7 years later, still hurting - Trigger

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by canucklady, Dec 30, 2006.

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  1. canucklady

    canucklady Active Member

    T says that I will feel better once I tell my story. She knows part of my story, but not all of it. I am hoping to write it here and then maybe bring it her, although she will probably make me read it to her.

    I don't even know how it all began. He was so different in the beginning. But once we moved in together, he was jealous and didn't like any of my friends. First we starting just arguing, and he would throw things. Then one time he pushed me. I tried to leave him that first time, but he promised he wouldn't do it again. I believed him. He didn't for awhile. Then one day while we were out, an school friend who happened to be male came up to give me a hug and we were talking. He was so mad once we got home alone. He said I was flirting. Next thing I knew he hit me and I was bleeding. I tried to leave again, he wouldn't let me. Then he apologized again, and this would be the cycle for 2 1/2 years.

    Everyone warned me about him, told me to leave him, but they didn't see his sweet side. I defended him all the time. I lost alot of my friends because of this, they couldn't stand to see me being hurt. Towards the end, I was a mess. I was walking on egg shells, not knowing what would set him off. He had control of my money and he was spending it all on drugs and alcohol. When he was drinking, that is when he was the most unpredictable. He would come home demanding sex, I would say no, and by the end, I was giving in just to stop him from hurting me. I guess I am just realizing now, that I was r-p-d many times. Too many times.

    Every time we broke up, he would apologize or threaten to kill himself or he would threaten to hurt my family if I didn't do what he said. He knew just what to say to get me to come back. The day I finally decided to leave, he was out of town on business for 1 week. I packed up everything and moved out. Left him a note and thought that was the end of it.

    It wasn't. Although he didn't know where I lived, he know where I worked and waited in front of where I worked. Left messages on my car. Called my friends to see if they knew where I was. Threatened them. I was afraid to go to police, he said if I ever did that he would hurt my family, and I believed him then.

    I didn't notice he was following me home. One night I was home, heard my door opening to bedroom. I saw him standing there, he said he just wanted to talk. He was drunk. I could smell it. I told him to get out, and he came after me. I managed to get to front door, but he caught up to me and dragged me back to living room. He had a gun. He hit me hard, and I blacked out, when I came to he was on top of me. Then he asked me where money and booze was. I told him I didn't have any booze. He kept saying if he couldn't have me, no one would have me. It took awhile for him to leave, he was angry because I couldn't stop crying. He said I was asking for it and was my own fault. I blacked out again then. I am not sure what happened next. Next thing I remember was I was in my bed bleeding, and he was gone.

    That was on Nov 11, 1999. I will be 7 yrs this year. I have just been diagnosed with complex PTSD. This due to breaking down at work one day, just crying for absolutely no apparent reason. Job burnout . I had been working 70 hr weeks, just to keep my mind busy I guess. Flashbacks and nightmares are awful and it has just been this year that I am remembering bits and pieces of that night. I haven't been able to work full time for 3 yrs due to severe depression, and am suicidal on many occasions. After 7 yrs, I would have hoped things would be better, but just seem worse then ever.

    Thanks for reading my story.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Thank you for having the courage to write about what happened to you. My situation was similar to yours, although there were many differences as well. It is extremely difficult to leave abusive situations and to break free from them. I am glad you were able to get out from the controlling situation. You have survived these past 7 years, although I know the journey must have been extremely difficult. I am here for you hun, if you need to vent, or simply talk about things. PM me and I will answer you as soon as I can. I do understand. Take care. :hug:
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