A birthday to remember

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by IfYouSeeKay, Nov 3, 2008.

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  1. IfYouSeeKay

    IfYouSeeKay Guest

    I'm going to be 22. 22! I feel old and worn out.

    August 2008, best time of my life. 2am laying in the middle of an empty parking lot at Stinson beach with 2 great friends and my boyfriend. Us laying together staring up at the sky watching the meteor shower talking about nonsense. Life seemed to sit still. I was truly happy. If everyday could feel the way it did for those 2 hours, I would be happy. Bliss.

    Life is caving in on me and I just can't fight anymore. 02/01/2009, the day it will all end.

    I wish I could tell someone how I really feel. I just can't stop pretending to be happy. The hugs feel empty. The laughter feels forced. The kisses are emotionless.

    I just need a hug. I need someone, anyone to hug me and tell me that they respect me and I matter. I need to be told I'm loved. Not the quick "I love you, Goodbye." I get on the phone. I need someone to squeeze me tight, look me in the eyes and tell me they love me. I want to feel respected, appreciated and loved.

    I lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. I wake up every morning sick to my stomach. I fake a smile every time I see someone. I know February is a ways away but I wanted to spend some quality time with my family, friends and boyfriend to create some good memories. I want to know that I made them happy. I want to feel loved.
  2. A_Loser

    A_Loser Well-Known Member

    Heh, we are born on the same day of the same year

    You can tell how you are really feeling here, there are plenty of people here willing to help and provide some comforting words.

    Any particular reason why you feel so much without love next to your boyfriend and family?
  3. IfYouSeeKay

    IfYouSeeKay Guest

    The love between us all feels so... "old". I pass my sister and we just say hello. After not seeing each other for a whole week. Same with my parents. My family didn't show love when I was growing up. And with my boyfriend, well.. we've felt distant for a long time. I feel like I pour my heart into it and only get half of him back. I'm just tired of putting forth so much effort and getting nothing back.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello IfYouSeeKay,
    :arms:Big Bear Hug!!! I am sorry you feel that way. Why don't you arrange to see a therapist, find one who works on a sliding pay scale! Follow your gut feeling about him/her. Sometimes it takes one or two to find the right one. A good therapist can drag those thoughts to the surface and you both can work on trashing them.
    You don't have to feel that way you can turn around and make positive ones by setting small goals dailey to acheive. They can be anything. Everytime you have a positive thought give your self a pat on the back. You need to learn coping skils to help you build on those thoughts.
    You are young and have alot of good memories to make, like traveling on vacation, showing you BF how much you love him and getting it in return. Getting along with your family better, going out and socializing. My advice is seek a therapist you will feel so much better once you defeat the negative thoughts. Good luck!!~Joseph~
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Here's a hug for you hun. :hug:
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