A Beautiful Moment. (Extremely Triggering)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Why Am I Here, Sep 19, 2011.

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  1. Why Am I Here

    Why Am I Here Well-Known Member

    It started on the drive home from school. It's about a 15 minute drive and I do it alone.

    It was a particularly "groggy" day and I was feeling like coming home and killing myself for some reason. The suicidal tendencies may have sprung from an effect of the pills I took at school that I stole from my friend. I can't name pills, but I took some pills that kids with ADD are prescribed to help maintain themselves. I've never taken these pills and didn't take them with suicidal motives in mind, I only took 2. I took them just because I could and wanted to. Anyway. (I'm getting off topic) after taking the pills I got a severe stomach ache and was starting to forget where I was for some reason but relaxed. These pills should have done the opposite to me.

    So after school I was driving home out of my mind and listening to a very sad song off the album In Love And Death by The Used, and got to thinking about my suicide attempt in Spring of this year.

    If you know anything about me or have read any of my posts, you would know I went to old-fashion route of killing myself by overdosing and taking a good <edit moderator total eclipse method> Miraculously, I survived which was such a shame.

    But I'm not here to talk about that. I've spoken about my suicide attempt(s) before and this is not what this thread is about.

    Because of the pills I took and the result today, I felt like I was going to die. The thought of that got me to start thinking about how I felt when I thought I was going to die last Spring.

    The thought me of me dying may have been the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced. Not thinking about it because that has no effect but how I felt that day. After I consumed said pills, I knew I was going to die. Thinking about myself ending everything that is me, was fucking beautiful. How I felt that day was perfect, I could feel my body destroying itself and thinking "this will be the last time I ever do ______." I thought that every time I did something. I may never get that feeling back until I finally do die or at least attempt again. And I'll tell you something, I want that feeling of death again.

    My thoughts recently----

    I'm going to double this thread as a moment in my life I reflected upon and my thoughts recently.

    On a side note closely related to my extreme suicidal tendencies, It's now been an entire month since I started my Junior year of High School.

    I find that most of my friends do not speak to me anymore as I've ceased communication with them over the summer. I spent a lot my time in my room not socializing which apparently is a problem with me as my family states.

    I'd rather stay in my room by myself then out in the world because the only thing I like is isolation.

    Though I like isolation due to the fact that I don't like the world, I'm lonely. With my friends leaving me and having no one who would understand me when I vent to them or anyone I can find that I can talk to, I'm becoming more and more depressed. I've abandoned any friends I've made on here and only come here to read about other peoples lives and tend to not post.....Ever.

    <edit moderator total eclipse flaming inappropriate>

    I've been abusing pills lately for fun and becoming reckless. I don't care what anyone thinks and I'm trying to hit bottom and end it. I love this feeling almost as much as that day last Spring.

    So I could set a date for when I want to kill myself but I'll most likely back out. I think I'll arrange everything (letters, will, etc....) And just wait for a day when I feel like offing myself.

    That's all I have to write for today, I haven't posted in months and I guess I just "updated" you?

    I added (Extremely Triggering) to the title because I thought it was as I was triggered by writing this fucking thing out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2011
  2. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    What in the world did you overdose on that you had <edit moderator total eclipse method>? Well I guess I don't need to know.. But that is such a massive overdose. How in the world did you pull through that? Was you hospitalized afterwards? Stomach pumped? The worst one I had done, I couldn't even walk on my own after I did it.. Well like I've been telling people on here, there is no point in hurting yourself taking a bunch of pills, you will end up waking up from it, and worse off than you was before you did it.

    The ADD medication should have speeded you up if it was something like adderall or ritalin.. Maybe the relaxation it caused means you might have some form of ADD. Have you ever been evaluated for it? Maybe treatment for it, if you do have it, would help you feel better.

    I understand that peace you felt. I'm sorry your life is that bad, that it did feel that way..

    I don't know why some people do this or that, or even that you could get moderator rights, I figured the people that were mods were the makers of this forum. Well, you know I am here for support myself but I really try to give out more support than ask for it. I do care, and I know there are other people here that feel the same way.. Maybe not everyone does, but some of us do.. So maybe you could think about hanging around for us.. If it doesn't help, I guess it just doesn't help. But there has to be reason why you came back and posted..
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2011
  3. Jacey

    Jacey Member


    I can totally relate to the beautiful moment. It's more enjoyable than all the drugs put together in the world, at the moment. Perhaps I am more lucid today, maybe I'm not. I know I have experience better things like love and friendship. Not romantic love, but I know that this friendship that I had made me feel really good. Better than I ever felt. But I can't seem to get that back.

