Discussion in 'After Effects' started by W Miller, Sep 3, 2014.

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  1. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Overdosed <mod edit - methods>. Went to the ER, was let go after 3 days. They didn't know what to do with gays in a psych ward then. Yeah later, more of the same, along with what I thought was POT. Just had a friend drive me around until it wore off. Few years later, I smashed a object into my knee. Got an infection in the hospital. Yeah, come find me if you want me that bad. Few years later, I overdosed on <mod edit- methods> in my room. Was pissed my partner found me, I'd be at peace. Went several years without any attempts. Maybe 2007 (sorry my mind is mush), I cut pretty badly, and have scars on both writs (2 on each), and I don't hide them. Was committed again for a week. Nothing bad happened to me, but what I saw, was scary. I'm not feminine, maybe that was what helped, who knows.

    No bad attempts until just the other night (why I'm here). I cut again, and nobody even knows about it.

    I'm killing myself already anyway, by drinking so much. I vomit every day. Blood has stopped now. I have a horrible taste in my mouth all the time.

    After effects are - nothing that resembles a human being. Secretly, I'm writing all this crap, because when I go, hopefully my haters will read it, and drop dead from gilt. They know who they are. If they follow me up here.

    I'm a great catch, indeed!
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 3, 2014
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad you found us here an dat least have a chance to get some of this out. Sadly you like many harbor the idea that suicide will somehow "teach somebody a lesson" or "show them". The fact is the people that are decent and care already do and the others will not care anyway so you might as well take care of yourself and let those that do care try to help. Trying ot scare people off by refusing to cover your wrists and make it an issue before people even know who you are will not likely help you find a way to form relationships that matter. While in real relationships those things will not matter once they get to know you intentionally showing all the bad and none of the good when people are conditioned to expect you are showing your best side at first will not make things easier. It is not hiding who you are to try to put forward a good image - as you know how to do based on another post about the one good relationship you have on line. It may also help you to feel a little less self conscious yourself and remind you that you are a lot more than a few suicide attempts as a person. Let people see the rest of you and you might be surprised by the results.
  3. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    I'm glad I found my way here too, more than you know. I think I'm holding a grudge against old fake friends that new me as WW. But I do need help, I'm not getting in real life. I hide my true feelings from therapists, and doctors.

    Read every word. True, my haters aren't going to really care that much. I'm just so angry that I allowed myself to give my heart to them. One lady told me she was a MOM to me. The others girl said, she love me like a brother. I'm still really sore about it. I knew they read at one time. I might change things though, I really should be anonymous as possible if I'm going to receive help here.

    Truly sorry you had to edit that. I will watch it from now on. I'm just a bit drunk, and impulse control is a bit lacking; sadly. so I should log off for today.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Harming yourself only lets the ones that hurt you win don't let them win ok You talk to your professionals and you get that help you deserve and need Stay safe ok hugs
  5. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I agree. Harming myself isn't so much about others. that is a coping mechanism (bad one agreed) . Just to feel something. I don't know how explain it. I wish I could say, today is better. Its not, at all...

    I'll give it one more shot, with a professional, I guess.

    Thanks total eclipse
  6. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    I just wish those attempts worked. The next one will be foolproof. I know I can't post plans. I just cant fight the cloud in my head any longer. I wish I could help others here, could even welcome a new member. I'm making plans for the end of the month. I must succeed this time. I've been drinking all day, as well. This is suicide anyway in the long run.

    I loved you Jim. You could've helped me, had we meet sooner in my life. Now its too late, and you tried your best. Just remember that. Stay strong and never give up on yourself my friend.
  7. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    And Jim, ignore all the assholes in your life that told you, you'd never make it. I know you will be everything you desire. You are so smart and handsome. You have a great personality, anybody would be lucky to have you. I only wished it could've been me. I would've never let you down. I would've made you happy, and would've always built you up.

  8. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Could I post here right up until the end?
  9. echo

    echo Member

    dude i don't know your story - but have you tried getting angry -- works for me -- it's the little things like blowing something up, or simply yelling abuse at passers by --- probably not the best advice, but who cares
  10. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    In real life you mean, of course. I need to start, because being hurt all the time sucks!

    Advice is advice my friend. Thanks.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Not sure what to suggest but know we care and are here for you :hug:
  12. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Thank you Petal. Really thinking about suicide today. I'm rationalizing it again (telling myself its for the best), and I do want to die. I started to feel better the other night, after people really helped me here. When I woke up, I was right back to the same despair. I'm so lonely, and every time I reach out, somehow, I push people away. I'm a really nice guy, and have love in my heart for everyone. I hold little hate for people (even those that have dogged me). I won't be missed, sadly in real life.

    Thank you for the hugs. I just can't make any promises. I don't know really that I'm saveable. I'm not sure I'll reach out anymore, either.
  13. We will miss you here W Miller so never think that! Talk to us if you are feeling down, everyone is saveable! I know reaching out to us is not the same but try it maybe it will help
  14. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hold on in there. remember how you've felt better and related to people here. even if it is not irl. talking to people here will also improve your social skills irl, i believe. i think you are very insecure and intense in a way (from what you've written on forum) and i relate to that because i'm similar, people often cannot handle intensity. and then you think they do not care enough but they do, of this i am certain, that they care. we must not forget it during our dark hours
  15. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Thank you Harold, and ScaryForest.

    There is so much that I have not had the chance to do yet in life. I just don't see any hope for me, really don't. I'm a broken man. I lost the love of my life, and he was my only reason for living. When we separated, I lost myself. Will I find love again, I don't think so. I'm too damaged.

    I'll make one promise then, I'll reach out when I get really bad. I'll at least make you that promise.

    So so grateful to have joined your forum again. I was in desperation in 2013. Then I got into drugs, and that was my escape. I'm back, so that is a good start.

    Thanks kind souls. It means more than you'll ever known. I'll remember this during my dark hours. They are daily now; sadly.
  16. Yes, please reach out to us, we want to help you where we can, you do not need to face this alone
  17. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Here and listening. It's not easy to repair a broken heart. It's the price one pays for the deeper love they had. The deeper love is the harder/cruel it is on breaking someone's heart.
  18. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You seem like such a lovely person and it would be a privilege to have you as a friend. Perhaps you're pushing people away 'cos of your mental state that you feel more inclined to isolate. But as this site is helping you, keep coming here for support. No giving up, it's not allowed. big hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:
  19. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    True, my heart is pretty torn up. I'm still thinking about it, really. But you're right, when you give your heart, that is the chance you take, I guess. Greatly appreciated advice.

    Thank you, and I wasn't always so lovely. Time, and life has taught me to show the love I expect in return, from others. I'm not sure why I push people away. I suspect its because, I'm too private, and sometimes people would really like to open up. I'm not always there when they need me.

    I'm doing okay, atm. I'm feel the good folks here are showing me, that I'm not at all; alone.

    Hope it lasts, or I'll tell you all if I'm in crisis - Deal?
  20. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Sounds good to me hun :) You certainly are not alone hun. we are just a click away, and yes-deal. If you ever find yourself in a crisis don't try and deal with it alone because we are here :)
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