:'(

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by lotte, Jul 8, 2012.

  1. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    Before you read this, i just want to warn you that i ranted and complained. Don't read this if ranting/ complaining frustrates you. Thank you. :)

    I have an imaginary boyfriend that talks to me in my head all day and comforts me when i'm sad. But he's not real, whenever i tell myself that, i just burst into tears and want to start cutting. I can't take the fact that he's not real because he's my best friend, the person i know the closest. i can't take it anymore. i have social anxiety and never talk to anyone. I've never been in a relationship. I'm very lonely and my boyfriend is the only thing that makes the lonliness go away. But deep down, i know that he's not real. But just reminding myself of that is really triggering, though i feel that i have to. I spend all day with him, just sitting and talking with him in my head. That's the only thing i do, all day. But he doesn't exsist! He's not true. And every day when he comforts me and tells me that it's all going to be okay and that he will make all the bad things go away and we exchange i love yous and he wraps his arms around me like a ghost, i can only help to think that there is really no one there comforting me, no one else sleeping in my bed with me at night, no one pushing away the demons. I can't help but noticing, how truly alone i am. Why is he not real, and how do i even know that he's not, maybe he was my lover in a past life and now he just lives in my head. :cry: :cry: I hate myself so much. When we are joking around, and my mom asks me why i'm laughing, i just don't know what to tell her anymore. I don't know what i'll tell her if her mommy senses are tingling and she bursts into my room magically knowing i'm sad, and she'll ask what i'm crying about. and i can't tell her. and then i'll get more upset, because when my boyfriend tells me it's okay, i'll tell him to shew away because he's not real and he's just messing with my head. Wholy f***! She did burst into my room! Why am i not allowed to cry? She never lets me cry :cry: :cry: Why the f does she always know when i'm crying, i don't make any noise. I wish she would let me cry. It's so painful. Because i can admit to myself that he's not real, but at the same time, what's real and what's not in this world? And when i tell myself that he's not real, i miss him. I miss him a whole whole lot right now, so this is why i'm typing this, to try to calm down and let it out. Deep breaths i guess :cry: I want to see him in front of me and kiss his hands and hold him in my arms. I miss him a lot. :cry: :cry: Damn parents, just let me cry, please, please, it's just not healthy if you don't let me cry. And where is he now? :cry: I just wish he could come back. And she came in again, i wish she would kill me so i don't have to worry about her worrying about me. Are these thoughts that i'm having normal? I just prof read this and i sound like a pyscho!
     
  2. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    Sorry, just to warn you again, i ranted.

    I just want someone to save me. I just really want to be saved. I feel like there are so many bad things happening in this world, just think of how many people died in between the time i wrote the above post until now. I wonder how many of those people were ever actually cared about. Think of all of the people in history who have been tortured to death. There is a lot. Think of the innocent ones. Think of all the ones that we can't save. The ones that we could save, but didn't. Why? Why? Why? These thoughts won't leave me alone. They completely destroy me; I'm completely destroyed. There is no hope of awakening the world to this ceaseless suffering. Why do people just turn their heads? How can we be so sick as to just watch it all unravel, but never directly stare this murder in the eye? This gutted black eternity will have no end and no beginning. And all i can do is just lie in my bed, in a stateless cloud of thought. I can't change all of the bad stuff that happens. I can't control it. I can't wish it away. I feel so very alone
     
  3. triedtoomanytimes

    triedtoomanytimes Well-Known Member

    Sounds totally understandable to me. Wanting to be loved, wanting to live your own life, feeling guilt for all the ill that's happened in the world, feeling lonely. Not saying those are the feelings you have, just they appear to be the feelings I sense you have, and I'm wrong more often than right. Whatever the feelings, you say you can't control it, that's true, and you can't change the world, maybe though, slowly, you can change your thoughts?
     
  4. gem77

    gem77 Well-Known Member

    i agree. it is understandable. its hard to admit but i too 'fantasise' at times. my guy is so real in my head that i dont think anyone could match up to him. in a way its perfect because he is my salvation, even though he isnt real, he saves me every time. i hope that we can both find someone to be there for us.
     
  5. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Don't feel ashamed. I've had an imaginary girlfriend my entire life that I fantasize about daily. And I'm even in a so-called "real" relationship. But that relationship is so unsatisfying that I'd rather fantasize about a woman that doesn't really exist... or I should say, someone who isn't a part of my life yet. One day I hope to bring that imaginary woman to life by meeting someone who is all of that to me and more. The world is a sad place, and even sadder when you have to face it alone.
     
  6. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    I also can empathise with the feelings of loneliness, and fear. And, also, the inability to express yourself because of those around you.

    I think everyone fantasizes when they can't get what they want. I will sometimes move and reach out and hold myself in positions as though there is someone there to hug me, or comfort me, or hold my hand. I haven't been able to imagine a person though since I was little, so I tend to pine after an Ex, or a character from a TV show I like, or a friend online who I've never met but can imagine...

    But if he is annoying you, if he will not go away, and Especially if he started asking or telling you to do things or act out, then please please confess him to your GP.

    Hugs.xxx
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2012