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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Xscapeply, Oct 28, 2011.

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  1. Xscapeply

    Xscapeply Well-Known Member

    I never should've brought people into my life again - all it does is hurt. I'm way too unstable to function in relation to other people. I overreact. I over-analyze. I automatically think the worst case scenario 'cause if I do, I keep thinking I won't get an unpleasant surprise (yet I'm always crushed). I should've fucking learned by now. I should've known that me and other people don't match. Hypersensitivity to abandonment and being unable to cope with rejection speaks for itself. Idiot.

    I don't want to fight anymore. I surrender. It's so much easier to give in - listen to the voice. After all, it's always been there. It never left me, not like everyone else did. The voice and the blade - pretty much my only friends for so long, how could this be any different? I don't even dare to hope. The good times are fooling me anyway, and I always find something bad in them, especially lately.

    I'll just pick my mind apart to the best of my ability - build the courage to just fucking end it. It's not like anyone would care much. They'd be fine. So far I haven't even been able to off myself. Pathetic.

    My insecurities are eating me alive. If anything, I'll put an end to this just to get peace from my own fucking insecurity. And the moods, God. And the pain and destruction I'm inflicting on everyone - especially the ones I love. They'll be better off when I'm not there to slowly destroy them. When I'm not causing them to drown with me.

    I know I can't be fixed, and so I'm also being told all the time. I have to learn to live with this. No fucking way. There's no way in hell I'm going to stay alive if I have to deal with this for years and years and years.

    I'm done.
    I'm so fucking done.
     
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I haven't checked your post history, so please forgive me if I'm asking about something that you've already talked about

    I don't know who told you that you can't be fixed, but I think that they are probably wrong. I think that you probably have a history of serious trauma, but if you found a good therapist, you might be able to get much better

    I know the feeling of thinking that others would be better off without you, but I think that usually when we think these things, the opposite is actually true

    I respect your right to choose what you want to do, to make the decision which you think is best. There may be a way for you to get better though, and I hope that is something that you try to do

    Please don't say bad things about yourself. Dealing with other people is hard for everyone. If you've had a lot of negative experiences, or are dealing with mental health problems, it's not reasonable to expect you to be able function well. Please forgive yourself, you are not to blame
     
  3. Xscapeply

    Xscapeply Well-Known Member

    I’ve mostly just posted in The Coffee House before, so it’s okay.

    I’m seeing a therapist. I’ve seen several in the past. I can’t switch therapists again because they have no one available for me if I quit seeing the one I have now. He says he can’t help me, apparently because I understand too much of my illness or something. The psychologists I’ve seen in the psych ward I’ve been committed to thrice in the past (the most recent stay was in July/August this year) say they can’t treat chronic cases like me. My therapist doesn’t want to commit me to a different ward, and my options are limited. The children’s psychiatrist I’ve spoken to in hospital after od’s and my last suicide attempt (September this year) says it’s more an existential question for me – whether I’m going to live or die – and that “you have to learn how to live with being chronically suicidal”. Another therapist has said that too. My doctor doesn’t want to put me on meds because “meds won’t help you anyway”.

    I’ve reached a dead end, and it’s 14 months until I’ll get transferred to adult psychiatry and start over with a new therapist. Which won’t really be starting over anyway. The doctor who says meds won’t help me, I met for the first time about a month ago. Just a quick look in my files, and she’d figured meds will be inefficient for me because a) three of the ones I’ve tried didn’t work, b) one of them seemingly made me attempt suicide (which isn’t true, but they don’t listen to what I’m saying), c) a psychosis unit I’ve been to dismissed bipolar disorder two years ago and focused rather on a personality disorder, and d) I’ve taken too many pills too many times.

    I’m pretty sure they would be better off without me. I’m a destructive person. I drag people down with me. I literally suck the energy out of the people I’m with without meaning to if I socialize. I manipulate and test the people I love because I need the constant reassurance that they care about me, and sometimes I'm not even aware of doing it before it's too late and I've screwed up. I’m hateful and violent and selfish. I’m not a good person to be around.

    I just want it all to end.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Please hun know these asses who say you cannot be fixed are wrong okay You can get stable my daughter was so ill hun but now with the right doctor she is doing better and as you age the personality disorder seems to settle down some as well. I think when you get transferred to adult ward as my daughter did you will have new doctor one i hope will listen and not judge you hun please don't give up hope okay because i know there is hope i have seen my duaghter stabilize some and so can you okay Three different meds are not enough to say they will not work hell there are hundreds of different combination of meds that may work for you hun. Don't give up hope okay i mean that there is hope always hun hugs to you
     
  5. Made Of Scars

    Made Of Scars Member

    I love you. I'm messed up already, and you're not making it worse. When I talk to you, it usually makes me happier. You've saved me from overdosing. If you died...I have other friends, but it would NEVER stop hurting. You are like a sister to me. My grandma passed away when I was 7 and I still miss her sometimes. I can't even imagine what it's like to loose a sister. Please don't leave me and Teru.

    You are beautiful. I don't know what I can do for you, but if it's anything, I'll do it. No matter what it is. I would give Chuck Norris a blowjob that would make you happy, even only for a moment. That's how much I love you. So don't go...
     
  6. Xscapeply

    Xscapeply Well-Known Member

    It doesn’t really help me that there are a lot of different meds when I’m not allowed to try any because my doctor is of the opinion that it won’t help me anyway. Even if it would get better with therapists and such when I turn 18, I can’t go for 14 more months being like this. It’s not fucking possible.


    Aw, you... ):
    He'll be fine, though. So will you... at least eventually. It's not like I'm of that much importance anyway. Not to anyone. Never have been, never will be.

    Damn you >.> Making me smile and all. Sure your girlfriend would appreciate that?
     
  7. Made Of Scars

    Made Of Scars Member

    No she wouldn't. But I would still do it :3
     
  8. Xscapeply

    Xscapeply Well-Known Member

    Meh. I'm just starting to lose hope.


    ...just kidding. I lost hope a long time ago.
     
  9. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    it's worthwhile to get a second opinion if you can. I think that sometimes people will say that there is nothing that can be done for you, but what that really means is that they are not willing put the effort into really trying to help you. They just say that you can't be helped because that excuses them from having to help you

    I'm guessing that you've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. a lot of therapists are reluctant to treat people with this, since usually a lot of anger ends up being directed at the therapist

    If you are suicidal without meds, it seems to me that there is more risk in not giving you meds than in giving you meds
     
  10. Xscapeply

    Xscapeply Well-Known Member

    I've had a second opinion. And a third. I've seen a shitload of people regarding my illness. It's not like they tell me what they're figuring out (not even if I ask), but I honestly don't think they've figured anything out. Just that I'm a challenge. I'm going to a diagnostic meeting or something in December, though...

    I haven't been diagnosed with bpd (therapists here usually don't diagnose people below age 18 with personality disorders), but they've hinted that they might think I have it. Which... I've known for a long time. I know I have it.

    I totally agree, but they don't, and there's really not much I can do about it. I've said plenty of times that I'm open to trying new meds, but they don't let me.
     
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Once you turn 18 and are a adult you can make more decisions to your care and i hope you find a pdoc that will listen to you and help you find the meds becuase they do help i have seen it. hugs to you
     
  12. Xscapeply

    Xscapeply Well-Known Member

    Yeah... I hope so too... it's just so long to wait.
     
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