I feel so old. And utterly useless to anyone. I have a death box. It has what I need in it. Why can I not use it. Why do I hang on. I cannot eat. Why was I born. For what purpose? Family fragmented now. Lost the plot and destroyed all I love. I love them so much. It is so lonely where I am. What can stop me now? It is like a maze I have come to the center and that's it. Game over. Just an old man with nowhere I can go. Will my boys get over it if I go early?