in the first place.

My weakness is that I’m afraid to love. I'm afraid to love myself and afraid to love others. I’m afraid of what my Personality Disorder is going to become and turn me into. I'm afraid that I’m going to truly hurt others as a result.

I'm nothing but a god forsaken coward, and I need to be shot! I'm sure there is a lot of people out there who would love to kill folk like me. Think about it:

I'm cruel, sadistic, unloved and un-able to love.
Better still, think about it this way:

I may have control over my sadistic personality now, but as time goes on my condition will most likely deteriate. Eventually I’ll lose control of myself and that’s when I will truly become dangerous. If you don't kill me now, I could be the person responsible for raping and murdering your wife, or your sister or your daughter...

I've set the timer for my life. Looking at my condition from a logical standing,

I say I have about another 6 years before I will start to lose control. That’s my deadline of death:

"00:55 13th June 2017"

I'm smart. I'll start the creation of my suicide machine tomorrow on my computer. I'll make a piece of hardware that will shoot me upon trigger of my computer program. At least that way I can kill myself by doing something which I was actually good at and worth something.
Tell me o' wise ones, what should I do in my six years of glorious ‘innocent’ life?


Banned Member
Im a little confused as to if you really expect an answer to that or if your sayin all this because you want help. I understand your fear to be in a relationship because of who and what you are. As much as you can say its bullshit the reason for that is selfless. You dont want to destroy someone you care about and you dont even want to open that door of careing about someone because your afraid you will lash out at them.

If I had to guess I would say you dont take complements well. I dont know much about your personality disorder but if you want an answer I would say for the next 6 years live as good a life as you can and be as good of a person as you can be. You have seen the other side- Why not experiance everything?


Well-Known Member
Hey NoMoreAnymore - quite a thoughtful suicide plan in giving yourself a specific date 6 years hence. I hope you don't do it of course - but I take you seriously and take you at face value. Bear in mind we are not face to face but everyone here is generally honest - after all when you feel depressed there is no notion to bother lying anymore.

I guess that is a good from a negative - I mean depression cuts out the bullshit in some ways - it gives you a chance to evaluate yourself again. Everyone needs this from time to time though obviously it would be better without wishing you were dead half the time.

As for you being 'strange' because you were bullied - set that notion to the rubbish bin were it belongs. It is the bullies who are/were the weak ones. School is horrible for some kids - but bullying in social circumstances - this could mean anything from kids congregating outside in gangs - to workplace bullying.

The main thing is to never let yourself become a victim in your mind. Some people are quiet in nature and shy. I've seen people like this bullied - but you have to have some assertiveness even if you are shy. This is a learnt process - sometimes we are 'set back' as children especially if bullied. Being assertive might bring more bullying for kids in schools overseen by cowardly head teachers and boards of governors. Schools get paid per head of pupil of attends. If 5 kids are bullying 1 kid - economics dictates we all put our head up our backside and pretend it is not happening. Shame on the teachers and pupils in such schools.

Being assertive as an adult is easier. I've never had a problem in that department - although if feeling down I'm less inclined. Even so - I find that standing up for yourself comes easier when you stand up for others also.

As for a sadistic personality - not 100% sure on that. Psychiatrists are like dentists - go to one its a filling - go to another, its 2 fillings and a cap. A third says just a polish and fourth might suggest removing wisdom teeth.

You suggest that your condition (as yet not really diagnosed) might make you hurt others - even to the point of committing crimes of a most abhorrent nature which I trust you know are morally reprehensible.

I do note that one of the ladies who saw through your mask actually stated you were putting on the evil as an act. Perhaps your fear of love makes you this way more than any actual disorder? Your "plan to pretend I’m evil" was sussed out by a woman who also told you that you were the nicest guy you have ever seen!

Maybe your like the TV character Dexter - the serial killer you love to actually kill! (he always kills those who have killed and will kill again)

Seriously though - I'm not sure you have this condition - I mean a sadist enjoys tormenting others. People with depression might use emotional abuse to drive people away - its all too easy to even turn against people who love you. I've seen this time and time again - especially mothers who take flak off sons or daughters stricken with depression, refusing help and taking things out on those nearest and dearest.

Please don't do this! The people around you that you try to drive away - they love you - but your depression twists that into 'interfering' and its easy to lash out verbally.

I also think you should count your luck brother. Two significant women, even if its in the past - that says something to you - no? And think about it logically - when your feeling a bit better in yourself - you will be wiser and not make past mistakes. Certainly you should vow NEVER to be sadistic towards any women. Bear in mind every man has the duality of good and evil there as a choice. If sadism is yours and you have recognised it and are disturbed by it, better that than being some dull man who would not even pause to consider morality as an issue.

Find some outlet for the pent up aggression which fuels sadism. Sadism will thrive on anger - a lot of negative mindsets and emotions thrive on anger. Doing something physical will help. Ask any man who has seriously undertaken exercise and all will say they have felt an improvement in the mind. Walking and/or jogging, get an old bicycle, spend some time outdoors if you are in or near the countryside.

It has to be said - spending more than 8 hours a day on a computer is not good for you. Then again - my computers are my TV, record player, recording studio, mixing desk, editing studio, movie editing studio, graphic design studio, word processing studio, library, shops, university and an alternative health service.

I've done some coding - worked with building computers, repairing them and so on. You sound like a talented guy - and my advice would be to turn those skills into certification. Collect certificates for a hobby for the meantime - because when your hard work pays off and you either land a job or design something yourself at home - you will be even more of a catch for the women!

Either way - leave the computer on downloading stuff - but do get out at least once per day if you do not work. In your case I'd say you need to be walking a few miles a day everyday. I done this a lot as a young man and I guess I was a bit sadistic as a boy and angry as a young man - but the 'night walking' made me feel fantastic as I'd easily walk a good 10 miles on a good night.

Later on I got a bicycle and again felt fantastic health wise and mentally the cobwebs were off - it was easier to think things through as the energy of the walk was a release for the anger and the stupid stuff we think about. You are left with a better kind of scenery in the mind - less clutter to trip you up.

Give it a try - walk five miles to ease you in - take water, a cigarette or two. Have a rest halfway through - usually sit down and smoke for me. A bottle of tap water has less bacteria and crap in than the stuff you might pay £1 for at a late night garage.

If you can make some device that can be controlled by a computer - that means you'd be able to voice control it - right? You might use the skills that your suicide would call for to be used in a more positive manner. The skills you would put into taking your own life - it would a kind of epiphany if you thought of something that might help people.

6 years is a long time - but it also passes quickly. The main thing is to become educated - because wise as some of us might be - the more we know, the more we learn, the older we grow, the more we realise that we have to set aside time that we just enjoy.

We need love we can share and for us to have the strength to care for those who have cared for us.

You come to a point were you realise that we have not got enough time to answer the questions we might have about life.

In the words of an old spiritual....

"Enjoy yourself - it's later than you think."

And make others enjoy themselves and your company also.

Good luck and try to enjoy life regardless. If you keep on thinking the worse will happen - then you'll miss a lot of life just thinking it will turn out badly.

Hope something can put the fire in your belly and some love in your heart and soul to balance it.

Regards and thanks for quite a thought provoking post.
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