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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by castiel, Jan 28, 2012.

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  1. castiel

    castiel New Member

    I don't really know what this should come under as its a bit of everything really...

    Recently I have had the worst mood swings I have ever had. Been going on for a few weeks now. I literally go from being as happy as anything to wanting to kill myself in the space of a few hours. It frightening just how quickly it happens. The most stupid things set me off as well. Normally everyday things that I can relate to upsetting things in my life and I just flip.

    I used to self harm. I stopped a few months ago. Whenever I picked up the knife I didn't want to just feel pain I wanted to die. I forced myself to stop but recently at least 3 times a day I want to do it.

    I tried to kill myself 2 years ago when I was 16 years old. Failed attempt at an overdose.

    I hate absolutely everything about myself. I hate how I look. I hate that even throwing up whatever I eat I still cannot loose weight. I hate how weak I am. I hate that I drive people away. I hate that I am such a loser not even my own family can love me.

    I can only write this when I feel like I do now, that I am nothing. I have no future and I have no one that cares, that I'm just an unwanted burden to the people around me. They would be better off without me. My dad is never around and never speaks to me and my mum is drunk every night. I haven't spoken to my brother in 3 years. I have very few friends and people who I do become friends with I either screw it up or they realise what a freak I actually am and leave.

    Then I recover and I'm back to feeling happy again. It is not an act either. I am happy.

    I can flip like a switch.

    It has been happening more often though now things are getting worse and I have more problems to deal with in life. At least twice a day I feel like suicide. Instead of cutting myself I think of what it would be like to die, how everything would be gone and how no one would have to cope with me any more. It makes me feel happier about dying.

    I don't tell anyone about what I have done. About the feelings I have. No one knows. When it happens I go to my room and don't come out until I'm better again. People will think I am attention seeking. No one has died. I have no right to feel like this, I know that. People who's children and husbands die have the right to feel like this not me. Not some lonely 18 year old girl who has suffered no serious traumatic traumas.

    I guess I just don't know what to do any more.
  2. crystalclear

    crystalclear Well-Known Member

    hi castiel, im sorry going through this. have you seeked professional help regarding your mood swings? You're still young, you could still turn your life around. Honey, if your family can't help you right now perhaps you should seek help from other people. You can post here all you want if it helps you feel better. I hope you feel better.
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