A Bad Day

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by duke12, Mar 2, 2010.

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  1. duke12

    duke12 Member

    I added this to the end of my last thread? Not sure how you do this, I am pretty dumb. Anyway this is to thank those who answered it and an explanation of how I got here.

    Re: A bad day
    I should explain - I was pretty out of it the other night.

    It happened over four short years.
    Boys finished Uni. Both got good work and found lovely ladies.
    I was looking forward to retirement in a few years. Maybe some travel with my lady, who I loved too much.
    All the boxes ticked. That went well, now for some "our time".

    I almost emptied a rifle into her. 1996

    I loaded four bullets. One for everyone.
    Yes it does happen. I would have never though it possible before when we were young and so much in love.

    It has been two years since my wife of 33 years left.
    I discovered her pornographic alter life.
    It was a case of she went before she was pushed I guess.
    Caught her banging the boss 10 years ago.
    That time I tried, we tried, for the boys. It worked for years. Did it?

    This time was too much for both of us and they are grown men.
    They shall never know. I will take so many secrets to the grave with me.

    Her father died in a MVA. We were there. Her Mother screamed for hours. So much blood.

    Telstra made me and 10000 other good people redundant in one year. Thanks to the 3 "Amigos" - they have returned to USA with millions in their pockets. I heard of a guy down Nowra way that killed himself not long after that. Poor bugger.

    Her "friends" all told her "he will be around the house all of the time now and drive you mad" I tried to do so much for her. Made furniture for her and so many little things. I tried so hard to make it good.

    I got prostate cancer.
    Dad said sorry Duke. Most caring thing he said to me in my whole sorry life.
    He knew what I was in for. My own private hell. Don't let anyone tell you different. Incontinence for a year and fight it now forever. Mostly ok. Sex - you have to be joking. The little blue pills make it great for the partner. But forget any real sensation for me.. It's a chore.

    She said she needed me to go away for hours at a time as she had "needs" How do you think that makes me feel. More fights.

    My dad died. Ex WW-ll vet. Poor bastard could not tell me the horrors of war.
    Until near the end.
    Why did you drink so much Dad. Pain relief, standard issue son. Two bottles per man per day.
    And he turned the Japanese into mince with his cannon.
    And had to go over to the impact zone and kill the wounded with his rifle after that. No wonder they were told not to tell. No wonder he drunk and went crazy.

    Mum died a year later. Lung cancer. We told her for years. Poor lady had to put up with so much. She should have been let go much earlier. She suffered badly for so long. Life is such shit.

    Back operation for me. Long sad story of 15 years of pain. Took two lower discs out. Crushed to bits. Fused the bones with titanium blocks. Solid now hurts a lot less.
    But the left leg sciatica has wasted my left leg and I don't walk so good any more. My foot hurts 7/10 most of the time. F*ed nerve.

    It's all piled up. It's time I pushed off.

    I miss her. She may say the same of me but I doubt it.

    My shrink thinks I am going to get over her in time. How can you love someone so much after they have been so cruel to you. Shrink is a good woman. Seen her for about a year now. Probably why I'm still here.

    I walk around this huge empty house. I scream into the "death room" She spent six months there. Told me the bed made her back hurt. I spend $2000 on a new one she picked out.

    She slept in the new bed one night. Then went back to the "Death room" I cannot go in there anymore. I closed it off.

    I still dream / nightmares of the images of her and the horrible things and the level of depravity she went down to. My lovely little wife.

    I caused that!

    So what's the use.

    Here is how crazy I am. I purchase Dr Philip Nitschke's books. Constructed the apparatus a year ago and gave it a whirl. I was bloody disappointed when it did not work. I can't say what went wrong here apparently.

    "Shit on a stick". I was pissed off. Went to a lot of effort. Making stuff. Wrote letters to the boys etc etc.

    Got pissed and went to bed for two days instead.

    "Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
    The needle returns to the start of the song
    And we all sing along like before

    And we'll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow"

    And I am lonely tonight.

    And I am in pain in my body, my heart and my head.

    Sorry kids that you read this.

    I say that a lot................

