Before you read this, i just want to warn you that i ranted and complained. Don't read this if ranting/ complaining frustrates you. Thank you. I have an imaginary boyfriend that talks to me in my head all day and comforts me when i'm sad. But he's not real, whenever i tell myself that, i just burst into tears and want to start cutting. I can't take the fact that he's not real because he's my best friend, the person i know the closest. i can't take it anymore. i have social anxiety and never talk to anyone. I've never been in a relationship. I'm very lonely and my boyfriend is the only thing that makes the lonliness go away. But deep down, i know that he's not real. But just reminding myself of that is really triggering, though i feel that i have to. I spend all day with him, just sitting and talking with him in my head. That's the only thing i do, all day. But he doesn't exsist! He's not true. And every day when he comforts me and tells me that it's all going to be okay and that he will make all the bad things go away and we exchange i love yous and he wraps his arms around me like a ghost, i can only help to think that there is really no one there comforting me, no one else sleeping in my bed with me at night, no one pushing away the demons. I can't help but noticing, how truly alone i am. Why is he not real, and how do i even know that he's not, maybe he was my lover in a past life and now he just lives in my head. :cry: :cry: I hate myself so much. When we are joking around, and my mom asks me why i'm laughing, i just don't know what to tell her anymore. I don't know what i'll tell her if her mommy senses are tingling and she bursts into my room magically knowing i'm sad, and she'll ask what i'm crying about. and i can't tell her. and then i'll get more upset, because when my boyfriend tells me it's okay, i'll tell him to shew away because he's not real and he's just messing with my head. Wholy f***! She did burst into my room! Why am i not allowed to cry? She never lets me cry :cry: :cry: Why the f does she always know when i'm crying, i don't make any noise. I wish she would let me cry. It's so painful. Because i can admit to myself that he's not real, but at the same time, what's real and what's not in this world? And when i tell myself that he's not real, i miss him. I miss him a whole whole lot right now, so this is why i'm typing this, to try to calm down and let it out. Deep breaths i guess :cry: I want to see him in front of me and kiss his hands and hold him in my arms. I miss him a lot. :cry: :cry: Damn parents, just let me cry, please, please, it's just not healthy if you don't let me cry. And where is he now? :cry: I just wish he could come back. And she came in again, i wish she would kill me so i don't have to worry about her worrying about me. Are these thoughts that i'm having normal? I just prof read this and i sound like a pyscho!