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9 Days Till Death

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Mar 15, 2008.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member



    I wonder what it will be like on the other side? Last time i had did it and came so so very close to not coming back, i was in darkness but i had no pain...

    i often ask myself the very question is it worth it to be in darkness and yet there would be no pain?

    I have often asked myself why? Why will the ones who clamed to truly love me not help me heal?

    Do you know that the only thing that will fully help me to heal my heart is the truth?? I just want to know the truth! i just need to know the truth.. That is the only thing that will set me free..

    Some say to just forget about it and go on, but i am not the type of person that can do that. My heart will not let me do that, why will it not let me? because i care. I have a heart that is bleeding so much inside. Call it guilt, call it hurt, call it whatever you care to call it but i call it the nature of Jesus and GOD. Why say it is the nature of God? Well if someone or several has gotten hurt then it not only hurt them it has hurt GOD.

    I need peace and i need my heart healed but it cant be healed until i know the truth of what went wrong. That is the step i seek and if you truly love me then you want me to not suffer anymore then you have got to take that step to tell me what happened and if it is not at all about me then why have me worry about it? if it is about me then tell me cause with holding info and keepiing it a secret to me you think you are keeping me from pain then you got a lot to learn cause its hurting me more then ever and each and every day that goes by without me knowing that pain grows and grows.

    i am spiritually, physically, and emotionally too drained to continue on with the games with my heart those in the know need to tell me now, now is the time, cause i am exhausted and i cant continue on. that statement above * 9 days to death * is a promise to myself , i cant continue on like this. i am too drained to do it. either you help me to heal or you dont? that is your choice and the choice i make is mine.. no B.S. about this post, real and honest statements...

    thinking you are keeping me from pain by not telling me what happened is the worst you can ever do to me. i asked you for the answers. if i cant have peace and heal my heart then i am gone cause i will not have it in the afterlife either, i would be a earth bound spirit either lingering in a dead body or a ghost stuck in between worlds..

    i need the answers, i need to put my mind and heart at rest, i cant even begine to heal.. I AM TRYING TO HELP MYSELF THAT IS WHY I COME TO THIS FORUM AND WHY I PLEAD AND BEG WITH THOSE IN THE KNOW AND THE DALTONS... you want me out of your life then you gotta help me. i cant heal and i cant just forget it and go on GOD does not work that way. you preached it, you preached on it, one unrepented sin can keep you from heaven, how can i repent if i know not what i may have did or if it was just something my niece did? you cant make me wait until i am on my death bed. the time is now... I want answers now...


    and i do scan all my calls through my answering machine. i will not pick up unless i know who you are, i got 9 days ...
  2. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    I wish I had answers for you. :cry:

    I must ask you.... your pain is purely physical? Or mental?

    You see I have been suffering from mental anguish for so long... I've taken it out on myself but rarely others(only when absolutely forced). And being young I know that this mental pain is by far out-doing any physical pain I have experienced so far in my life. And I've seen people in extreme physical pain yet still with the strong will to live... people that are literally dying cling still to their lives.

    I'm guessing it's mental strength that does this to someone... but everyone has a different level of mental strength.

    How is it for you?
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Well put it this way.

    i am physically , spiritually, and emotionally drained..

    i need answers and those who know the truth , who have the answers i seek, and who are the only ones who can help me heal are refussing to do just that.

    I cant heal my heart until that part of me is healed and i cant heal that part of me until i get the answers to many questions, namly one is i need to know the truth of what happened..

    they are keeping it from me thinking that if i knew the truth somehow it would hurt me yet what they fail to realize is that to keep it from me is keeping me in this pain.. i cant just forget and go on, not if it is something to keep me from entering into heaven by, understand????

    a phone call, a dang simple phone call or letter or email telling me the truth of what happened will be or rather would be a major step in my emotional health so i can heal..

    when i first come here i was wanting to try and help ease my pain and i figuered that to do that if i help others ease their pain maybe it would help me. that has failed.. that is not what will help me and i have come to realize that much aboyut myself.. the only thing that will help me is the truth.. i need to know what happened, was it my fault, was it because of my niece? i need to know and if it has nothing to do with me then i need to know that also so i can forget this whole mess and move on into the after life in peace.

    i have little time left and i can feel that in my body , i know for a fact i have little time.. i need this to have peace, in order for me to heal in my heart i need the truth..

    they are refusing that, refusing my pleas and i have evev begged, well no more miss nice white dove. i am too emotionally , spiritually and physically drained to fight anymore. i want the answers and i want them now.

    if they want to be stubbern and refuse to help me heal, then they dont really care and never really cared for me in the first place, then i will be just as stubbern and just go , cause if they are not willing to help me then i am not going to put any effort into helping myself either.. i came hjere to face my demons, which i have done.. i now know what i need to heal and that is the truth..

    its up to them now cause i give up. i am way too drained to fight or go on.. it stops this week.. if they cant care enough to help me then i dont care enough to help myself either and they will see me in a casket soon, now rather they see my and know in their heart that i passed in peace and went to heaven is up to them now...

    if i seem mad, well your darn tooting i am.. i am fed up.. i want the truth and i want it now.. God demands it and so do i.. they refuse to help me have some closer then i am outta here and i refuse to seek the help and i will refuse to help myself with everything, including my cancer and research center and all i will quit all of it..

    people say you have to love yourself, well i did that.. i loved myself to come here for answers , for a reson to try and go on, to live out the remaining hard painful life of cancer but now that i have found ouyt what it is i need and they are refusing and keeping it secret, well if they want to keep it secret then so be it and i give up.. i totally give up and just die..

    i need the answers and the truth..
  4. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    I wish so much that i could give you the answers which you so desire.