  2. jnine

    jnine Well-Known Member

    oh man duke12,

    that's a whole lotta miserable, i am sad with you for all you have lost
    i am glad you wrote about it thought

    how are you feeling right now?
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Gees you've been through some hell.....
    Is good you like your shrink and sounds like you trust her.....I agree with her that you will "get over" your wife eventually....not to say you won't love her anymore but that you will be able to cope with out her....
    it's been 3 years since i broke up with my ex and I still love him but I can live without him and that stress and I wouldn't go back....he was the love of my life....
    I won't say it's easy but it can be done..it just takes time...
    I hope you will stay and talk all you want ...
    I'm so glad your "attempt" didn't work...you have another chance at life...
  4. The First Lady

    The First Lady New Member

    "How can you love someone so much after they have been so cruel to you"

    I ask myself that same question.

    He can lie to me.
    He can steal from me.
    He can laugh at me when I cry.
    He can hurt me when hes drunk.
    He can joke about how I tried to kill myself.

    I forced myself to cut ties completely several months ago,
    and I hope I can mend the wounds he has inflicted on me.

    But I miss him terribly. I want him back in my life, and I just cant understand why.

    I might not be much help in the cheering up dept., but I want you to know that you are not alone in how you feel.

  5. duke12

    duke12 Member

    Thank you good people
    I think your thoughts do help
    It is on the lonely days I get so close
    The desperation of waking up again each morning and having my my mind go over it all again

    There was a whole young adult hood that was so bad. Shit I feel like a whinger

    I do good things for people, for my boys and volunteer work

    But when I am alone all I think about is death

    It is like a magnet drawing me closer.

    I have resolved to see my shrink soon. It has been a while. I just feel I am unloading on her. It must suck doing that job.

    My eldest - Mark his lady is a shrink. Wants to help criminals - go figure.

    What a bout the rest of us normals. That's a joke

    Last time I felt normal - I was four years old and playing with a cheap plastic car in the dirt. Many years ago and the sky was so blue, the day so warm, not many nice days since then.

    Maybe the birth of the boys. that was great but gone.

    Maybe Linda - I discarded her for Sue 33 years ago, I still see every year or so- that was stupid. Biggest mistake choose sex for stability. Wrong!. Now there's a lesson for you kids.

    I should write a book on how not to live your life. Most books tell you what to do. I could write a thousand pages on what not to do. Hindsight, a cruel teacher.

    Life seems so full of what iffs.

    It's so late. 3am and I am lost, used up.
    I don't seem too be able to cry anymore. Good thing, it used to hurt in my heart too much.

    I know many of you out there know the physical pain of heartbreak. I never would have believed that years ago.

    My back hurts. I'm back to bed, I am so tired all of the time.
    Hope I don't wake up.

  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi Duke...You are not a whinger...this forum is here for people to find support and listen...so vent all you want....
    I have been in therapy most of my adult life and will need it forever along with the meds but if it gives me some sort of 'normality' then that's what I do....
    shrinks are there for you to unload onto so don't stress about that...it's what they do so go for it..
    its good that you do things for your boys and voluteering ......shows you care...
    maybe your boys are a good enough reason to fight the sadness you feel and go on to support and be with them...if you hurt yourself they will be devastated and their life will never be the same again.....
    they may even have children one day and you will have he joy of grandchildren in your life?....
    you have had hard times in your life and have shown great strength so far...please keep fighting..don't give up....we care...
  7. duke12

    duke12 Member

    I have been up for three days.
    Not thought of leaving permanently for three days.

    My eldest has visited me from Brisbane 1200klms away drove to see me in one day. He came Monday, going tomorrow. I cried to see him born. Best day ever.

    He has some problems and wanted Dad's advice. He visited her twice and it tore me up somewhat. Boy should see his mom, that is as it should be.

    Made me feel human again. I love my boys so much. Two wonderful young adults.

    He will leave at 5am tomorrow. I hope the advice helps. Life is tough for the young. I had no such advice at his age. He is lucky I am still here.

    Tomorrow night I will be alone and I will drink and I will think.
    Settle back into the depression and the vacuum will suck me back into the black.

    The trouble with getting older - there is so much to think about. So much stored after so long. Wish I could wipe it like a hard drive.

    Fixed the radio station today. Grateful lovely people. I like being thanked and not paid. For so long it was all about the money.

    When she took most of it I could only think "What was that all about anyway?"

    I should not think!

    Try that - ha ha

    Duke was here.............
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi Duke....that's great your son came to you ....he must really love you...
    I see you get pleasure from doing things for others..have you thought of doing some volunteer work?...could help you as much as you are helping others..
    I wonder if the drinking might aggravate the depression...does in some people....
    your two sons are lucky you are still here and I hope you will always be there for them when they need you...
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