6 years of my life left to live. What should I do with it?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NoMoreAnymore, Jun 13, 2011.

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  1. NoMoreAnymore

    NoMoreAnymore New Member

    What the fuck am I doing? I don't think I fucking know. All I know is that I feel lonely as hell.

    I'll save you the sob stories. I've only got myself to blame...

    I am a strange person you see. I was tormented both in school and in my personal life, and now my head is messed up. I have never felt so alone and worthless in my life. I also need to deal with some conditions which I suffer, such as the Sadistic Personality Disorder, which I still need to fully diagnose properly even after I’ve had it for nearly 7 years.

    Everyone who doesn't know me is either afraid of me or just plainly resents me. My voice makes other afraid and my movements are silent. Most people won't raise their heads at me, while some challenge me. I throw harsh insults at them, but deep down I’m a coward who believes everything they say.
    I am not afraid anymore of other people like I once was. Now, I’m afraid of myself. I've become a mess.

    There are some 'good' things in life I have. For one, I’m an expert with computers. As in, I can hack pretty much any network pretty fast and my Social Engineering skills are top to none. I can also achieve constructive things with computers, such as creating some of the best security networks you'll ever see.
    (I remember this one time I got so annoyed with my friend being infected with a Trojan Horse that I tracked down its source and sent its Chinese creators something to cry for :D)

    There has been 2 people in my life that saw through my charade. For the purpose of security, I'll call them Sarah and Jess instead of using their real names.
    Sarah told me that I was the nicest guy she ever saw, and that my "plan to pretend I’m evil" was ruined by the fact that I saved her from an emotional breakdown.
    Then there is Jess. We still speak regularly today and I know for a fact she can see through me like a book.

    Want to know a secret? I have a weakness! In fact, I have multiple weaknesses!
    Want to know the first? I can't insult both Sarah and Jess the way I can with other people. Why you might say? I don't fucking know why, but its pissing me right off. Sure, I can throw insults at them easily, but not meaningful insults. Don't even say I care, because I don't...

    In fact, let’s just skip the bullshit and move on to the reason I wrote this in the first place.

    My weakness is that I’m afraid to love. I'm afraid to love myself and afraid to love others. I’m afraid of what my Personality Disorder is going to become and turn me into.

    I'm afraid that I’m going to truly hurt others as a result.

    I'm nothing but a god forsaken coward, and I need to be shot! I'm sure there is a lot of people out there who would love to kill folk like me. Think about it: I'm cruel, sadistic, unloved and un-able to love.

    Better still, think about it this way:
    I may have control over my sadistic personality now, but as time goes on my condition will most likely deteriate. Eventually I’ll lose control of myself and that’s when I will truly become dangerous. If you don't kill me now, I could be the person responsible for raping and murdering your wife, or your sister or your daughter...
    I've set the timer for my life. Looking at my condition from a logical standing, I say I have about another 6 years before I will start to lose control. That’s my deadline of death:

    "00:55 13th June 2017"

    I'm smart. I'll start the creation of my suicide machine tomorrow on my computer. I'll make a piece of hardware that will shoot me upon trigger of my computer program. At least that way I can kill myself by doing something which I was actually good at and worth something.

    Tell me o' wise ones, what should I do in my six years of glorious ‘innocent’ life?
     
  2. marmite

    marmite Active Member

    I think that in thenext six years you should try very hard to find reasons to extend your life to the time it naturally comes to an end.
     
  3. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    It's always good to think about the future, but generally, it's so much better (and easier) to to find ways in which you can avoid such an unhappy ending such as the one you speak of.
    6 years time is still quite a ways off, and what with advances in medical technology growing rapidly ever year, why write yourself off on that one particular day, when 14 June 2017 could very well herald the introduction of a treatment that restores your vitality and zest for life?
     
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