    And i truely hope with all my heart that you get those answers.

    If there is anything i am able to doi, please let me know xxx
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi White Dove. I'm so sorry that you are suffering so badly. I'm guessing that you would like to know the truth about how your trailer burned down? Was it arson or was it simply an accident? I don't have the answers hun. Only the person who did this can tell you the truth. But does it really matter? God really does love you and He doesn't want you to continue suffering. You have to pick up the pieces and move on. If it was arson then the police will investigate and hopefully find the arsonist. If it was an accident then you will have to deal with person who did it. They were just material possessions. The important thing is that no one died in the fire. Please find the strength to carry on. Let Jesus into your heart so that you can begin to heal. :hug:
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Susan hun, giving ultimatums such as "tell me or i die rarely works". It is not fair to you, nor is it fair to those involved. You may never know the answers to your questions. Maybe it isn't as simple as you would think. I know you have spoken about the things involving your neice and i am sorry i don't recall them right now. i wish that you would recieve what you ask for and be able to accept it for what it is, but i am not sure that is possible. Please do not give yourself a time limit such as this. Then it makes you feel you are locked in and have no choice when that date arrives. None of us wish to see you harm yourself any further. :hug:
  7. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    that is part of it, but not the main thing that is bothering me so much.

    it was ARSON plain and simple, there were no lights and the guy is bragging about doing it and getting away with it. i have people coming up to me on the street telling me that he is bragging about doing it, says he burnt and thought it was cool.. even my niece at school had a boy in her class come up to her just out of the blue and tell her that he was there and thought it was cool said the neighbor poured kerosene inside it and lit it on fire and said it went up so fast, etc.. this kid even thought it was so cool..

    The police failed to fully investigate it cause the stupid fire department said on the police report that the trailor was of no value and had nothing of value in it because they took everything the neighbor said was true.. i even asked the police to give him a lie dectecter test but nooo they just want to believe him and not me. it is not fair.. that is only part of what happened.. i did not have insurance and i cant afford to rebuild or even buy cause no loan company is going to loan money to get another one to someone who lives off of just 400 per month..

    that is not what is really bothering me though, but thanks for your kind and warm thoughts, thanks to all of you who replied..:hug:
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thanks hun :hug:

    but it looks like i might just go way before that date.

    i dont like setting dates and i dont want to but i need the answers to move on, heck just a phone call saying everything is okay, i am not hurt as badly as you think etc, would work just fine for me, but they dont even care to do that.

    for Christ sake, i am not a mind reader and it is really bothering me.. i cant even get a good nights sleep... but from the looks of things i might just be gone sooner and not be entirely my hands either with what happened this morning.. it will be posted in the proper forum here..

    i need to heal but i cant heal without the things i need...

    why do they let me continue like this?

    why do they want me to hurt? you know i was once told by the minister that he wanted the hurting to stop, well to me it looks like that was a lie, i just need closer on this.. why cant they just tell me?

    screw the FBI, screw the Damn goverment, etc.. Did you know that the goverment causes more people then you would ever think to commit suicide?? thats not fiction that is a known fact, look it up??

    but in the next few days i dont really know what will happen.. my body is changing fast and it looks as if i am going before i get a chance to do anything to myself... these next 3 or 4 days will be interesting, i just wish that i can get that peace before i get gone... cause if i do not i will be like a ghost or an earthbound spirit...
  9. marychris

    marychris Member

    Please stay here with us. I know how bad you are feeling because I have been there so many times before. You can talk to me if you need to. That is why we are all here.
  10. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Yo knw tht is the sam nam as my brohr an his wif nam is.

    chrs an mar.

    I gt to go. it is my tim to go. i cat thik to wel tonit. my min clody . i hav hard pan an ben haviog blod comig thro me nw. it ws brigt red now maron lokig. i am kid of wek nw.

    Di not go ta ER . i jus wana go. i jus wan go. i trid to get pec an i ned to knw if i ws forgivn by sevrl peopl but the di nt respo to my ple, if the cat forgv me then neiter can GOD.

    i loved thm so muc but thy di nt lov me. i hurt thm an let othrs hur thm, tht ws wron on my prt an i cam her to ask thm to forgiv me an pled with them bt thy don nt car wht hapns t me.

    i ned ed that pec an ws trying ta hold on til i got tht bt i ws not worh it to thm. my heart, my min ws nt worth it to thm. i cat hol on any mor. i ws tring to but it is nt meant fo me to

    i hop they can know tht somday, i hop they reliz tht i lovd thm very much. i hop tha somday thy can forgiv me an my famiy fo the pain. i rely do..
  11. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please go to the hospital White Dove. You could have internal bleeding. Don't wait until it's too late.
  12. Kimi

    Kimi Well-Known Member


    Where are you now? Please respond to us..
  13. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    White dove, How are you?
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