Yes, it is horrible. I can't imagine anything much worse. But i know it's just a part of my illness and that things can be easier then this. But i have to work to change it. That's why i think you getting back i nto CBT and therapy is a great things for you. I think it will give you some direction and some coping skills.
And yes, dying would be easier, but then you'd miss out on the good stuff too. And there is good stuff to be had
Like playing I Spy last night, i don't know about you, but that was a lot of fun and i had a good laugh. I think it is important to recognise the little things, you know?