Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by victor, Nov 30, 2010.

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  1. victor

    victor Account Closed

    its cold, im laying on this striped bed in an emty house shaking. i had to move out today, got all wet carrying stuff, came back to this empy house and its so cold coz im all wet. i broke my hand few days ago and never went to hospital and hurt it even more today while moving stuff. and im hungry, didnt eat anything today. even finished my cigarettes now. guess thats how it ends - ure just laying alone, cold hungry and in pain.. thats hows its gonna end 4 me. but not today im afraid:-( i wish it was today.. i lost everything by now and i know nothings gonna change. not 4 me. i want my phone to ring, i want someone to come, take me home, get me to change my clothes, get me smth to eat and take to to the hospital, maybe punch me to the face and tell me to get my shit together. but its not gonna happen. nobody will come. ill just lay here in this bed alone, 4 i dunno how many hrs until the pain will get unbearable and then ill be forced to go n take care of myself. coz nobody else will. i just wanna die right now. but i cant even do that. im so pathetic, so useless. im trying to tell myself 'get up, just get up and go and sort urself out instead of laying here and suffering' but i cant, ive just no power 4 that. i just wanna die. dunno why m saying all this.. M probably trying to understand myself, to understand what the fuck is wrong with me, when comfort is a short walk and a few phone calls away, why i stil lay here wishing id die.. i just dunno anything anymore
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi V..I live in NY City or I would come over...but instead, I will send my caring this way and hope you reach out to us so you know there are many of us who understand...please PM me if I can be there for you...J
  3. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Vitas,
    What's happened? Why did you have to move and where have you put all your stuff? Also, how did you break your hand?
    Sweetheart, it's time to go to hospital. You need to get that hand looked at and you also need to talk to the psych nurse and tell them how you're feeling. They'll be able to give you some meds. If you don't have anywhere to go then they might be able to help you find somewhere.
    I know it's hard to get moving but you don't have a choice. I'm going to be very cross with you if you don't go to hospital and get that hand seen to.
    You're not pathetic and you're not useless. You are a worthwhile person and I like you. At the moment you're in a deep depression and the illness is making you feel like this. Time to go and get help for it.
  4. loopy

    loopy Well-Known Member

    Aw Vitas as shit as i feel I could have cried through reading that. If I lived closer I would come take you to hospital and be a friend.

    I hope you get up off that bed soon and get some help.

    I got no positive words for you because Im struggling for them at the moment but sending you a virtual hug xxx
  5. Kirsty_Ann

    Kirsty_Ann Well-Known Member

    Oh honey, please let us know what is going on.
    I wish i could help, if i can let me know, you can always pm me.
    So sorry,
    Lots of :hugtackles:
  6. victor

    victor Account Closed

    she said she wouldnt dump me by txt ever again.. well, she kept her promise lol she just stoped talkin to me completely.. everything went wrong in every possible way. everything that could. even things that couldnt really - stil went wrong lol its my life, what can u expect..
  7. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    East a shitload of very unhealthy comfort food and make a warmth nest out of any thing you can find...coats,towels...wrap a t-shirt around your head....forget trying to get conventionally warm,just get warm.
    Are you okay for money?I mean you're not at the point of needing to apply for a crisis loan from the dole or taking your gadgets down to cash converter are you?
    This must all seem incredibly nosy and pushy from your side(from my side????) and for that I apologise,but it's cold and even beer and biscuits will bolster you.
    I hope you have been down to casualty and got your hand seen to.
    If not,do it,please,injuries are a total morale sapper and the break itself could be making you feel colder by being in shock.
    Come on man,the NHS is free and McDonalds is cheaper than it's weight in sawdust.
    Please pull through and consider me your Christmas elf....and let me,let us all know that you are working to get through this. *<I:.)O<
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Vitas,
    You need to get that hand taken care of.. If you wait too long the bones will heal in a distorted manner and then they can't do anything about it..Do it while it is still fresh.. Have you found new accomondations?? I understand it is snowing over there.. You don't want to be on the streets..Tell the psych evaluator how your feeling and the thoughts that keep going thru your head..They should admit you and get you straight on meds and arrange support for you when you get out..Take Care and always know you can PM any of us..
  9. victor

    victor Account Closed

    m a bit o.k now so i thought id reply. dont worry bout me, guys, n thanks 4 ur advices. i have were to live and i have money to survive and everything. its just that most of the time ive no power to take care of myself. cant see the reason 4 that. but im o.k right now, so far so good and shall see whats gonna happen in next couple of days
  10. victor

