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  1. panoply

    panoply Banned Member

    i'm not doing too great tonight
    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2011
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    what's going on?
    anything happen to trigger you?
  3. panoply

    panoply Banned Member

  4. panoply

    panoply Banned Member

    Nothing "triggered" me. I'm just miserable.
    And I want it to be over with.
  5. panoply

    panoply Banned Member

    i guess looking for support on a suicide forum is akin to pissing into a sea of piss. i can't even be myself here without being banned for a month, and i'm sure to be banned indefinitely soon.

    i belong nowhere.

    and now i'm talking to myself.
  6. panoply

    panoply Banned Member

    i even told one of my supposed "friends" on facebook that i was thinking of attempting but she promptly signed off after giving me some roundabout happy-go-lucky bullshit

    i fucking loathe people.

    but not nearly as much as i loathe myself.
  7. panoply

    panoply Banned Member

    i'm a useless high school dropout. 23-year-old ****** still living with his parents, jobless, and nowhere close to getting a degree.

    my parents are going to kick me out (about time) because I finally hinted that I was bisexual. they won't have that.

    no i have nowhere to go, so don't fucking ask. i wouldn't be this upset if i had friends to stay with would i...?
  8. panoply

    panoply Banned Member

    i even have this fucking Forum Access Only scarlet letter branded to my fucking ass here because I can't even get along with people on a suicide forum.

    jesus christ.

    i have zero hope to make it in this world.
  9. panoply

    panoply Banned Member

    this thread has gotten 1 view. fuck it
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Jus twant you to know I'm listening, sorry I didn't see this sooner. Hope you're OK...?
  11. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You won't find support here to help kill yourself - that is against the whole reason the forum was established. It is 'Pro-Life' - which is not some wacky religious take on life - just basic common sense.

    Some people have reasons to die - terminally ill people perhaps with no quality of life - but with depression, you understand that suicide forums like this have to make sure that the people who post here get along also - as much as we can.

    Sometimes you come across as angry - which is not an issue for me, but when your anger is directed at yourself it only makes things worse.

    It is a real shame your parents cannot deal with you being bi sexual - some live in another age I guess.

    Living at home aged 23 is not unusual - in fact it is more common now because the cost of renting is so high. I know many people who live with parents because its a good way to combine resources. Plus, you are there to help parents especially as they get older.

    Moving out is a good move for many but you need a decent job first and its no use feeling the blues over not having a job - you got to just use your resources, learn more things so you have skills to trade with people.

    If you have no job - you have lots of time. I know its not easy to sign up for courses but you have home study courses - or ones were you attend somewhere just to pass in the work.

    As for forum access only - I'm sure you will be given full rights. It takes a few posts before you can let loose - others also have hundreds of posts but 'forum access' - maybe some lose it from time to time.

    Maybe you've said a few things in anger - I know not - but you seem an angry young man - and really, the problems you are angry about are OTHER peoples problems. Their prejudices are not yours to carry - and my advice, re the family, is to try not to fall out big time with them. Tell them you love them - but your sexuality is just something that is part of you. You cannot help it anymore than you can help liking ice cream of a certain flavour. You fancy men as well as women - which I suppose gives you a head start in finding someone suitable.

    To be honest - if you don't mind if it is a girl or boy - maybe a women would be better because - well, they tend to make us feel better - they are a balance in our lives, if we choose the right women or the right women chooses you.

    Then again, having another man might be easier - as you will always agree to go out for a beer and so on. No arguments about soap operas either, or is there? Not sure really - just being nosy I suppose.

    So, forget any prejudices others might have - forget about yourself being 'nothing' and not worth the bother. This is depression playing its usual tricks - selling you a dud version of yourself and holding it up as a means of belittling you.

    You have some depression, which might feel like the end of the world but its not really.

    Hope you can get some help with it - also, maybe a move to your own bedsit or something would allow you your own space to what you want. Some time to think about life choices without having your parents peer over your shoulder.

    Good luck and do try and get some help - or let us know what you are doing.

    Regards from England!
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    sorry you didn't seem to want to talk that's why i didn't follow up
  13. panoply

    panoply Banned Member

    i'm not angry. i'm frustrated. there's a fucking difference.

    and i'm sick of people brushing me off as just some angry kid, particularly when they use it to justify banning me.

    there's no possible way i can convey my frustration to you through words, so i don't even know why i bother joining these forums, sometimes. people tell me to get professional help, assuming i haven't been to a dozen different doctors a year for the past fifteen years of my life. professional? they don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, either.

    i came to this forum and started to make a few friends, but i quickly saw how just being myself drove people away. so i tried being someone else for a while, and that just made shit worse. now i'm banned for a month from the only social outlet i had, and over what... posting a link to a harmless cartoon, just so happened to be "at the wrong time." well how the fuck was i supposed to know.

    other than the therapist and my parents, i haven't spoken with another human being face to face in almost a year. i'm pretty fucking certain that'll be the course of my life from hereon out, too. i don't want to live like that anymore.
  14. panoply

    panoply Banned Member

    eh. just forget about it. i've had this talk with a hundred people before and it never dissuaded me. i don't know what i'm going to do tonight. i'm willing to just fall asleep, but the more i think on it, the less i want to wake up tomorrow.
  15. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    :hug: you are awesome, funny, and have great grammar skills. i like reading your posts and miss seeing you and your light blue font in chat. there's nothing i can say to make things better, make you realize how awesome you are, or make certain people stop being bigots, but i so, so understand where you are coming from. i'm sorry that you feel like crap tonight. please don't do anything rash.
    ps. i hope you don't find my grammar triggering. >.<
  16. panoply

    panoply Banned Member

    nah. i think you made my night a lot better.
    ps. i liked the :wub: better than :hug:
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