7 months all gone

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by horsie_gurl, May 10, 2007.

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  1. horsie_gurl

    horsie_gurl Member

    Its been 7 months since the last time i cut. I actually felt like everything was okay and i really didn't need to do that anymore. I really realized how dumb it was and pointless because the cuts dont heal anything. But this week has been hell. Every night i feel the stress of the day come crashing down on me and i get extremely irritable so that everytime someone talked to me i would lash out and yell. And then would break down in fits of crying and guilt from the way im acting and hate for myself. The next day i was usually able to hide those feelings and try to start fresh the next day. However, I actually went through two days so far of just walk in a mechanical haze. People talking to me just made me want to break down. I avoid people and tried to just focus on school. But then that night its like the weeks of this stress and crying and shit just got to me. Its like all at once i realized how i've been acting and how much stress i have been putting on myself for so long and i got this extreme hate for myself. i talked to someone about it but as usual they said im just stressing and need to relax. I dont know what more i was expecting. So instead i went to my room, turned on some peaceful symphony music and laid in bed regulating my breathing to keep calm and scratched 2 lines into my arm with a thumb tack. The music and breathing help me calm and to me the blood is like the stress trickling away. I had never slept better. The next day was just terrible though. I slipped back into guilt from what i had done and i have to hide it from my best friend. He is going through a tough time and i, being his support cant be weak.

    I just need to let this all out. So there.
  2. heavenlyjunkie

    heavenlyjunkie Active Member

    Aww, don't be so hard on yourself. Stressful times have that effect on people. And it's normal for former cutters to relapse once in awhile. I've been there, and it's best not to hate yourself. Understand that you're going through some shit, and that you did what you've learned is a way of coping with it. Not that it's okay to cut, but if you fall into old habits, you're not alone. You sound like you need some time for yourself. Do something good for yourself.

    And you can't hope to support others until you can support yourself. You need to be okay inside before you can effectively help others. It was very selfless of you to put your own needs aside for the sake of a friend though. :) I'm sure they want you to be happy too. And so do I. So hang in there, etc. ;)
  3. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    Seven months without cutting is an AWESOME acheivement... it isnt worth it to beat yourself up over it - its already happened. Maybe instead, try and make those seven months become seven months and a week? its all in baby steps. :hug:

    Look after yourself, TDM
  4. horsie_gurl

    horsie_gurl Member

    Except i feel so terrible lately. Again and again i end my day with tears. Something so dumb upsets me so much. Like my parents talking about how the used to be able to go out for entire days and just play games with friends and i argued that we aren't allowe to do that and they said it was becuase of all the people that will kidnap kids. but i pointed out that the news tells you a lot more lately and maybe they weren't told when each kid was taken and didn't know about the danger. I cried for being born into this fucked up state of the world. And i just have this overwhelming desire to just pass on and leave this mess for someone else to pick up. I've spent too much of my life picking up after everyone else.
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