60 yrs old. 1st offense domestic violence.. Maybe jail

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Sad and afraid, Aug 7, 2016.

  1. Am very scared.. Spouse pressed charges.. May lost job.. Go to jail.. 22 yr old daughter living at home ..
    My 2nd marriage of 22 yrs. don't want a divorce.. Need to get through this court hearing first.. have diabetes
    just sad and afraid
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I completely understand why you are sad and afraid. I really hope that you are getting some therapy and working on the issues that made you get violent. I am not going to write about how violence/assault is never okay because if you got to 60 without being violent, you know that. Can you tell us a bit about what was going on for you / in your life that made you snap like this?

    It is understandable if your wife wants a divorce - but perhaps it isn't a foregone conclusion. If you can get therapy and work on whatever the problem is - and maybe do some therapy together if she is open to it. Obviously if she has been married to you for 22 years and this is the 'first time' then she knows that this is not in character for you.

    What is your lawyer saying about the jail thing? How likely is it? What length of sentence?

    Talk to us. Nobody here is going to condone violence, but I am sure that everyone knows what it is like to make a horrifying mistake.
  3. I have reached out for legal counsel.. Arrested and charged last Friday.. 72 no contact law applied. Hope to hear from one of many attorneys I have left messages with. I will need to report this to my employer tomorrow. Not sure of outcome. My wife made a list of conditions which must be met, through my daughter if to continue this marriage.
    Right now my main fear and concern is going to jail.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, thanks for your message on my profile. I will reply here instead of in visitor messages,

    I am really sorry you are in this situation, instead of being in fear etc.. please seek some counselling and professional mental health help. Abuse is never OK, but not going to lecture you on that as you know already the damage that can be done. How high is the risk that you will be jailed? Do you have previous convictions (of course you don't have to answer that if you don't want to)? How is your relationship with your 22 year old daughter? If you come out of this okay I would highly recommend couples counselling and all the help you can get legally and professionally, I do wish you the best. I am terrified of ever going to jail, so naturally I stay out of harms way. I am really terrified of it so I am so sorry you are going through this now.
  5. I threw a paper cup of soda at her, and it struck her in the back. That was it. Relationship with daughter is strong. Never ever any prior convictions. My spouse sent my daughter ( don't know why) a list of conditions to meet if to continue marriage. I appears she tried to reverse charges, but in this state yiur can't. I must follow this thing through..
  6. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Okay well throwing a paper cup of soda at someone can't (surely) result in jail. Especially for a first offence. If your wife has conditions to be met, that means she doesn't want to divorce either - I am not saying you should necessarily agree to them but at least there is a possibility of opening a dialogue and working through this.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Glad you have a strong relationship with your daughter, that's brilliant. So sorry you are in this position. Do you think your employer will sack you without even a conviction?
    I honestly cannot express how sorry I feel for you. The thoughts of jail do seam bleak at best. You haven't mentioned if you are medicated or in therapy? Therapy and medications could help you a lot. Change your way of thinking, change your outlook on life although I do agree it's not in your hands at the moment. Please be safe and stay strong, build up your bond with your daughter even further. Are you agreeing to the conditions your wife has set?

  8. I threw a paper cup of soda at her, and it struck her in the back. That was it. Relationship with daughter is strong. Never ever any prior convictions. My spouse sent my daughter( don't know why) a list of conditions to meet if to continue marriage. I appears she tried to reverse charges, but in this state yiur can't. I must follow this thing through..

  9. Yes, will agree to conditions. I am on meds, constant pain from vehicle accident two years ago.. I just want to go home
    and start fresh...but this hearing scares me to death
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Glad you are going to agree to the conditions, it sounds like you could ome out of this on the bright side. I'm sure your wife wouldn't want to see her daughters dad go to jail for throwing a paper cup, thats just my opinion anyway, when is the hearing? Im with @Freya in thinking that throwing a paper cup won't likely end in a jail sentence, hope you get through okay and sorry to hear about your vehicle collision.
  11. Hearing in two weeks.. My daughter mentioned through prayer and thinking my wife will allow me home on Tuesday.
    Regardless. This hearing and everything else regarding my offense is going to happen
  12. I'm sorry .. She MAY allow me back home ..
  13. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hi, I am Mox

    First, are you feeling suicidal? If you are feeling suicidal please go to the nearest ER and get help. Nothing is worth losing your life over. Besides your daughter needs her father.

    You are feeling overwhelmed. Anyone would be feeling that way with everything you have going on. Our emotions exist to help us, to keep us safe. If you are not feeling suicidal maybe go to the ER anyway and get some medication to help calm you down. It will help you. I get the impression all of this is hitting you like wave after wave of thoughts and fears you have not had the opportunity to sit down with a lawyer and discuss realistic consequences not the worse case scenarios. You are obviously VERY stressed out and you don't know what to do. Our main goal at SF is keeping people that come to us SAFE. Besides your daughter do you have a support system you can lean on for help right now? Someone you can talk too or vent too?

    I understand where you are coming from. You are scared of a lot of things right now that are out of your control: your marriage being lost, losing your job, the upcoming hearing, possibility of jail time. Let us look at each one separately, I feel like right now you are feeling very overwhelmed and you need help separating each issue individually.