    victor Account Closed


    109 is the number of unread msgs in my mailbox. i dunno, adverts, spam, whatever it is, never been bothered to delete it. when im opening my email using my phone, first thing that loads up is this number. when i see 109, i just disconnect coz i know theres no new emails. but several times a day it turns to 110. when i see 110 my heart starts beating like it was on cocaine. i hold my breath for next few secounds, until the rest of the page loads up and i can see whos the email from. but its never her. since sunday morning i think.. every time the excitement seeing 110 is followed by disapointment.. i delete the advert or whatever it is and go back to 109.. i sent her several emails n txt msgs today but its stil the same one hundred and nine, its been over 72hrs now. is it the number ill be looking at for the rest of my life? or shall i just change the password to smth i cant remember and wont be able to log in? but that wouldnt change much really, id just create a new email. since i came to this site a had a small hope that everythings gonna be alright. but now i know it wont be alright. i do find comfort here, and ppl on here can lift my mood and make me smile sometimes, but whats the fucking point? its 109 and thats the way its gonna stay. even if she will come back one day its gonna be too late. im tellin all this to myself really, rather than seeking an advice. i cant really change anything, can i? pathetic
  11. victor

    victor Account Closed

    i cant sleep
  12. victor

    victor Account Closed

    she just dumped me again. by text. after 4 days of silence. thats it. iv enough. now this time i had fucking enough. fuck this world. fuck the god. yes, if there is god and he listens to me right this moment, here u r: fuck u. and i mean it. i hate u. fuck this life. u can take it n stick it up ur ass. ive enough of this shit, im done now. fuck everything
  13. victor

    victor Account Closed

    they got drunk and she slept with him. and now she thinks she has to marry him. shes gonna go thru with that marriage. so now even i kill myself today, while im strong enough to do it, or ill just kill myself slowly and painfully, like i was doing last 4 days. theres no way im gonna live on this fuckin earth anymore. i had enough pain for 3 lifetimes. fuck it. i hope she will be happy with him. i hope she will never regret. i just wanna die and right now, i cant take it anymore. not like this. not like this.. but i dunno how to kill myself, ive no gun n no money, and cutting my veins wont kill me just injure me. i gotta wait 4 the evening to get money and ill think of smth then. but its only 1.30 and i dunno how to wait til that fuckin evening. im losing my mind and i dunno what i can do, i dont wanna hurt no one but im on the very thin line of going insane. i dunno what to do and how to get to the nite. i hit my broken hand to the wall but that pain didnt get me any better, it doesnt help, i dunno what to do
  14. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    talk to me
    i pmed you
  15. victor

    victor Account Closed

    lifes so cruel.. to me, to u, to everyone.. why? why do we all have to suffer?
    i wont cry. when u cry, u let the pain out. but i dont wanna let it out, not this time..
    ..then one nite in desperation the young man breaks away.. he buys a gun, steals a car, tries to run but he dont get far and his mama cries.. as the crowd gathers round and angry young man, face down to the street with the gun in his hand in the ghetto.. and thats where young man dies.. in the ghetto.. on the cold n grey chicago mornin another little baby child is born.. in the ghetto..
    thats so damn true u know..
  16. victor

    victor Account Closed

    o.k, now i took all of those pills i had and m trying to get some more alcohol. im listening to bin tere remix. i so hope i will die tonite. if i wont ill get smth stronger tomorrow, ill register with gp and ill get it. but i hope itll be enough tonite. if ill die, ill be able to stay by her side 4ever.. i hope so at least. coz while alive we cant be together. i just wanna make sure shes happy. pls god, take me tonite, i know we dont have nice relationship, i said some bad things, but pls take me n lemme be with my baby.. pls.. one last thing im asking.. if ill wake up tomorrow ill do smth bad n hurt someone else. i dont wanna do it, i just wanna get a chance to connect with my baby..
    thank u everyone. wish me good luck pls
    i luv u, my penguin:)
  17. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    vitas if you took all the pills you need to go to the ER and have them look after you. too risky otherwise. you will never get back with her if you are dead. please take care of yourself.
  18. victor

    victor Account Closed

    ill never be with her anyway. thanks
  19. victor

    victor Account Closed

    i wish i wouldve died that nite, i wish i wouldve died 25 long and fucked up years ago. I kept praying every day and what was the answer? the answer was exactly what i couldve expected: FUCK U
    nice. lifes beautiful, uh? fuck me, uh? fuck u too, then, bud. and this life, too
  20. victor

    victor Account Closed

    u want me to work, to study, make a career, save money, build a life, be a good person.. 4 what 4 fucks sake? gimme 1 good reason? just one? no? exactly
    i was a good person n i was doing things right, n so what? look at me now lol pathetic
    i dont want this shit anymore. had enough. Ill better go back to cocaine, then at the very least i know exactly what i need to stop the pain. now i have no fuckin clue how to stop it
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