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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    can i do this?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Do what? I hope you are safe...please let me know
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun yu can ask question but no you cannot harm you okay you stay here you stay safe with people who care abt you hugs
  4. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Hey Mo... I know we have never have formally been introduced. I'm Jason!

    I agree. Stay safe, and hang out with us. What's on your mind?
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    i really need an escape tonight
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    please stay safe Mo...we love ya! :hug:
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    So last night was a disaster. The thoughts are there, its knowing what to do. I am unsure whether to reach out to my t or just to keep to myself. No one needs this crap from me, you know? And there is nothing anyone can do to change anything, especially not me.
  8. MoAnamCara, I know exactly how you feel. No one needs to handle the crap we go through. Last night was hell for me too, but I knew that I wasn't going to get any help just curling up in a ball in my room and messing with my knife and lighter.

    So yeah, no one NEEDS or DESERVES to handle the crap we could put on them. But if anyone offers, like we are, we're ignoring that fact and letting it happen. We're helping, on our own choice.

    Can we change anything about it? No. I don't know what is going on in your life, but I know I can't change my situation and I doubt anyone can go back in time and rewrite what happened. BUT we can decide to take that step forward and decide to make the best of what we got, and try to make a good thing out of something awful.
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Yes, its just a huge pity party and don't forget, I am worthless. Fantastic.
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Whats the answer? Will I be THIS selfish?
  11. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Mo... I wish I had all the answers for you. I wish I could reach through the internet and give you a big super bear hug! But alas, I can't, even though I wish I could. We only want to see you thrive without all the baggage that clogs our everyday lives.

    You are loved by many of us here at SF. Rely on us when times are tough.
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Lightbeam - I am really trying, honest. And thank you for responding again.

    Thats why I'm here, I just have the same things to say over and over and even I am over myself, so I can only imagine how others feel. I feel stuck, not knowing what to do, where to turn, how to do things better, how to be better myself. I also feel trapped and theres nothing I can do about that part without being completely selfish. If I could, I would have the disease, but I don't. I know I have to hang on until they are at peace. To me, nothing will matter then.

    Its just so hard, so hard. I'm tired, we are strangers, my heart breaks a little more each day. To survive, I don't know what to do.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2012
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Who really gives a shit? Do I? Am I right for wishing this all be over with? What a twisted mind.

    When you try to reach out but you are unable to grasp anything - whats the answer? Stop trying? Look like a fool and keep trying? Exhaust oneself over and over?
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm scared. Truly scared. Not for only whats going on right now, but for things I may be uncovering about my past. What if suspicions are proven? Even the thought makes me just want to get sick. And then, what do I do? How would I deal, right now, with new information? Would that truly be my breaking point? Its funny in a wierd way, because I feel I am right on the edge currently.

    This is too hard.

    This = life, memories, experiences, feelings, confusion, pain, hurt, being frightened and quite alone.

    Its funny in a sad way how no one that knows me irl REALLY knows me, over the years I've learned to hide a lot because trying to be open and trusting was something I never really developed I suppose. I am wondering now, whats the point? seriously, what is the F-ing point?

    And so I'm back to the point of questioning - how can I do this? And can I?
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Mo have you spoken to your T ?
    if you are uncovering things that will hurt you, you will need your T more than ever for support
    you know we are here for you too and i hope you will continue to share with us
    I can only send cyber *hugs* to you and hope you find the strength to continue on fighting :arms:
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I have, IV. I find it exceedingly difficult to reach out between apts. It feels silly to me, attention seeking and perhaps a little pointless.

    Thank you, keep well.
  17. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I quit, I fucking quit.

    What good is all of this doing me? I want to curl up and just pass. Thats it. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
  18. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    Please stay and talk, I remember reading a thread of yours where you never really say how you feel, but you are saying now. So please stay and talk, I know I won't be able to make whatever you are going through any better. But sometimes it really does help to let it all out. It doesn't make you weak, it doesn't make you pathetic, it makes you strong for understanding what's making you feel bad, makes you strong for going that extra day. Youbalready have gone 3 extra days since you first wrote this.
  19. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I agree with IV, you need the guiding support of your therapist right now. You are lucky to have a therapist. I went to mine for 3 months (1 time a month), before I called it quits. He never called to arrange our appointments. I haven't went for 3 months now. I just got swept under the rug again.

    So, be grateful you have a therapist. They can be a great support, providing you have the right one.
  20. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    personunknown - your signature touched me deeply

    talking can't help.

    edit to add - lightbeam - yes, I am lucky. if i were honest with them, it would help. i have tried, it is difficult. i am sorry you were swept under the rug. i hope you will search again, there are good ones out there.
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