7 Years of Suicidal Thoughts

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by clovis627, Oct 24, 2013.

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  1. clovis627

    clovis627 New Member

    This is a bit of a long story and I felt this forum was appropriate for what I've been through. I am not a religious person, so please, no replies involving religion, thank you very much.

    It started when I was turning 12 years old and I moved to a new town with my mom's new husband, whom I've hated since meeting him. I would mostly stay in my room so he couldn't talk to me. Every time I would go to get food or a drink, he would call me stupid and lazy and good for absolutely nothing. After a few years of this, I tried to stand up for myself. I told him to stop calling me such awful things and said he was a jerk. He threatened to hit me if I ever "stepped out of place" again. I told my mom and she told me to stay out of his way so he wouldn't hurt me. As anyone in these forums know, if your told something for so long, you start to lose hope that anything otherwise would be true. I struggled with suicidal thoughts from when I was 12 to the moment I moved out at 18.

    I moved into an apartment with my now ex-boyfriend and I started to naturally recover with his help. After a month, his friend came over and groped me while my bf was out getting a few things. I immediately told my bf when his friend left and I banned his friend from coming back to our place. My bf continuously tried to get me to forgive his friend because of how sorry he seemed. After months of my bf yelling at me to be friends with his friend again so my bf's life would be easier, I agreed to meet him once in public, provided my bf would be with me. We instantly realized how much we had missed eachother, but I wasn't fully ready to forgive him. I allowed him to come to my apartment and told my bf to stay close to us because I still didn't trust him. Instead, my bf retreated into the bedroom five minutes after his friend arrived. That day started up almost a full 6 months of him raping me. I was terrified to tell my bf for fear he would begin to yell at me and call me stupid and useless again.

    I finally realized that if someone would call me horrible names because I was being sexually abused, I shouldn't be with him, and my bf and I broke up. We continued to live in the same house for about a month with him constantly telling me to go hook up with his friend because "we obviously had a connection". Near the end of the month, I ended up hooking up with his friend anyway to feel accepted in a small way. I knew it was wrong, but with no way to contact anyone else, I felt it was a better choice to allow my rapist to rape me, rather than use my swords to end it all.

    My ex got extremely pissed and tried to after me. His friend got up and began to scream back at him, telling him that a roof over my head and food in the fridge wasn't "taking care of me". They continued shouting as his friend basically used his body language to push my ex into the bedroom. I could hear the fight from the living room as I hid under the covers and cried. I ended up going with his friend to his house, whose mother graciously allowed me to stay after hearing a slightly twisted version of what had happened between me and her son.

    I eventually moved back in with my mom and step dad. I continued crying every night as I always did in that household. The constant scoffs and glares from step dad eventually got to me and lucky for me, they needed money, yet again, to keep their house. I used this to my advantage for once and said they could have the money if they allowed my friend (my rapist) to stay with me. They eventually agreed to this and two months later, he was fully moved in and getting a job. My step dad continued to threaten to kick him out and called us lazy pieces of sh** because we spent most the time talking down in the basement we were given to live in.

    Recently, my step dad told me I was better off with my ex. This pissed me off to no end and I shouted that my ex had hit me, something he knew from the day I moved back. He sarcastically replied "I wonder why" and my friend almost launched at him in anger. I was so upset, I contacted my older brother, who was the only one in my family who still cared about me at all. In rage, he called our mom at work and yelled at her. I don't know exactly what was said, but that night, my mom came home and yelled at me for telling him "half the story" and saying it wasn't fair that my brother heard nothing good about my step dad. Honestly, I cannot think of one single instant where my step dad was ever kind to me at all. Nothing came up about my step dad telling me I deserved to get hit, so I told my mom while she was yelling at the three of us. She calmly said "no one deserves to get hit" and after three full minutes, finally made her 65 year old husband give me the fakest apology in the world!

    I've accepted the fact that I have fallen for my rapist and he has actually been a very good boyfriend to me. But I cannot live in a house where I must respect everyone and nobody has to respect me. Because they've taken over $8.000 this year alone, I can't afford to move out. My step dad is threatening to sell the house (which I actually spent the first 8 years of my life in) and kick me and my current bf out on the street. The only place I would have to go to would be to my bf's mom's house, but we are both unsure if she would allow me to stay there again. Despite the fact that my mom has told my step dad to stop doing all the cruel things he does, it was obvious by his posture and words, he will never give me an ounce of respect and keeps saying he will "win". I don't understand what he means by that because all I want is respect. My bf is terrified to go to work everyday because he's afraid I'll act upon my suicidal thoughts.

    I use to think I should tell my mom that I'm suicidal, but since every time my step dad verbally attacks me, my mom only yells at me and tells me to grow up, I'm scared of what she would say. I really want to go live with my brother, who is 6 years older than I am, but he owns an extremely fluffy cat that I am highly allergic to. I feel the only way to get out of this situation and show my mom how bad this is, is to actually go through with my suicidal thoughts, but my bf has shown me people can be kind and I know my brother will always help me in any way he can. I just don't know where to go or what to do.
  2. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    Wow, I hope you know I wish you luck and if you need to talk, pm me. Personally I would tell your older brother how you feel, since he seems the only one who is not manipulated or...how can I say it...mean to you. (Sorry, I'm german, so sometimes I don't know how to say things in english). Mabye ask him if he would come and the both of you would talk with your mom about your step dad.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Maybe your brother could take you in hun and let the bf get a place of his own I am sorry you have been treated so bad hun Hope you can get away from all the toxic people in your life and take care of YOU ok only you for awhile
  4. clovis627

    clovis627 New Member

    Well, since my last post, the very day I posted this, actually, my step dad threatened to have me arrested for calling him a fat a** on Facebook. I know he can't legally do that, but it still scared me to the point I ran away and am now living at my grandparents' house. My bf had to move back to his mother's house and because of the distance, we can no longer see each other face-to-face. Since I moved in with my grandparents, I've been having reoccurring nightmares in which I am sexually assaulted, I assume it's linked to the traumatic experience almost one year ago, but it still doesn't make it easier. I'm still experiencing suicidal thoughts, but thanks to my grandpa and my aunt, I'm doing a little better, despite the fact they have no clue I was ever suicidal in the first place. Total Eclipse, I would love to live with my brother, but due to his cat and my allergies, I cannot live with him. But that would be ideal.
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