It started on the drive home from school. It's about a 15 minute drive and I do it alone. It was a particularly "groggy" day and I was feeling like coming home and killing myself for some reason. The suicidal tendencies may have sprung from an effect of the pills I took at school that I stole from my friend. I can't name pills, but I took some pills that kids with ADD are prescribed to help maintain themselves. I've never taken these pills and didn't take them with suicidal motives in mind, I only took 2. I took them just because I could and wanted to. Anyway. (I'm getting off topic) after taking the pills I got a severe stomach ache and was starting to forget where I was for some reason but relaxed. These pills should have done the opposite to me. So after school I was driving home out of my mind and listening to a very sad song off the album In Love And Death by The Used, and got to thinking about my suicide attempt in Spring of this year. If you know anything about me or have read any of my posts, you would know I went to old-fashion route of killing myself by overdosing and taking a good <edit moderator total eclipse method> Miraculously, I survived which was such a shame. But I'm not here to talk about that. I've spoken about my suicide attempt(s) before and this is not what this thread is about. Because of the pills I took and the result today, I felt like I was going to die. The thought of that got me to start thinking about how I felt when I thought I was going to die last Spring. The thought me of me dying may have been the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced. Not thinking about it because that has no effect but how I felt that day. After I consumed said pills, I knew I was going to die. Thinking about myself ending everything that is me, was fucking beautiful. How I felt that day was perfect, I could feel my body destroying itself and thinking "this will be the last time I ever do ______." I thought that every time I did something. I may never get that feeling back until I finally do die or at least attempt again. And I'll tell you something, I want that feeling of death again. My thoughts recently---- I'm going to double this thread as a moment in my life I reflected upon and my thoughts recently. On a side note closely related to my extreme suicidal tendencies, It's now been an entire month since I started my Junior year of High School. I find that most of my friends do not speak to me anymore as I've ceased communication with them over the summer. I spent a lot my time in my room not socializing which apparently is a problem with me as my family states. I'd rather stay in my room by myself then out in the world because the only thing I like is isolation. Though I like isolation due to the fact that I don't like the world, I'm lonely. With my friends leaving me and having no one who would understand me when I vent to them or anyone I can find that I can talk to, I'm becoming more and more depressed. I've abandoned any friends I've made on here and only come here to read about other peoples lives and tend to not post.....Ever. <edit moderator total eclipse flaming inappropriate> I've been abusing pills lately for fun and becoming reckless. I don't care what anyone thinks and I'm trying to hit bottom and end it. I love this feeling almost as much as that day last Spring. So I could set a date for when I want to kill myself but I'll most likely back out. I think I'll arrange everything (letters, will, etc....) And just wait for a day when I feel like offing myself. That's all I have to write for today, I haven't posted in months and I guess I just "updated" you? I added (Extremely Triggering) to the title because I thought it was as I was triggered by writing this fucking thing out.