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[poeticxxxtragedy]

gahhhh. i just need to get some shit off my chest. the past few months have just been horrbile. my cutting has gotton way out of controll. things at home have fallen apart. i cant talk to my so called friends anymore. my problems are "too much" for them. a few weeks ago my mom went back into the hospital. she has told me countless times that i`m a mistake. i make her life harder and i`m the reason why she takes too many pills. that felt great to hear =] thanks mom. my dad and i used to get along really good. i dont know what happned. he`s never here. he`s back on drugs. the only time we talk is him yelling at me. i`m failing 3 out of 4 classes at school. i have a really hard time sleeping. last time my life was this screwy was 2 years ago and i thought i was done with the cutting and just being sad. i honestly don`t even cry anymore. i havent cried in at least a month. my legs arms and stomach hurt so bad. there in constant pain and now i`m even starting to walk with a limp. i really want to tell someone about my s.i. exscpecialy now that a deep cut is badly infected =/ but i don`t know who or how? nobodys knows how bad i want to stop. i really do but i just can`t seem to cope without it. about a month or so ago i tried killing myself. woke up the next morning, alive, obviously and i never told anyone about that. the only thing really stopping me from suicide is me thinking i can leave when i`m 18 but now, god, i don`t know what the hell i`m gonna do with my life? honestly things just seem to be getting worse =/ as i`m typing this right now my mom is in the other room slumped over in a chair, way over medicated on pills, trying to light a cigarette. both my parents have been pill poppers scicne i can remeber =/. ithink by now i should be used to seeing them like this but it still really really gets to me. ah. i dont know =/. i don`t have anyone to talk to anymore. i told my dad i wanted to go to counsling a few weeks ago and you know what he did? he laughed in my face and told me i don`t know shit about real problems. hah right dad. sometimes i`m so tempted to just roll up my pantleg, lift up my shirt, show them my arms and say something like your making me do this but i know its not them. it`s my choice to keep doing it and it`s there choice to keep taking pills =/. ah. i don`t know. if anyone accutaly read this, thank you<3.