7yr marriage and I destroyed it. IT feels like my only option

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by GayMolecularTechTexas, Jun 13, 2015.

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  1. I really have never posted to a forum like this before so I apologize ahead of time if this is chaotic.

    I am a 26 y/o male who has been with my partner (37 y/o) for almost 7 years now. These past 7 yes have been the best of my life. I have an amazing husband, who I just bought our first home with, 4 dogs and a cat. I am currently a student. I just finished my last semester of school and am currently doing my clinical rotations (8 to 10 hrs/day mon-fri) to receive my degree in genetics. I work part time in a lab (8 to 10 hrs/day sat and sun). My schedule doesn't leave me much free time and neither does his, he work (7 days a week; 10 hrs weekdays 6 weekends) at a job he has been at for 10 years and does side jobs, like cleaning houses and petsitting, plus is always working on one project or another. But the time isn't really the issue, we always at least try to make time for each other.

    I will start off with the events of the first week of June. I was scheduled to go on a trip for my school for 4 nights and be back on the 5th morning early. Everything was good we went on a bike ride the night before and talked. He told me he was worried. I told him not to be. He dropped me off, "I love you, be good." " I will and You be good mister." *wink* and another kiss. Got there met up with friends. Constantly called and texted to check in but he never really was able to talk. Sent him pictures to show him I wasn't alone, was with friends he knew and where I was supposed to be, all that jazz. Then, on my last night there I called him and was finally able to talk to him for a minute, and something was off. He just wasn't acting like himself. So I hopped on my phone and checked his Google history. It showed grindr and Craigslist and emails and his location history showed him going to gloryholes and adult video stores and apartment complexes I know he knew no one at. So I confronted him.

    This is where it is my fault. Apparently two weeks before he had been on my computer and found pictures I thought I had deleted. Pictures I had sent to people months before when I was at a low point. I don't know how best to say this, I have issues. I was the ugly short fat gay kid with no friends. My mom said on many occasions I was the biggest mistake of her life. My dad is in serious denial about me but that's OK because I don't know what I would do if he found out. My parents divorced when I was 11 I stopped talking to my mom at 12 until really right before I met my husband, and I moved out of my dad's at 16 when he put me through a wall because we were arguing about me saying that the first generation computer I had to use for school was going to make me fail because I couldn't do my homework (actually true) and needed a new one.

    Before my parents split it was me, my older half brother(mom's son), my mom and dad. My mom would sometimes leave for up to 6 months "on business trips" and my dad worked jobs that kep him away from home too. My older brother nearly dude when he was 2 (before I was born) so he was always the baby even after I was born. Growing u, when it was just the two of us( so from as early as I can remember) I took care of him. I learned to cook, clean and do laundry at 6 or 7 (after they fired the maid and the neighbors got tired of checking on us).

    When my parents first split I lived with my mom (my brother moved out at 17) and when she was home it was just me and her. Things would happen like I would clean my room and do all my laundry then go to get ready for bed and put the cloths I was wearing in the hamper. Sometime in the middle of the night I would wake up to having the shit beat out of me for "not cleaning my room" because that days cloths were in the hamper.

    Not the easiest childhood, but I learned and adapted. I would either be the best/smartest or lie to get attention/what I wanted. I was used to not being worth anyone even noticing, and I would do anything to be important and be noticed.

    So now here I am as an adult. I'm not short, fat or ugly anymore. I'm the exact opposite. But I still have that insecurity and anxiety. The smallest comment my mind takes the wrong way and the anxiety and depression start. My mind races I have entire conversation in my head. I meticulously go over every detail of what I want to say/do and never do any of it. Either, What comes out it the exact wrong thing that starts a fight, or I bottle it up and start thinking things I know aren't true like "I'm just a sex object to him" "he doesn't care about me" "he doesn't love me" "he is cheating" "I should too".

    My paranoia would be manageable if it were only that because I know its not true, but its not all. He is not a sharer, which is ok, everyone is different. But, it feeds the paranoia and triggers anxiety and depression because as a person who likes to talk and,in all honesty, is an over-sharer, I can't understand it and it makes me feel alone even when he is right there. That anxiety, paranoia and depression leads to two things. The first is lies, spying and hiding things. Most of them are small white lies about stupid stuff of no consequence but some aren't, or its just reassuring myself that it's all in my head (the spying/hiding things). They all come from the same place " I don't want to upset him, I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to make him mad." And they compound. Of course I am a bad lier and get caught all the time so now he doesn't believe me when I tell him the truth about anything. The second thing that happens is I talk to other guys, that's all it ever is talking (and the occasional picture, I have never cheated on him (but he doesn't believe me). I do it because when I get in that place I feel worthless and its the only way I feel like I can have value (doesn't make much sense I know). It makes me feel sexy and wanted and when my mind is in that place, he doesn't, even though I know it has nothing to do with him.

    So anyway, he found the pictures from when I was in that place the last time a few weeks before I left and was hold it in never saying anything. It has been over a week of hot and cold, hot and cold. I've tried talking but he won't talk, I've suggested seeing a counselor to help us learn to communicate but he said he wouldn't, that "he didn't do counselors." We both agree we don't know where to go from here and I suggested it via text yesterday morning because he wouldn't talk on the phone. I thought it would be ok because the previous night things had gotten a bit better and he had said he wanted us to stay together and he wanted to work on things, but a few minutes later, when my anxiety started, I downloaded grindr just to reassure myself that he wasn't on it, and there he was. Less than 5 minutes after us texting back and forth about loving each other and wanting to work on things. When we both got home I was ignored, he acted as if I did not even exist, as if I was not there. It hurt bad. The only thing he said to me after nearly 5hours of complete silence was, without looking at me, "go get cigarettes." I did. But I snapped on the way and sent him this message "Why don't you just go fuck someone like you want to so maybe this shit can end. I mean it's obvious you don't want to actually fix anything. You out right refuse the only thing I can think of that might help and every day find some new reason to be pissed at me and either yell at me or out right ignore me. That is if you haven't already. We both know you were on grindr not 5 minutes after I sent you that email, or at least that's when I saw. I know I'm not innocent here but I'm not Hitler either." When I got back all hell broke loose. There was screaming things being broken glasses flying through the air (I just yelled he did the rest). Before he left he said "pack a bag, this is my house I want you out before I come back." I said no and he replied with I will burn it to the ground before I let you stay. Then he left. I cleaned up a bit and started balling halfway through. Went up to our bed and was at first thought about <mod edit - methods>, but new my body wouldn't let me so I was on the bed <mod edit - methods> when he called. Someone had talked him down and convinced him to. He asked me to join him at a bar. I did. We talked. We kissed we drank. Went home and to bed. Woke up, messed around and went to go to work (left my car at his job after bar so in 1 vehicle). But it all shifted as soon as we were in the truck. The first and only thing he said to me was " when I got to the bar last night I walked up to ask for a drink and the bartender said only if I can get a kiss, so I gave him one, he gave me my drink then handed me his number (he had already told me about the number) and told me to use it. I think I might." I couldn't say anything. We got to his job. I tried to kiss him and say have a love you. He just walked inside.

    I am at the place I was last night. I need help before I <mod edit - methods> or something
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    You are important. It is one of the price we pay when we love somone too much.

    Whatever direction this issue between you and your partner go, just keep in mind that the feeling will be raw and ugly for the time being. Its only a tempoary feeling of grief of losing someone.
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