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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Jul 27, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I don't know why I'm posting but I don't know what else to do. I'm crashing bad and I don't know how to stop it. Thought I was better this morning but then high anxiety hit with a flashback.

    What can I do, is there a point in trying to figure this out. How can I do this? I'm worried, exhausted. A couple of hours sleep the last few nights is playing with my mind, my thoughts.
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    For me, getting restful sleep has meant a lot to me, especially when I'm not having a good day (like in your case). I hope you can try to relax and get some more sleep because sleep seems to improve my mood (even just a little bit would help you feel just a tad bit better). :)

    Good luck.
     
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    If I could I would, but thanks
     
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    maybe sleeping aids are something you can look into perhaps? whatever it takes
     
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks but I can't, I'm looking after someone.

    Its ok, don't worry.
     
  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    It's not okay if you're crashing bad right now.
     
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I have to deal, have no choice. But the longer all remains subdued the harder it will be.
     
  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I wish you the best.
     
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you. If the worst comes to the worst then so be it.
     
  10. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    You're very welcome. :hugtackles:
     
  11. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Mo... :hugtackles::console::console:

    I am so sorry you're struggling! PLEASE hang on in there... you are not alone, keep posting! VENT!VENT! VENT some more, get it all out girl!

    Of course you struggle, anyone would in your situation. Its awful, and you're allowed to feel fed up ok. I hope you'll be able to get some rest soon. Are you getting any help or respite? Maybe you could ask CAB/G.P. about resources available to you as a carer?

    Sending you much love, please be kind to yourself!

    xxx
     
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Ditsy

    Thank you so much. I know others in similar situation who do fine so its just me.

    Please mind yourself
     
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Mo, I hope you get the much needed rest..Have you considered getting a baby monitor.. That way if your needed it will come across the monitor.. Maybe that will help you get some rest..I know you are in a difficult situation.. You can count on me to be in your corner..Talk to you later.. Joseph
     
  14. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I KNOW it seems like nobody knows - I mean - nobody knows what it is like living in your head? But trust me - although we all have a unique view of anything in life - let alone depression - we DO have this darkness in common - and nobody who has not experienced it will ever know more than a load of crap from books - and so on.

    OK - some books written by people with depression - they will be good. However - I know a lot about the condition of depression - I also have it and have done so for a few decades. For me - books are great - but when you are depressed - you do not need 20 chapters of some annoyingly cheerful person who is married to a dream-man/woman, happy as a soldier in a brothel - and so on.

    I want a book which says, on the first page "I hate you - the reader - you remind me of my messed up self - so please do not write to say I'm great because, to be frank, I know this already. So - read my book STFU and leave me alone because I hate, er, people! Sorry, but this is how I cope - I hate everyone and feel big about it. I intend to kill myself before the next book which will be titled "Killing yourself because other people suck!"

    Hope you can smile at that MoAnaCara - I took a chance your still able to sometimes raise an upside down frown!

    Anyhow - I'm a cynic, sometimes. But I am like you. We are all like you in some respects because we all have reasons for wanting to die! Like a club you would never choose to be in - but now we are it is what it is and we have to deal with this.

    So - for me - this forum is a revelation. I always hide the dark side as I call the depression - it was a tactic but I have learnt and am learning that its not a good one. Not really. In hiding the darkness we have to hide the light also. We pretend to be ourselves - do you do that? With people who you are close to?

    You say you care for someone - I'd usually read a few posts but I do remember something about this. I have commented on some things you have said - no? Or maybe not - but I'm here now.

    Have you nobody here to talk to? I know some members do this - depends on what nation and if you can afford to have a phone! Some mobile phones have free calls for people on the same network.

    I email a member here - I guess its a 'sponsor' deal - It goes two ways. For me - this is working. I mean its great here also but I guess an email is more personal and its nice to have someone who can act without judging you.

    I think I have befriended you - if not I'll do that now so I can follow the little group that I seem to have. I'll make with friends with anyone - few refuse though I respect those who see through me and think "Whoa - he seems like the 10 million issue man. No. Its down to 8 million now.

    Anyhow - I'm real sorry to see you going through this - I know its not much but I do worry about you and I guess you are a real nice person and its hard for you to see that right now.

    It is hard to encourage yourself.

    Sometimes we do need others to do that.

    Good luck and God Bless - hope you get some sleep tonight - I stay up all night maybe once a month or so - I mean, I just do not feel sleepy sometimes - so I go with that - get things done. Fight the wish to sleep at morning - and take a shower and go out. You WILL sleep the next night rest assured!!! I had an 11 hour sleep last night! It was fantastic.

    So - best wishes - hope it helps but know how it is - and will understand if my attempt to humour or make you think positive has failed.

    Failed for now shall we say?

    Later.
     
  15. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm reaching, trying but failing. Why post, I always ask this of myself? Don't others have enough going on? How can I continuously be this selfish? Strong..yes. But strong enough? I don't think so. I'm trying so hard, I want to hide so bad. I want a clear mind. I want peace. Why dies this all seem so unattainable? What have I done wrong? What am I doing wrong now? Why can't I hush and fade into the shadows?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2011
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I wish for so much. I wish cancer wasn't part of my vocabulary for the past few years. I wish it wasn't and didn't affect those close to me. I wish in many ways I had it instead. I wish my closest friend didn't kill themselves. I wish I had a friend now like them, I miss them so much. I wish I could correct mistakes I made, too many to list. I wish I had been there for them, but I wasn't. I was ignorant to it all - not a good friend. I am so sorry for letting you down. And your birthday is coming and I wish like hell you were here, we'd celebrate together, figure out life together, laugh and cry together and just be stupid together.

    I wish that I didn't know anyone here in one way. It would make it easier to sneak away. On the other hand I wish those who have stuck by me through all my non-ending posts good in their own lives. I wish them happiness and some peace.

    I wish I didn't have this fear inside me, nor this anxiety and feelings of being completely overwhelmed.

    I wish for a quick and painless passing for my other when the time comes.

    I wish my tears tonight would cease.

    Thank you all, sincerely.
     
  17. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I feel right now I'm again on this ride I can't control. How can I do better, why can't I do better? How to get through? How?
     
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