I KNOW it seems like nobody knows - I mean - nobody knows what it is like living in your head? But trust me - although we all have a unique view of anything in life - let alone depression - we DO have this darkness in common - and nobody who has not experienced it will ever know more than a load of crap from books - and so on.
OK - some books written by people with depression - they will be good. However - I know a lot about the condition of depression - I also have it and have done so for a few decades. For me - books are great - but when you are depressed - you do not need 20 chapters of some annoyingly cheerful person who is married to a dream-man/woman, happy as a soldier in a brothel - and so on.
I want a book which says, on the first page "I hate you - the reader - you remind me of my messed up self - so please do not write to say I'm great because, to be frank, I know this already. So - read my book STFU and leave me alone because I hate, er, people! Sorry, but this is how I cope - I hate everyone and feel big about it. I intend to kill myself before the next book which will be titled "Killing yourself because other people suck!"
Hope you can smile at that MoAnaCara - I took a chance your still able to sometimes raise an upside down frown!
Anyhow - I'm a cynic, sometimes. But I am like you. We are all like you in some respects because we all have reasons for wanting to die! Like a club you would never choose to be in - but now we are it is what it is and we have to deal with this.
So - for me - this forum is a revelation. I always hide the dark side as I call the depression - it was a tactic but I have learnt and am learning that its not a good one. Not really. In hiding the darkness we have to hide the light also. We pretend to be ourselves - do you do that? With people who you are close to?
You say you care for someone - I'd usually read a few posts but I do remember something about this. I have commented on some things you have said - no? Or maybe not - but I'm here now.
Have you nobody here to talk to? I know some members do this - depends on what nation and if you can afford to have a phone! Some mobile phones have free calls for people on the same network.
I email a member here - I guess its a 'sponsor' deal - It goes two ways. For me - this is working. I mean its great here also but I guess an email is more personal and its nice to have someone who can act without judging you.
I think I have befriended you - if not I'll do that now so I can follow the little group that I seem to have. I'll make with friends with anyone - few refuse though I respect those who see through me and think "Whoa - he seems like the 10 million issue man. No. Its down to 8 million now.
Anyhow - I'm real sorry to see you going through this - I know its not much but I do worry about you and I guess you are a real nice person and its hard for you to see that right now.
It is hard to encourage yourself.
Sometimes we do need others to do that.
Good luck and God Bless - hope you get some sleep tonight - I stay up all night maybe once a month or so - I mean, I just do not feel sleepy sometimes - so I go with that - get things done. Fight the wish to sleep at morning - and take a shower and go out. You WILL sleep the next night rest assured!!! I had an 11 hour sleep last night! It was fantastic.
So - best wishes - hope it helps but know how it is - and will understand if my attempt to humour or make you think positive has failed.
Failed for now shall we say?
Later.