6 years today

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by starlight2006, Apr 3, 2007.

  1. starlight2006

    starlight2006 Well-Known Member


    I dont really need to scream, just need to write.

    It's 6 years today since my teacher died. I know it can sound really trivial, but at the time it really affected me quite badly. It was the first time I had ever experienced death. I was 14 at the time. She had something wrong with her heart but she didnt know. She just collapsed and died - at school. It was less than an hour before I had a lesson with her. It was so surreal. When we went to our lesson, we had to walk past the staff room, the windows were blackened out because she was still in there. Some of our class were kept away, which meant my friends weren't in the lab with us, so I had to sit on my own. Her writing was still on the board and her coffee mug was still on the desk. I was sat near the door and could see everything that was going on.

    A teacher in the room the across the corridor had a class to deal with. But she kept leaving because she was so upset. I could see her crying. They even wheeled her body past. I also saw a paramedic leave, carrying a defribrillator (sp?). He looked right at me and it was something that haunted me for so long. Everytime there was an ambulance going past, i would see that guy. and the look in is eyes.

    It took a couple of years to get over properly. But this year, today, is a tuesday. She died on a tuesday. And its almost to the exact hour that she died. The past few days I have been suffering with the flashbacks. And it feels like it was only yesterday. Im not doing too badly, not crying or breaking down. Not hurting - just aching.

    I wanted to spend today home alone. But my mum has been really ill and is home from work. And ive got arguments going on with people too.

    My friend is also really ill at the moment. She was in hospital last week after having a fit. She has epilepsy, but it has been ok over the past few years, she even stopped taking meds for it. But now she is back on them. I have organising a trip to Alton Towers for mine and friends 21st. But it seems to be falling apart. Kat cant come because of how she is ill, and that is ok, i would never blame her for that. And my other good friend cant afford to come, and its not really her thing, which is cool too. And i know we wll still have a great time, it jst wont be us all together, which is a bit disappointing.

    And with all this going on, I feel terrible because i keep forgetting about wat day it is. I wanted to be alone so i woudlnt get distracted and could remember if that makes sense. I text kat who was also badly affected about it. I asked her how she was feeling about today. But i think she has forgotten (which isnt a bad thing). She has been really depressed. She just asked 'wat about today?'. I cant tell her because she I dont want to provoke something in her - like her being really bad. I dont want to make her feel guilty because she doesnt remeber, to be honest its good that she doesnt bcause its something she really doesnt need.

    Ive rambled on more that i intended. Have a ton of work to do, so will leave it there. Thank you for reading this huge post.

  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    That sounds so awful for you. I am so sorry that you had to deal with all that.

    You said that it took you a while to get over it, but to be honest, you don't sound as though you are over it. Have you considered bereavement counselling to help you? Or some sort of other therapy?

    Maybe it might help you to mark today somehow, by maybe writing ehr a letter and burning it (safely) and letting it fly away, or releasing a helium balloon, or release some flower petals into the wind or something. It sounds like you feel you need to signify today, so maybe you could do.

    It's ok that you have other things to do today. Wanting to remember is ok, but try not to overly dwell on it because that could be damaging to you.

    Anniversaries are always hard honey, I've been through my share of anniversaries of deaths. If you need to chat then feel free to PM me.

    Hang in there
  3. starlight2006

    starlight2006 Well-Known Member

    Thanks hun, I really appreciate that.

    I saw a teacher at school who was trained in counselling for a few weeks after it happened. And that helped alot. I don't feel I need any help with it, I really am over it all, Im actualy doing really good today. Quite positive.

    The idea of signifying today is good, I hadn't thought of that. I write to her mum every now and then and we always send easter cards to each other, so i made sure mine would have got there today. Jus so she knows I haven't forgotten. I like the idea of writing a letter to her. I might try that.

    Thanks for reading all that hun
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2007
  4. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni


    you know im here for you anytime x
  5. starlight2006

    starlight2006 Well-Known Member

    Thank you hunny xx
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I hope it helps.

    Hang in there, and I'm here if you need a chat
  7. starlight2006

    starlight2006 Well-Known Member

    I thought i would folllow on from this thread so I dont have to explain the background again. After she died, me and my friend wrote to her family alot. Today I got a letter from her mum that was really touching. She said she had found some photos of when we all planted the memorial garden at school. She said she thought of both me and my friend and has invited us to go back to the school on the anniversary in april with her and maybe some of her family. It will be 7 years and I havent been back to that school for 4 years. It will be strange. But it is something that i was thinking of doing anyway. To be with her family will be nice.

    It has renewed my motivation. At the moment I have been struggling with a shit load of work I have to do for uni. But on reading it, it jus made me realise how life is short, and how I would love to make her proud.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I think it would be a wonderful tribute to your teacher to go back and be with her family and visit the garden you helped to plant. You can celebrate her life together. :hug:
  9. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    That sound like good idea...
    And take care:hug:
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    That sounds like a truly tragic story starlight. I'm sorry for your loss. This is especially sad for me because I'm a teacher and something like this recently happened to a collegue of mine who was 58. If you know where your teacher was buried, then you could visit her tombstone and say a prayer for her or tell her how you feel. :hug: