911 calls, panic attacks, heartbreak, and near death experiences! All rolled in one

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Mr. E, Nov 30, 2011.

  1. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    /Begin rant/

    Yesterday night my boyfriend and I broke up for the second and presumably final time. It was devastating. It didn't help that I was under a lot of stress from my other academic and professional obligations. I have been playing catch-up with my work, since I was recently rushed to the E.R. and was hospitalized for several days for an acute viral infection that produced some serious abdominal complications. My boyfriend stayed by my hospital bed every night as I healed, holding my hand and sleeping in the chair next to me, and being totally amazing. Less than a month later, the relationshp is over. The reasons for this were multi-layered, which is another story entirely.

    I was suicidal. I won't explain the methods, but the success rate is high, and I was flirting with it about as intimately as one possibly could. So I did what they say to do. I called a friend, who, upon arrival, immediately decided that she was not equipped to talk to me in the state that I was in, and instead called a suicide hotline in my presence. I was aggravated, sitting on the floor in my room next to the item that I was going to use to end my life, that seemed innocuous enough that she didn't seem notice it or assume it to be dangerous.

    The person on the suicide hotline wanted to talk to me; I gave her succinct and uncooperative responses, and was not willing to divulge any information about myself or the circumstances surrounding my feelings. I felt that this conversation was completely unnecessary. The person then told my friend that she should either take me to the psychiatric E.R. or call 911. Call ends, and my friend issues me the ultimatum. I told her that I was not going to do either, so she takes my phone and procedes to try to dial 911.

    At this point I try to get the phone from her but she pulls away, moving around the room, hopping on top of my bed to get away from me. I end up wrestling with her to get the phone to stop her from calling, trying my hardest to do this without causing her any physical harm. I succeed for the most part, but this ends with us both on the floor, and eventually my hands on the phone preventing her from sliding it open and dialing. She then proceeds to have a panic attack.

    We're on the floor together, I'm holding the phone in my hand, caressing her as she endured the panic attack, and as she breaks down and cries shortly thereafter. All the while I feel angry, deeply ashamed, and still suicidal.

    At this point she asks to call her boyfriend and our other neighbor over (they all live across the hall); I allow her, and they come. She relays the story, I confirm its validity, and then some weird intervention-like, "we-care-about-you-and-want-to-help" thing ensues, to which I respond with a flat and detached demeanor. One of my neighbors is training to be a clinical therapist (as am I, and in the same program. Irony, huh.); he engaged me the most in the discussion. This goes on for a while, I apologize to everyone, they make me promise not to attempt suicide again that night, and not again until I see a therapist at least once; they could not get me to promise that I wouldn't ever try it again, but I could give them those two things. My word is as solid as anything, so I will honor it. They all hugged me goodbye, and I went to sleep.

    I feel as though this is the beginning of a slow separation. I feel as those I have alienated the only people really present in my life. I am burden to all of them, and I will bring them pain the day that I finally end my life. At least one of them, my friend that I called, will feel guilty and torn apart for what essentially amounts to eternity, as she puts it.

    I'm never calling for help again--this will be the only result. The thing is, I feel angry, because this escalated to a point where it never needed to reach. I've had nights like this plenty of times before, and granted, the level of lethality in my methods increases ever so slightly each time, but I've also survived each time; this night wasn't any different. I felt as though having someone to talk it over, to process it, was all I needed. Hell, even if she hadn't answered my text--it was late after all--then I would have endured it alone, and in all likelihood survived it alone, like I do every other time.

    So I'm never calling again. And I think I'm slowly losing my friends. At least then, with that extra boost of depression from complete isolation, it might give me enough motivation to finally rid myself of this suffering. Apologies for the morbidity.

    /End rant/
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: 911 calls, panic attacks, heartbreak, and near death experiences! All rolled in o

    well hun if you call wolf so many times you have to expect someone to do something okay You cannot put that pressure on her and not expect her to sit there and let you try again. It is unfair position you put her in god no wonder she had a panick attack I am sorry but you were not thinking about her at all in all this i myself would have called as would anyone else i do believe that

    I do hope next time YOU can do the right thing and get yourself to hospital and get help okay you deserve help so get it.
     
  3. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    Re: 911 calls, panic attacks, heartbreak, and near death experiences! All rolled in o

    total eclipse: I appreciate your response and respect your opinion. For the sake of clarity, perhaps I should add some context:

    This wasn't the first time I've reached out to her. This person knows me and my issues better than anyone; we're very close. We've had extensive discussions about my depression, and she's even been there for me when I was in an even worse state in the past. It's just that recently, she's been feeling exasperated with me and all of her other stressors, and is quick to dismiss something as beyond her ability to handle, without even assessing it first.

