This year has been the worst. It started with January and me being diagnosed with something that might or might not be too serious. I'm still under observation. Then my job got worse this year. I got a pay cut and my department is getting smaller. I'm grateful that I got to stay, but I have a feeling that my department is going nowhere and that this would my last year in my job. Finding a new job has been ridiculously challenging. All of the new jobs I find pays considerably less. So I'm stuck in a dead end job because that's basically all I have right now. My family is all over the world. My siblings live in different cities. My youngest sister happens to be an asshole who talks down to people. Despite this, she considers me her best confidante in the family. Unfortunately, I haven't confided that I can't stand her. She talked down to me the last time last week, and I decided to divorce her from my life for now. My dad is a bit of a deadbeat. He retired the first chance he could, and while he's sorta comfortable now, that could all be temporary. He might have trouble with his pension and we might eventually be responsible for his finances in the future. My mom passed away years ago. This year was the year I finally realized that my dad is seeing some woman who's years younger than his kids. I also suspect that this woman is using him for whatever money he could provide. I used to think, hey, whatever floats your boat! But I find it very hard to respect him. I'm beginning to resent my wife lately. She's very combative and negative. She always wants to be right. It's getting to be very annoying and I often just keep my thoughts to myself unless it's about something we agree about. We don't enjoy the same things, and we're often doing two different things when we're at home. Me watching something on television, and she watching something else. Sex is rare. She's only interested in sex when she's drunk. And the way she goes about, it's almost like she's appeasing my needs and not hers. I've refused her drunken advances the past couple of times, and I haven't had sex for the longest time. I know she's no longer attracted to me, and that she finds men on television more interesting. I'm fine with this. Who am I to feel bad about this when I look at pornography? I know that my marriage is not special. It's just like everyone else's. My best friend lives too far from where I live. She's a constant positive nature in my life, but she's just too far to be of any help. I feel like everyone is talking me down. Everyone is looking down on me, even strangers. This year, I feel like the fates have treated me like a proper asshole. A mediocre asshole that would never amount to anything. My funeral would be lightly attended. People will cry, including my wife, not because they love me, but because the thought of deaths and funerals conditions people to cry. Actually, if I die at a young age, it would be better for my wife so she could move on while she still has her looks. I have no kids and I'm not interested in having them. What the heck could I teach younger generations? These are just a few things that run through my head everyday. It's getting harder and harder to wake up each morning. I reach out to God and ask for some help, some positive change in my life, but I'm still here in my depressed state. Gonna go and fake my smiles now.