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A bad day

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by duke12, Feb 27, 2010.

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  1. duke12

    duke12 Member

    I feel so old. And utterly useless to anyone.
    I have a death box. It has what I need in it.
    Why can I not use it. Why do I hang on.
    I cannot eat. Why was I born. For what purpose?
    Family fragmented now. Lost the plot and destroyed all I love.
    I love them so much. It is so lonely where I am.
    What can stop me now?

    It is like a maze I have come to the center and that's it. Game over.
    Just an old man with nowhere I can go.

    Will my boys get over it if I go early?
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    no one can answer those questions. i wish i could.
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Whilst you may not know your purpose right now, there may come a time when you do, or you may have a variety of different purposes at different times of your life. You can go and find yourself a purpose.

    Your last question, would they get over it if you killed yourself, in my experience, having met the people I have met, the answer is no, they wouldn't.

    Do you want to talk about what has been happening for you because it sounds like it has been a tough time. Sometimes talking (or typing) it out can help.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    We're here if you want to talk about what's wrong.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi duke,

    You're not useless to everyone. You have your boys and they need you.
    Have you seen your doc? Am sure they'd at least be able to help with your eating issue, don't give up. :hug:
  6. duke12

    duke12 Member

    I should explain - I was pretty out of it the other night.

    It happened over four short years.
    Boys finished Uni. Both got good work and found lovely ladies.
    I was looking forward to retirement in a few years. Maybe some travel with my lady, who I loved too much.
    All the boxes ticked. That went well, now for some "our time".

    I almost emptied a rifle into her. 1996

    I loaded four bullets. One for everyone.
    Yes it does happen. I would have never though it possible before when we were young and so much in love.

    It has been two years since my wife of 33 years left.
    I discovered her pornographic alter life.
    It was a case of she went before she was pushed I guess.
    Caught her banging the boss 10 years ago.
    That time I tried, we tried, for the boys. It worked for years. Did it?

    This time was too much for both of us and they are grown men.
    They shall never know. I will take so many secrets to the grave with me.

    Her father died in a MVA. We were there. Her Mother screamed for hours. So much blood.

    Telstra made me and 10000 other good people redundant in one year. Thanks to the 3 "Amigos" - they have returned to USA with millions in their pockets. I heard of a guy down Nowra way that killed himself not long after that. Poor bugger.

    Her "friends" all told her "he will be around the house all of the time now and drive you mad" I tried to do so much for her. Made furniture for her and so many little things. I tried so hard to make it good.

    I got prostate cancer.
    Dad said sorry Duke. Most caring thing he said to me in my whole sorry life.
    He knew what I was in for. My own private hell. Don't let anyone tell you different. Incontinence for a year and fight it now forever. Mostly ok. Sex - you have to be joking. The little blue pills make it great for the partner. But forget any real sensation for me.. It's a chore.

    She said she needed me to go away for hours at a time as she had "needs" How do you think that makes me feel. More fights.

    My dad died. Ex WW-ll vet. Poor bastard could not tell me the horrors of war.
    Until near the end.
    Why did you drink so much Dad. Pain relief, standard issue son. Two bottles per man per day.
    And he turned the Japanese into mince with his cannon.
    And had to go over to the impact zone and kill the wounded with his rifle after that. No wonder they were told not to tell. No wonder he drunk and went crazy.

    Mum died a year later. Lung cancer. We told her for years. Poor lady had to put up with so much. She should have been let go much earlier. She suffered badly for so long. Life is such shit.

    Back operation for me. Long sad story of 15 years of pain. Took two lower discs out. Crushed to bits. Fused the bones with titanium blocks. Solid now hurts a lot less.
    But the left leg sciatica has wasted my left leg and I don't walk so good any more. My foot hurts 7/10 most of the time. F*ed nerve.

    It's all piled up. It's time I pushed off.

    I miss her. She may say the same of me but I doubt it.

    My shrink thinks I am going to get over her in time. How can you love someone so much after they have been so cruel to you. Shrink is a good woman. Seen her for about a year now. Probably why I'm still here.

    I walk around this huge empty house. I scream into the "death room" She spent six months there. Told me the bed made her back hurt. I spend $2000 on a new one she picked out.

    She slept in the new bed one night. Then went back to the "Death room" I cannot go in there anymore. I closed it off.

    I still dream / nightmares of the images of her and the horrible things and the level of depravity she went down to. My lovely little wife.

    I caused that!

    So what's the use.

    Here is how crazy I am. I purchase Dr Philip Nitschke's books. Constructed the apparatus a year ago and gave it a whirl. I was bloody disappointed when it did not work. I can't say what went wrong here apparently.

    "Shit on a stick". I was pissed off. Went to a lot of effort. Making stuff. Wrote letters to the boys etc etc.

    Got pissed and went to bed for two days instead.

    "Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
    The needle returns to the start of the song
    And we all sing along like before

    And we'll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow"

    And I am lonely tonight.

    And I am in pain in my body, my heart and my head.

    Sorry kids that you read this.

    I say that a lot................

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