    In the last few months she has been more and more reluctant to talk with me about my depression, even casually, in a situation that's not even remotely close to being a crisis. Her response: "I can't deal with it, take it elsewhere." Had this been, say 7 months ago, the outcome would have been totally different. She would have actually had a conversation with me instead of immediately concluding that she couldn't even speak to me at all. I wasn't inarticulate or out of control; I wasn't even hardly crying; I was simply feeling really down and I needed someone to talk to. She decided that she couldn't, and so it went way farther than it should have.


    Summary: No one needs to get rushed to a hospital every time they're feeling down. Sometimes, a depressed person just needs someone to talk to, and they'll be fine. Other times, they may actually need a hospital, but I assure you, this wasn't one of those times that I needed a hospital; I just needed to talk. Had she at least TRIED that, this situation would have never gotten to the point that it did. But she didn't want to expend energy in trying to talk, or ascertain the seriousness of the situation; she barely even asked me any questions, and she didn't even know of my attempt. She just wanted to immediately pass the situation on to something/someone else right away, and took a course of action that was way more extreme than was warranted.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Re: 911 calls, panic attacks, heartbreak, and near death experiences! All rolled in o

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way...I was wondering how much shame is involved in your feelings after this event? I know, for me, when I get myself 'embroiled' in something like that ( and I have several times), I feel so ashamed, that I cannot see things clearly at all...also, because this was not handled in the most graceful manner does not mean you should not reach out again...please remember these people seemed to care about you (as best as I can read) and tried their best...and also remember, you deserved to be cared for...wishing you better times as there seems to be so much on your plate right now...please PM me if I can remind you that you do count...J
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: 911 calls, panic attacks, heartbreak, and near death experiences! All rolled in o

    I understand hun and i am sorry she does not seem to have the energy anymore hun to listen Perhaps she is too tired herself fighting her own battles maybe Just know i too hope you continue to reach out okay especially here where people do understand hugs to you
     
  6. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    Re: 911 calls, panic attacks, heartbreak, and near death experiences! All rolled in o

    I feel like this is only place where people understand... i'm grateful for it.
     
  7. Crashland

    Crashland Well-Known Member

    Re: 911 calls, panic attacks, heartbreak, and near death experiences! All rolled in o

    I think I understand you, Mr. E.

    I find it impossible to make (my only) caring friend understand that I don't want a solution from them, there is no solution anyway, I just need some understanding. Space to talk.

    Yet they get stressed out because they can't help; can't change my state of mind, that is. It gets them down so they choose to say they can't deal with it and I should seek professional help

    Which makes me feel betrayed. I perhaps just want their hug, reassuring words, whatever, but definitely do not want to be seen as a "case" that they can't handle.

    I stopped asking for help, too. I'm only doing it online, anonymously.
     
  8. dice

    dice Well-Known Member

    Re: 911 calls, panic attacks, heartbreak, and near death experiences! All rolled in o

    I think your friend really does care otherwise they would not be there in the first place. You may claim they overreacted but the fact that they had this reaction proves just how much they care. You said this wasn't one of those times where you needed to go to the hospital but also talk about having quick access to something to kill yourself with. It sounds like you really were in a suicidal state, or at least were that way from her persective and I probably would have reacted the same way in their shoes.

    On a more positive note though I saw the link in your signature and am now the newest member of your LGBT club.
     
  9. dice

    dice Well-Known Member

    Re: 911 calls, panic attacks, heartbreak, and near death experiences! All rolled in o

    I think your friend really does care otherwise they would not be there in the first place. You may claim they overreacted but the fact that they had this reaction proves just how much they care. You said this wasn't one of those times where you needed to go to the hospital but also talk about having quick access to something to kill yourself with. It sounds like you really were in a suicidal state, or at least were that way from her perspective and I probably would have reacted the same way in their shoes.

    On a more positive note though I saw the link in your signature and am now the newest member of your LGBT club.
     
