Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Brokengirl123, Apr 20, 2012.
can't do this anymore
Each day is a new horizon to cross. An adventure, though often filled with obstacles, warning signs, dead ends, and road blocks. The journey must go on as there is a destination that is real. Hang in and steer a course.
What are you finding hard to handle, Brokengirl123?
loud ringing all the time docs say incurable have to live with it. can't atand loud noise hyperacusis.
can't think or concentrate.
summer coming can't go out in sun or hot heat.
people comment on my red purple blotchy arms and hands not legs have to cover up. so hot though.
pain everyday cant take painkillers much they hurt my stomach and make ringing worse. same with anti depressants etc
can't do anything. every minute of day. torture. stuck inside not living normal life. nothing normal about me anymore.
cant go outside, cant go cinema, cant exercise too much pain, cant eat what i want, wont have children, still at home at 27 with debt, cant be around people it is too noisy too embarressing. cant even read or watch a movie without riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing so loud now too loud and annoying.
tried everything to help myself, swear to the lord have done things most people wouldnt be able to help myself am so desperate. everything permanent going to get worse potentially, nothing curable. only living with it.
cant live with it all. cant live like this. not even for the ones i love.
every minute hell. must be in hell. only explanation.
if there was pill which put me to sleep i would take it this minute. i would do that every minute of day for past few months. cope cope cope twenty years of coping with one thing then the next then the next. enough for one human being. ENOUGH.
cant do what my dad did not fair on my mum. need painless as possible or instantaneous way that can do outside the house.
gone gone gone im gone
im sorry that you are going through this. maybe out of all this crap you are dealing with you can find something interesting to do to take your mind off things. forget about all the bs for a moment and just do something you like and makes you happy? you probably have already tried lots of things. sorry im rubbish at giving advice but i could not help but reply. i hope you feel better soon
That is so much to handle Brokengirl123, I wish I could help.
Is there nothing that can be done for the ringing?
Where does the pain come from?
And your light allergy must be hard to deal with. Remember those who comment on your skin are shallow and not worth your time.
I hope you can find the strength to continue, this world is not hell but it can be like it sometimes, as I think you know.
nothing other than hoping for a miracle or rehabituation which basically translates as learning to ignore. I could at lower levels but not this loud.
I wish I could hide my problems and keep the feelings inside but they are not ignorable by me or anyone else. I wish this was just a brain chemical thing that i could work hard at and still be able to do things in life even if I didn't feel happy I could still drag my body out and about and appear 'normal' ish. Everyone can see from me and the way I have to live I am a freak.
I am still trying everything I can to help myself and all my problems, the diet and cleanses, the meditation the supplements/herbs the machines eft positive thinking..so many many things but why do I bother...I think only because at least now am I ready to take the final step I can say I tried right up until the very end, I did all I could.
Thank you for being so kind to reply. I know nobody can cure my problems and I can not follow most other advice given on here. It makes me feel selfish and stupid and ignorant and I don't deserve to reach out for your help. I try not to because I know I can't be helped but I am so desperate so low so very very very sad at how I have to live.
Maybe I can help others at least by allowing them to see that even though things are bad for them there is still so much they can do, and maybe they can keep going and living. I always wanted to help people in life so if using me as an example helps them then that is something at least, at least I wasn't here for nothing. If things were different I would do even more.
I either get it over with now or I keep suffering a bit more but it will happen one way or the other because as things get even worse I will never ever be able to continue. So what do I do, do it now or suffer. I am not bothered about unfinished business really, doesn't mean anything once I am gone. I write letters to mum and L all the time so they know how I feel. I will just do one more to tell them I love them but I cannot think right or do anything int his broken shell I am suffering. They wouldn't want me to keep suffering like this forever. It's inhuman. They need to belive I am going to a better happier place and we will be reunited again soon.
hold on, listen to me, you're young yet, don't doubt science or herbs, a cure or way to alleviate your afflictions might get discovered next week, next month, or maybe its already there, you just haven't found it...
its early yet..
you do not have permission to go, got it?!
I have pmed you, pls reply
Firstly, just to reiterate, people who judge you harshly for your physical health are idiots.
I assume you have talked to other sufferers, is there a forum?
I cannot imagine what you go through, I admire your strength and hope you can cope, one day at a time. Feel free to PM if you want to talk more, or tell me more about your situation.
For the ringing, have you done more than meditation and herbs? I assume you have - what have the doctors found to be the problem? What treatment have they tried? Have you gone for second opinions if those doctors are not finding cause and cure?
Thank you for your replies everyone. SLam I pm'd you back but it lost it when I went to post as it said I wasn't logged in anymore. I am running out of time now to write I have to go.
I sat with my 3 packs of imovane sleep pills in the bathroom for 2 hours crying last night but thought what is the point I will probably puke up or only end up in the hospital with damaged organs and I cannot afford to do that. I wish I could have a heart attack and go naturally to spare everyone but that will never happen so why wait and hope.
I am so lost. I don't know what to do. Last night I could tell that soon I won't even care about the pain of death or how I will be found, I can't think rationally.
I have to go to my grandparents until tomorrow as it is their birthday I don;t know how I am going to hold it together I really don't I'm a mess I have a bedroom there from when I used to live there so I guess I will hide in there but I have no internet.
I will come back to this thread tomorrow when I get home and respond better and answer questions. I am sorry I am such a mess everyone. I am so so sad.
You have no need to be sorry, you need help and you are trying to reach out, well done.
Hope your time at your grandparents. Do you have a good relationship?
Well done for resisting last night, you are strong.
