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94 pounds and still fat.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by poisonedXsoul, Feb 16, 2009.

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  1. poisonedXsoul

    poisonedXsoul Active Member

    Everyday I look into my mirror and imagine what could be better. My braces make me look 12, my hairs a mess, my stomach is grotesque. I starve, I binge, I purge. That is my life.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Do you want something more from life than to be focused on your body and negative images of yourself? Of starving, bingeing and purging?
  3. poisonedXsoul

    poisonedXsoul Active Member

    It's always been my life and it's what I control. Everything else is so chaotic.
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Do you want to talk about what is chaotic and why you feel you need control?

    The thing about control, is truly being able to do what you want, when you want, so maybe that might be eating healthily and balanced for a week, or longer or shorter. If you are truly in control, then you would be able to do that. If, however, something was controlling you, but you didn't realise, then maybe you wouldn't be able to do those things. Maybe it's not you controlling your eating, but an eating disorder?

    At 94 pounds you can't possibly be 'fat'. At a push you might be healthy, but that's definitely not fat. Chances are though, you are underweight. It sounds like you have a very warped image of what your body looks like, which means your opinions on how you look are not reliable. Mayb edealing with facts might help you get a more reliable picture of yourself.
  5. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    94 pounds? Fat?

    You weigh less than half of what I do and I'm not even that fat.

    Unless you're under two and a half feet tall I'd say you're pretty thin.
  6. Rachel123

    Rachel123 Well-Known Member

    I'm 5'4 and 140lbs.....and I'm not fat :)

    I'm sure you're not fat.

    Why don't you tell us about your life and why it is so chaotic.
  7. Thinice

    Thinice Well-Known Member

    I'm 5'5 and 98 lbs. I want to get back down to 7 stone exactly and then I'll kind of be happy. People keep telling me I'm not fat, but that's all I see when I look in the mirror.
  8. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    You don't control it. It's controlling you. It makes you starve, it makes you binge, it makes you purge. You're obviously not in control of it at all.
  9. revoltra

    revoltra Well-Known Member

    About the control thing i know exactly what your talking about. I restrict the binge then purge it's an endless cycle. if you want to talk to someone who knows what it's like with an ed just pm me.....
  10. flowerpot

    flowerpot Well-Known Member

    If it makes you feel any better.. i'd do SO much to be anywhere near what you are..
    i know no one else really matters to you (don't mean that as in you're selfish, as in other people can't change the way you think about yourself), but just think of all the people who suffer from obesity & other illnesses
    you're beautiful :sad:
  11. xxicedragonxx

    xxicedragonxx Well-Known Member

    nothing anyone says is going to make you feel like you are not fat.
    my ex has bdd and ednos.
    nothing i said to her would even make her feel the least bit attractive.
    but you have to know... you may think you are fat... you may always... but you should concentrate on being ok with who you are... regardless of what you mind tells you.
    you can have control... but control over making yourself get better.. not thinner... control the eating disorder and that is the best form of control you will ever have.
    and no one can take that away from you.
  12. poisonedXsoul

    poisonedXsoul Active Member

    It's getting out of control. I'm 89 pounds now. Everyone is telling me I'm sooo skinny, but I feel like like I'm a blubbery mess.
  13. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    Have you considered going to see someone professional about this? It sounds like you have a serious problem, and it won't get better if you don't reach out for help. Maybe look up recovery on the internet ? I really hope you get better soon, your weights very low. :sad:
  14. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    I second Mel's concern. You must consider seeking help from a doctor or therapist. It seems your fully aware of your being skinny and yet cannot help yourself otherwise. You've got to get yourself checked out and soon.

    Best wishes.
  15. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    hunni, you need to get some help. i've been there before and it's no fun. 89 pounds is a healthy weight if, say, you're 4'8" or so. otherwise, nope.

    binging, purging, starving yourself, all have so many side effects, i mean there's the obvious ones, like the dental work being permanent (and made worse if you have braces). but you can do yourself nerve damage with anorexia, and if you purge often enough what can happen is that your oesophagus can split open because all the stomach acid has worn it down. it's not exactly nice.

    i understand how you want control, but after a while, as great as it may be at the start, you truly do lose control and all you hear is ana or mia in your head.

    please please please, go and get some help.

  16. poisonedXsoul

    poisonedXsoul Active Member

    I told my dad. He was just like "so you're on the anorexia kick again." I can't afford the help I've known I need for a long time. My boyfriend soesn't understand it. He tries to and I love him for it but he doesn't.
  17. xxicedragonxx

    xxicedragonxx Well-Known Member

    i tried to understnad too... and i even started starving myself so i could really understand. maybe not the best idea because it kinda messed me up with food now, but thats not the point.

    the point is that you sound like you want help... which is amazingly good because a lot of anas do not. you would be suprised as to what help is out there. talk to your local mental hospital... most of the time their outpatient has plans that you can talk to someone and get help for virtually nothing if you do not have insurance... and if you do... the co pay is really small.

    and your dad... needs to be slapped... sorry to say that.
  18. poisonedXsoul

    poisonedXsoul Active Member

    I'm getting a therapist. A lot of other things have gone down, so i told my dad I needed one, before.... I did something stupid. I've gained a little bit of weight...which I'm told is a good thing, to them at least, so I'm 96....thanks for your support. I needed it.
  19. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so glad you're getting a therapist!!! It sounds like you really need the help.

    And I'm glad you gained some weight back too. I know you probably don't see it as a good thing, but it really is.
  20. poisonedXsoul

    poisonedXsoul Active Member

    I never went to a therapist. My dad told me to look into it, leaving it up to me. I really needed someone to take charge. He says since I'm 18 I need to. But I have a feelinig I'm going to keep putting it off. I'm back to 90 pounds, maybe less, it's been a while since I stepped on the scale. I've fell in love with something that makes me not hungry. Adderal.
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