    Your marriage is undoubtedly on the rocks right now. I get the impression you are not a violent person. You just lost your temper for a second; and that is all it takes for bad things to happen. Taking Anger Management classes will help you. Couples counseling would definitely be needed. After a 22 year marriage there is probably a lot to work on but anything worthwhile takes work. Maybe individual counseling would also be good for both of you. The fact she tried to reverse the charges is a good sign. The fact that she has conditions for the marriage to move forward; means she is not giving up on you and is still trying to work things out with you. Losing your marriage is obviously something anyone does not want to see happen. The fact that you have a strong bond with your daughter shows what kind of man you are.

    Losing your job, right now that is out of your hands. I obviously do not know your work situation or workplace rules. I know that is a big stressor right now for you. But you have not been convicted of anything yet, maybe your lawyer can get your case dismissed. That will help you with your employer..

    The upcoming hearing is obviously a big stressor for you and I feel like your mind is just running wild with thoughts and worse case scenarios and that is why you are scared. You have not had a lawyer sit down with you and give you legal advice. Part of this is just bad luck, with all of this happening on a weekend and you are unable to talk to a lawyer is definitely not helping.

    The possibility of jail time. I seriously do not see you going to jail over what you have described to us. Again, talking to a lawyer would be immensely helpful.

    Take Care of Yourself We are here if you needs , don't be afraid to reach out to us
  14. Hi Mox,
    Thank you so much for responding to my letter, it appears my daughter has mentioned to me that after the 72 hour vehicle cool down. My wife is allowing me to return home on Tuesday evening as for my employer I work for the federal government and under a code of ethics I have to report this. I have reached out to a few lawyers and hoping for a return phone calls by the end of business day tomorrow. My wife made up a list of stipulations that I have to meet upon returning home a few of them I don't agree with one is resigning from my job/retiring second individual checking accounts third taking my first thought in a prior marriage out of her well and forth getting religious marriage counseling
    I intend to return home Tuesday evening and try to feel out the environment but intend not to do a whole lot of speaking to her about the situation and until the hearing. You are correct I am not a violent person this is my first offense in my life or I have been convicted of a crime . At this time I do not feel suicidal I just have no one to talk to know where to go and just unsure of the outcome of the legal process .
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  15. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    I'm sorry, but I did not understand this.

    I have worked for the federal government in the past. I have seen people keep their jobs after getting in trouble and reporting it. People that do not report it get fired. So I highly recommend you report to your chain of command when you return to work on Monday. I have a feeling you have the means to hire a good lawyer and that will result in a positive outcome of your case. Which will lead to a positive outcome with your employer. I don't feel like they will terminate you just for being charged with a crime. But you never know for certain with the federal government; office politics and such. If you are a member of a Union I would contact them as well. How long have you worked there? I feel like you need to know your rights in this situation with regards to your employment, talk to HR maybe?

    You "sound" better you. Your thoughts seem to be more organized and coherent. Which is great.

    Any idea why she wants you to stop working? Is your job dangerous or hazardous to your health? Is she wanting you to stop working so you two can more spend more time together? Or does she have something else in mind? Do you enjoy your job? Why do you want to keep working? (Is the question you have to answer for yourself)

    Any idea why she wants separate checking accounts?

    I agree with the counseling, do both you and your wife share the same religion? If not that could be an issue.

    I feel like not talking about happened for two weeks will just increase tension between her and you. If you are sorry for what you have done, then by all means tell her. Tell her how you feel. Tell her what her and the marriage means to you. If she is important to you and you still love her then tell her that. I just feel like ignoring it and pretending it did not happen for two weeks is the wrong way to go. Besides what if your case is delayed for some reason, it will just build and build and become toxic. Accept responsibility for what you have done. I would recommend strongly that you do not try to deflect any of the blame off of you and onto her. I was not there , I do not know what happened outside of your story of events Don't say I am sorry , but......You have to take ownership of what happened.

    Glad to see you are doing better.

    Take Care
  16. Moxie,,

    I work for the drug enforcement administration, my hours are I get up at two in the morning and don't get home till 430 walk in the house eat dinner go to bed and start all over again my job is not bad but I am up for retirement day anyway ,
    She wants separate bank account one for herself , One for me and one to pool the bills. I do in fact take ownership of what I did I do feel sorry for what I did but as I see it takes two people to tango . Yet I understand violence is not the answer .
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  17. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    ME again =)

    I worked for the bastard organization of the Federal Government, TSA

    Ok you sound open to the idea of retirement. I would recommend finding somewhere would you could volunteer at.

    The bank account situation is pretty normal nowadays , I know a lot of couples that have this same situation. The main thing is do you trust her? If trust her then it is not really a big deal.

    Ok, you are sounding a lot better.

    Take Care My Friend
  18. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Hey everyone makes mistakes. Lawyers are really good on reducing charges just saying good people can mess up now and then it was only the police following the law that mandated them even if it was something cheap like a paper cup to take you away to cool down the situation.

    Now let your lawyer explain the options to you and usually DAs are really good on getting lesser pleas to avoid unnecessary court time and probably can drop this all since its your first offense and put u on probation if that's the worse case but I'm not a legal expert. Legal system is slow for a good reason to give your lawyers a defense for yo.
  19. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hey Old Man,

    How are things going for you now? What all did you find out?

    take care