I just wanted to tell you that I have the utmost respect and admiration for fighting through such adversity!! I don't think that I could do it. But I do believe that it shows what great heart, courage and character you have. I wish I had some easy answers for you, but truthfully, coming from some one who is - for lack of a better - simply depressed, there are no easy answers. Nonetheless, I wish you the absolute best, Brokengirl123. -MisterBGone
hope you had a graceful weekend
hi just to say I am back. The weekend wasn't too great. I spent a lot of time trying to not cry and hiding away whenever possible but I smiled as best I could for my grandma. My grandad is blind but he could sense I was not right the same as the last two visits and I don;t want them to worry they are far too old so I tried my absolute best and last night when I got home I cried my heart out again and punched my head against the wall I just want to not exist anymore.
re the ringing they do not know the cause, it is not an infection or sinuses or tmj, I thought my neck and shoulder problems could be contributing but I spent £200 on an osteopath to help but it made no difference. I think they are just damaged from the accutane and noise damage. I have done cleanses, fasts, eat right, drink ozonated h2o I do the bob beck protocol including the bio tuner for the brain, taken drugs, still take herbs and supplements like goldenseal, gingko, zinc, fish oil, well loads, too many to list. I have cut stuff out, tried withdrawing supplements, tested lots of different methods and all to no avail. And the worst thing is even if the ringing did magically go away I am still left with a mass of other problems which impact my life terribly and screw me up mentally. So as you can see I am a lost cause. I pray everyday now to either give me a miracle and let me go back to how I was half my life ago or to give me relief and let me die naturally so I do not have to do the worst. I change my idea of a method every hour it seems. It is going to painful and possibly unsuccessful no matter which way you look at it.
This is all just too much and I can not go on much longer. It has been a life of misery and is now torture.
Thank you windlepoons, and thank you misterbgone you are very kind and your responses mean more than I can say in words. xxxxx
I am sorry that you had a hard weekend. I hope your head is ok, please try not to hurt yourself like that too much as it will not help the ringing.
Accutane does list that as a side effect. Do you still take it?
It sounds like you have worked on it a lot. I assume you have seen a specialist?
Your other issues, well sometimes tackling one at once is best. If the ringing cannot be helped, then look at one of your other issues.
May I ask, what happened 'half your life ago' to change things?
Well I took accutane about 3 and a half years ago so I have been off it for 2 and 3/4 years. It was quite a strong dose but the dermatologist assured me it was the average does...maybe it was but that stuff is poison and I have been one of the unlucky ones who have has suffered permanent damage which is supposed to be rare. Looks like I am the rare case
I have seen a lot of doctors and dermatologists and and ent specialist and in short because none of this stuff is literally 'killing me' eg like terminal cancer, then I just have to live with it and that is that....that is the majority answer. But I haven't given up, I keep looking for new paths. 80% of doctors will not own up to accutane having done the damage as they are not allowed to. Except Dr Chu, a famous dermatologist over the world who specialises in acne as he had it himself, and he has hundreds of patients seeing him due to accutane damage, mainly for induced rosacea. He knows how lethal this drug is. This stuff is banned in some countries or has been re-issued under a new name to continue making money becasue there will always be some desperate person like me who has had bad acne for years and wants to get rid of it so they can get on with life and contribute to society. They should ban it altogether or use it only for extreme cases. I denied it 3 times until I was 22 and it all got too much - my acne wasn't terrible at that specific time it was just because I didn't want more dsifiguring scars so I caved. Stupid me, trying to make things better so I can live a 'normal' life. Now I am screwed up beyond hope. It is all my fault I had said no for 8 years and then I caved cos I had graduated and needed to get a job and couldn't face doing it with acne again it killed my confidence. Now I have wrecked my body up and I will never do anything with confidence again. I had sensitive skin and my vascular system was weak anyway so I never stood a chance.
There a few that have reached out like me. But there is no help. What is done is done. I know people like me who took it as an experiment years before I was even born and to this day they suffer. Of course I wish I could go back in time I hate myself and I blame myself but at the same time, acne is a horrible debilitating thing and I was so desperate and young and naive - I wish a doctor had looked out for me. But they make too much money on this stuff and that is what counts in the world isn't it. Not people's health. Money.
Half my life ago windlepoons I was 13yrs old...that is when I got started getting acne. I guess i See that as the start of the downward spiral of it all. It is what lead me here if you get what I mean. If I knew then what I know now - if only. I wouldn't have even touched antibiotics. Lots of other stuff has happened in life even before then don't get me wrong- domestic violence, severe bullying, eating disorders, then my dad killing himself when I was 16 - but really I could live with all that stuff. Even my dad's death I eventually accepted. It wasn't easy in the slightest but all that stuff, well it didn't stop me doing most things in life and it didn't make me want to die.
I literally have spent thousands of pounds trying to help myself. Now there is only counselling, CBT therapy and 'accepting it' and living this way. I guess I can't. I still try everyday even when I want to die, I try to help myself.
It is funny that you are from north yorkshire windlepoons, I am from there, up until a year or so ago when we moved.
That is such bad luck. I see that you blame yourself for your situation, but from here I think you took a gamble, and you lost. You feel unhappy as you feel you caved. But at 22, I suspect you thought you were one of the unlucky ones that never gets over acne? You balanced having that for life against the risks of accutane and thought it was worth it. And now you blame yourself for that?
You have dealt with a lot, so sorry that your dad took his own life. Are you out of the bullying/violence/eating disorder situations now?
Its a lovely area. I do feel lucky, especially when I go to big cities.