    I'm a senior in high school even though I should be a junior. You aren't alone in the drugs, highly suicidal thoughts, maybe the inability to feel anything else but the drugs sometimes.

    I did drugs recklessly when I was in middle school. My family knows nothing of my drug use or my thoughts. I'm also a year and a half sober. Not for long I think.

    I've attempted twice. But I obviously suck hard at killing myself.

    Just know that you aren't alone. I know I'm not in the right frame of mind. I think in the back of my head somewhere, I remember something better than this. And what is this? Can you still feel?

    Isolation f**king rocks right now.

    I have written my letters many times. Burned them or deleted them. Set days, but I failed.

    Look, some inner part of me wants to tell you It Gets Better. That is what I try to hang on by, but since I'm in a dark hole right now, it's kind of hard to say.

    Hang on. Talk to me. I'll leave my number in your PM box.

  4. Why Am I Here

    Why Am I Here Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the responses guys.
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Triggered me not to ever overdose actually - and to be candid - overdosing - its like 99 fails for each real failure! I mean - success in suicide is a fail - nobody really wants to go out like that - sending that message to whoever bothers to go to the funeral.

    Matters little who turns up - I mean I guess I will have some right old weeping and moaning at mine - sisters! lol - they would weep like James Brown - maybe wave the arms in the air - you got to like someone to do that!

    Well - as long as its not suicide I'll be happy - and most funerals - even if you had a heart attack in work and died young - its a cheerful enough funeral for most - not the husband and close family - but the rest - you can at least say "Ah well - that's life "

    Plus if they worked - there is a vacancy. lol

    But overdoses - got to say - a lot people just want someone to care for them - and they get it with doctors, nurses, the clean sheets of a hospital - no need to do anything - just lie back and enjoy whatever drugs they pump into you.

    And of course, have a sore throat as they do put a tube down your throat and depending on the overdose - they force you to vomit. Hopefully you will vomit when concious - and with someone watching - if not - you choke - your brain is temporarily deprived of oxygen which is a BIG worry. Its a race against time - but lets be frank - MOST people who overdose wake up feeling very bad about it - some - poison themselves - others - find heir IQ and social skills have taken a sharp downturn - and the worse will be getting 24 hour care - IF they live in a nation that cares. Many poor souls have no help.

    Well - there are benign things you can overdose on - many people are down on recreations drugs that never killed anyone - but will see a bottle of meds as fair game if they feel down.

    Risks - I add them up - I take stuff that will never kill me - not by overdose - not ever - history has not one case actually!

    But the big drug companies - they make pills that highly addictive - and very dangerous.

    Thankfully - most overdoses - people are blessed with a lack of basic pharmaceutical and chemical knowledge. I am 'blessed' with such knowledge and will NEVER share it and never use it for me.

    the 'best' meds for killing yourself are the most dangerous - as the odds of brain damage is very high. There are people in the UK - thousands - who overdosed and who now live indoors - in a home if lucky - with family providing 24 hr care - others - not so lucky. Others are in a permanent vegetative state - I've studied this and we now know that many often are AWARE they are in this state.

    For me - if I was so messed up I was swallowing handfuls of my <mode edit: *sparkle* methods>- well - for me it would be my own fault for not having the sense, courage to actually tell someone.

    that is my verdict on me - for me - it would be my own fault.

    for others - your in more pain than me - you let things slide further than I let them slide. how to stop them sliding? Think about other things - other people - and tell someone before you overdose - not after - as you might take a while relearning how to work a computer IF you survive.

    For some - surviving - I admit - would be very bad.

    If I was bed-bound - I hope I'd be motivational - but I'm not Jesus Christ - just some guy - and if my physical health goes - my ability to help others goes down.

    Anyhow - dying - its not cool - unless you like die in some m=amazingly wierd way like a block of ice falls from a plane. Or if you spontaneously combusted -- people say that happens - but it would be cool - and hot - and would make the paper and I'd be the 'burning guy in England" - famous for a while - like - 5 mins - lol.

    Ah well - best to die aged 90-100 surrounded by people who care. We can only hope!
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 20, 2011
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