I have been suffering from suicidal thoughts for a long time now and have been ever so close to following through with them. I think I have been masking these feelings with drugs. It is the first time I have been home in about five days and just being here is hard. It reminds me of my emotions and feelings. I have been trying to tell my doctor about my thoughts but I can't really do that. He wants my mom to go to my appointments with me...yah right, if that happens like I am going to say how I feel. Nothing seems to work or help. I think I have been trying to get myself so messed up that I would be able to commit suicide without taking the conscious responsibility of having made that choice. I have a large purchase of drugs coming and I think this might be it. I also have a doctors appointment today so I guess I am hoping my mom forgets about it. I don't have to let her come with me but now I am going to have to tell her that. That is going to be hard to do. Maybe I wont have to, ever.