I do hope that you were able to stay safe and are still with us.. sounds like you're in a very desperate place right now and i'm so sorry to hear that. Sounds like you feel no one would care or cry if you weren't around, and while I can relate to having felt this way in the past, I wonder if that's really true. Although it can feel that way, I doubt people wouldn't care.. a colleague recently ended his life and it was amazing how many people it affected.. even people who had hardly spoken to him were very upset. I'm not saying that to make you feel guitly, but more to try to challenge the negative thinking that may be caused by the depression rather than being the truth.
Please do keep writing here if it helps in anyway but in the meantime you'll be in my thoughts.
Jenny