  10. Rebeccah

    Rebeccah New Member

    Re: 911 calls, panic attacks, heartbreak, and near death experiences! All rolled in o

    we will get through this x
     
  11. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    Re: 911 calls, panic attacks, heartbreak, and near death experiences! All rolled in o

    @Crashland - you've basically captured my entire experience in a nutshell. Sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. I guess this is a natural reaction from others who simply can't relate

    @dice. I agree- she does care. And yay for joining the LGBT club! ^_^


    It's been a weird month since this happened. I pretty much feel estranged from my only friends. A week after this event happened the 3 of them invited me over to discuss the incident. They wrote me a letter outlining what they saw as three stages of distress that I may experience, that is as follows:

    Tier 1 – "Normal everyday stresses" - This is like, "I had a rough day," "I got a flat tire," "the boss is really riding me," etc. general everyday stressors. They say that they’re an excellent resource for this. Great.

    Tier 2 – "More pronounced personal distress" - This is, as they put it, clinical issues. They say they cannot help me here because they are not “qualified” to do so and that I should speak with a therapist for these problems. Basically any and all things above Tier 1 fall into this category. So any “real” problems; depression, mild or otherwise, any sadness, anything that actually requires comfort, all fit in this category. As far as I see it, nothing in Tier 1 actually requires comfort.

    Tier 3 – "Imminent Threat" - This is a complete suicide attempt, or post-completion I suppose. Either way a 911 call is the result.

    So, aside from superficial things like griping about work or school, they don’t feel as though they are the appropriate resource for me to speak to about any problems in my life. This is an issue for me for two reasons: First, because I am and have always been willing to be a source of solace, comfort, and consultation to all of my friends—I feel as though that the right thing to do as a friend. In this case, I am willing to give to my friends what they are not willing to give to me, which is inequitable and troublesome. Secondly, I definitely feel like this isn’t the norm. I’ve never had a close friendship with someone without talking about heavier issues than that; it’s what develops closeness. Seriously, everything that actually matters I have to keep to myself or talk to a therapist over it?

    Anyways, happy holidays people
     
  12. dice

    dice Well-Known Member

    Re: 911 calls, panic attacks, heartbreak, and near death experiences! All rolled in o

    I am a little conflicted on this one. I do think for the Tier 2 and Tier 3 stuff you probably should be talking about this with a professional. I imagine your friends want to help you and want to see you better but again they aren't qualified as therapists. I think your friends are trying to do the right thing in making your go to your therapist first for advice with these issues. I just think that you should still be able to talk about your own problems with your friends.

    Putting your friends in the tier 3 situation is a little rough. It is very stressful having to talk someone out of suicide and they probably don't want to be the person that fails to stop you from killing yourself. I'm sure they still want you around but they would rather have you talking to someone more appropriate.

    I really hope you don't get the feeling like your friends don't care. If this were true they wouldn't have bothered still being your friend in the first place. I think they may be a little lost but still wish the best for you.

    I love the Raven quote in your signature. That's my one and only poem that I actually like. I don't know how I missed it last time but I guess the LGBT Club was really colorful so maybe that's what got my attention.
     
  13. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    Re: 911 calls, panic attacks, heartbreak, and near death experiences! All rolled in o

    I know it's a complicated issue; really appreciate your feedback though.

    I feel like there has to be something in between Tier 1 and Tier 2. Tier 1 sounds like nothing more than a casual acquaintance. I've always known real friends to be there for you when times are tough. I've had such friends before, those offering a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. But they're saying that they can't be this for me. I would never put them in the Tier 3 position; I wouldn't reach out to them at that point. I would be on my own.

    I will admit that I have been withdrawing from them. Maybe it's partially spite, but it's more a consequence of my feeling uncomfortable and depressed. I get upset every time I'm around them, and I just want to leave. I can't shake this feeling of inauthenticity when they aren't the friend to me that I am willing to be to them.

    This is worsened by the fact that there are four of them, all my neighbors and they are each paired--both pairs have been in a six year + long relationship, and are fairly well-adjusted. This point has bothered me before the incident even happened. I know there's a thread floating around here talking about the sadness evoked by seeing happy couples when you’re single, and I have to experience this constantly.

    The one that I called that night, we used to be close--we did tell each other everything. In the past, she's even come to me with her most intimate problems and cried while I held her. I'm inclined to interpret that as a two way street. But no longer, it seems.

    It's a painful downgrade moving from super-closeness to superficial. The angry part of me wants to say, "you don't get to have me expose all of my vulnerabilities to you, only to decide a year later that you don't want anything to do with them." My close relationship was with that one person--she eventually shared my issues with others because she felt she couldn't bear the burden by herself. So everyone else knows and not because I consented to it- I never wanted my business to be aired out like that.

    ---------- Post added at 03:47 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:46 AM ----------

    Glad you like the Raven quote. :) It's my favorite poem too